Tuesday, September 20, 2016

This probably should have been broken into 12 posts, but, whatevs.

Being introverted is not the same thing as being shy. I can talk to people, small talk or big talk. I'm a talker. I don't want stay at home all the time, in fact, sometimes I LIKE to go out. Introversion is not agoraphobia. BUT, I need to know that there's going to be an end to the work day, the party, or the conversation, and when that end comes, I need to be able to be alone for a while. Maybe I'll read a book, or watch TV, or relive every single word I said while I was out in the world acting normal. It doesn't matter, what matters is that I get that time alone.

For the last couple of weeks I have been more anxious than usual, which is really saying something and yesterday I had a small panic attack. Being nervous and feeling worried all the time sucks and I've been trying to figure out what's different right now. It's not unusual for me to be anxious, but it is unusual for me to feel like I need to take something for it daily. I joke about it a lot, but the truth is one fill of my Xanax prescription usually last me the whole year. I really try to manage my anxiety without medication. (Mostly because I'm also a control freak who has convinced herself that this is another thing she should be able to deal with on her own. (Layer upon layer of crazy right here.)).

Although school is out I've been pretty busy. I work all day, I've been helping out with my grand kids a few days a week, Ivy's diabetes has been in a constant state of concern, we have a family vacation starting in a couple of days, and let's not forget the general state of things in the world. The thing that I see most, the common thread, is that I am rarely alone. The idea that I would have a panic attack because I cannot be alone is so utterly selfish and ridiculous to me that I fight it and try to prove to myself that I CAN do it all damnit! and thus a spiral is born. I do more, more is asked of me, I resent then fight that resentment, and Voila!! Panic attack!! 

I love my kids and grand kids and it makes me really happy that even the grown and married ones want to be here so often, but when everyone is here all the time I feel like I need to be in hostess/grandma mode all the time and I'm exhausted. (You don't need to tell me how awful it is to feel that way. Guilt is in a race with anxiety to be my chief emotion.)

I feel like a failure with the diabetes. No matter how hard I try I seem to be getting it wrong. In my mind I expected there would be a transition period, then we would figure things out and get into a routine. I didn't think there would never be changes or things to worry about, but I did believe that we would be managing and that it would become, I guess, a background issue. However, that has not been the case. I feel like nothing stays the same, It's a constant struggle, and the words I say most often every single damn day of my life are, "how is your blood sugar?" It the last thing I think of before I sleep and the first thing I think of in the morning, and it is driving my daughter crazy. I am driving my daughter crazy, but my fear that something terrible will happen keeps me from giving her any space. 

Travel, no matter how much I look forward to it always freaks me out a little bit. By a little bit, I mean a lot. Imagine a more intense Clark Grizwold Wally World melt down from the planning stage and all the way through post vacation laundry and you'll understand the tip of my leisure experience. I want to enjoy it, I want everyone,,,right down to our stewardess, to enjoy it, I want to make sure I don't forget to pack anything, or miss some landmark, or hurt anyone's feelings. Seriously, forget the cost of going on a trip. The reason I don't do things is because my expectations are unacheiveable. 

It's obvious to me that my need to control the outcomes of ALL THE THINGS is driving me insane but for some reason logic has very little pull in my brain. 

Ahem...I found this in my draft folder. It was obviously written a couple of months ago, before our vacation, but I wanted to post it anyway since this is my journal and I hate forgetting things. I don't want to spoil the ending, but our vacation was JUST FINE...better than fine. It was dandy. And I am feeling much less stressed. Today. That comes and goes, but what are you gonna do, right?

1 comment:

Mike Page said...

So Sue, I had forgotten about your blog. Sorry. But now I'm so happy to get aquainted again. It's way more fun to read a bunch at once than snippets evey couple of weeks.

Mike Page