Tuesday, September 20, 2016

This probably should have been broken into 12 posts, but, whatevs.

Being introverted is not the same thing as being shy. I can talk to people, small talk or big talk. I'm a talker. I don't want stay at home all the time, in fact, sometimes I LIKE to go out. Introversion is not agoraphobia. BUT, I need to know that there's going to be an end to the work day, the party, or the conversation, and when that end comes, I need to be able to be alone for a while. Maybe I'll read a book, or watch TV, or relive every single word I said while I was out in the world acting normal. It doesn't matter, what matters is that I get that time alone.

For the last couple of weeks I have been more anxious than usual, which is really saying something and yesterday I had a small panic attack. Being nervous and feeling worried all the time sucks and I've been trying to figure out what's different right now. It's not unusual for me to be anxious, but it is unusual for me to feel like I need to take something for it daily. I joke about it a lot, but the truth is one fill of my Xanax prescription usually last me the whole year. I really try to manage my anxiety without medication. (Mostly because I'm also a control freak who has convinced herself that this is another thing she should be able to deal with on her own. (Layer upon layer of crazy right here.)).

Although school is out I've been pretty busy. I work all day, I've been helping out with my grand kids a few days a week, Ivy's diabetes has been in a constant state of concern, we have a family vacation starting in a couple of days, and let's not forget the general state of things in the world. The thing that I see most, the common thread, is that I am rarely alone. The idea that I would have a panic attack because I cannot be alone is so utterly selfish and ridiculous to me that I fight it and try to prove to myself that I CAN do it all damnit! and thus a spiral is born. I do more, more is asked of me, I resent then fight that resentment, and Voila!! Panic attack!! 

I love my kids and grand kids and it makes me really happy that even the grown and married ones want to be here so often, but when everyone is here all the time I feel like I need to be in hostess/grandma mode all the time and I'm exhausted. (You don't need to tell me how awful it is to feel that way. Guilt is in a race with anxiety to be my chief emotion.)

I feel like a failure with the diabetes. No matter how hard I try I seem to be getting it wrong. In my mind I expected there would be a transition period, then we would figure things out and get into a routine. I didn't think there would never be changes or things to worry about, but I did believe that we would be managing and that it would become, I guess, a background issue. However, that has not been the case. I feel like nothing stays the same, It's a constant struggle, and the words I say most often every single damn day of my life are, "how is your blood sugar?" It the last thing I think of before I sleep and the first thing I think of in the morning, and it is driving my daughter crazy. I am driving my daughter crazy, but my fear that something terrible will happen keeps me from giving her any space. 

Travel, no matter how much I look forward to it always freaks me out a little bit. By a little bit, I mean a lot. Imagine a more intense Clark Grizwold Wally World melt down from the planning stage and all the way through post vacation laundry and you'll understand the tip of my leisure experience. I want to enjoy it, I want everyone,,,right down to our stewardess, to enjoy it, I want to make sure I don't forget to pack anything, or miss some landmark, or hurt anyone's feelings. Seriously, forget the cost of going on a trip. The reason I don't do things is because my expectations are unacheiveable. 

It's obvious to me that my need to control the outcomes of ALL THE THINGS is driving me insane but for some reason logic has very little pull in my brain. 

Ahem...I found this in my draft folder. It was obviously written a couple of months ago, before our vacation, but I wanted to post it anyway since this is my journal and I hate forgetting things. I don't want to spoil the ending, but our vacation was JUST FINE...better than fine. It was dandy. And I am feeling much less stressed. Today. That comes and goes, but what are you gonna do, right?

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Part 4..are you kidding me?

This is the last one. I promise. I'm squeezing all the rest of the trip into this post, so you might want to get a snack. Or skip it depending on your tolerance for vacation recaps.
On our second day in D.C. we tried to squeeze in as many Smithsonians as possible. We started at the American History Museum, where we were a tiny bit early for their new election exhibit.

My favorite carpool propaganda poster EVER. 
Don't ride with Hiter! That's for chumps!!
The giant floating whale is my favorite thing in the Natural History museum. I could stay in that room all day.

Air and Space was our last museum of the day. 
Then we went to Chinatown for dinner. Which was fun. Our restarant was super close to the Metro station, so we didn't really explore Chinatown at all, but what we did see was fun.
The animals of the Chinese Zodiac are painted on the crosswalks. For some reason I just thought that was the best thing EVER. 

After dinner we dropped the kids off at the hotel and went back for a night time stroll of the monuments. 

We didn't take an offical tour, but it was one of my favorite things we did. I loved seeing everything at night. (There were also less people, so BONUS.)

On the last day of our trip we got up and went to Arlington first. We almost skipped this stop because we didn't feel like we had enough time. I'm so glad we didn't. This is the only picture I took there, it just didn't seem right to snap a selfie in such a reverent place. The changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was very moving, for me anyway. 
Afterwards we walked across the bridge towards Abe (if you look closely you can see him wayyyy off in the distance).
One last shot.
Obligatory White House photo.
After Arlington, time was running out. Everyone was starving, but the one and only thing Eli had asked to do in D.C. was go to the National Gallery. So we split up and most of our group went to eat while Eli and I made a mad dash to the museum. 
It was so peaceful and lovely inside. The crowds were so much smaller than any of the other places we visited on our trip. I guess not a lot of people feel like dragging their kids around to look a VanGoghs. 

Here is Eli doing his best Ferris Bueller. Except he wasn't joking, he was really loving the art. Like Arlington, we almost skipped this one due to time not being on our side. Once again I was SO glad that we figured out a way to make it work for everyone. Being there, just the two of us, is a great memory. 

This is in front of the National Archives where we had planned to run in real quick like to take a peek at the Constitution, but this time we really DID NOT have time. So off we ran to the Metro and just like that our trip was done.

The whole vacation was so great. I loved that my brother's family got to come to D.C. with us. It was amazing seeing everything with my niece and nephews, who, by the way, are awesome travelers and super curious, and ask the BEST questions. 
Hooray for family, vacations, and kids who don't get carsick anymore.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Finally, DC. Longest trip recap part 3

Look at this! We finally made it to D.C.
When we got to town we didn't waste any time. We hopped right on the Metro and hurried into the city because we had tickets reserved for the Holocaust museum.

I began taking pictures of the Washington Monument the second we landed. I probably took a 100. I'll have to make a collage one of these days.
Ok, here's the thing about the Holocaust museum. It is awesome and important, but guys, the tour is LONG. I think if I had known that we would end up spending 3+ hours there I would have either skipped it this time around, or planned for a different time. We were just so tired from all the driving and sitting and everything else we had done in the couple of days prior that I don't think we were able to really appreciate the magnitude. Also, I think that because we have all read so much about the Holocaust, there weren't too many things in the presentation that were shocking revelations to any of us. I feel like this makes us sound like a bunch of heartless shallowtons, which is 100% not the case. I just think maybe we weren't in the right mindset. Also, I for sure would not take little kids, maybe not younger than 14. The subject matter is hard, and, as I mentioned, the tour is long. I guess just know your audience. 
When we left the museum we were all starving, but we were so close to Thomas Jefferson and I was afraid we wouldn't make it back if we didn't go right then, so we walked over and took a look. I was so glad we did. Maybe it was exhaustion or Holocaust hangover, but I cried a little when we saw him. T.J. isn't my favorite founding father, but you know, he's a little cool. 
In his way. 
Oh look, The Washington Monument.

On the Metro, some us played, The Man Game. It's a famous game where you try to stand without holding on to anything and see if you can keep from falling into the laps of strangers. As you can imagine strangers love it when you encourage a train car full of children to play this game. 
Cooper was a champion. 
I on the other hand made lots of new friends when I fell on top of them.
Look at these guys? Seriously, I miss them SO much. It was the best going to D.C. with them. They are all so funny and smart. Living on opposite sides of the country sucks. 
Wait, is that the Washington Monument?
Abe. Both times we went to see Lincoln were at night. I've been in the daytime before and I can safely say, night is the best. Even though there were SO many people the first evening it didn't feel like a crazy crowd. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was a crowd. They just weren't crazy. 
And that, is how we spent our first day in D.C.