Sunday, December 21, 2014

The mid-life crisis tour continues...

NOTE~ I found this in my draft folder this morning, I'm not sure why I didn't post it when I wrote it, but I'm posting it now, so there. Anyway, it's a couple of months old, just so you don't go thinking I wrote it yesterday or today even. Although I'm not sure why it matters WHEN I wrote it, just, I guess being an open book and all that jazz. 

Last week I listened to a podcast (it's how I pass the day at work. Praise be for itunes and their wide variety of listening material, it SAVES me. For reals.), anyway, I was listening to this podcast, and there was an interview with the Jenny Slate who does the voice of Marcel the Shell, and she was talking about times when people have written roles that they said were written specifically for her. Sometimes she said, the parts were not like, the nicest people, and it had gotten her to wondering if other people saw her as not so nice, because that is not how she sees herself at all.

I know it's not uncommon for people to not have a clear picture of how others see them, but she wasn't talking about some narcissistic thing where she thinks she's sweet and lovely and others see her as cold and calculated. She, I think... I'd hate for her to read this (hahahahaha!) and be like, nooooo..... that's not at all what I was saying. So, to be clear, what I THINK she was getting at is, that she sees herself as funny, but mostly in a nice way, and people kept bringing her these roles, written just for her, that were funny in a sharp, might cut somebody way, and she started to worry a little bit.

That got me thinking about myself. A couple of times lately people have offhandedly described me in ways that I don't see myself at all, and they weren't trying to be mean, just telling it the way they see it. And LETS BE CLEAR, I am a person who lives with my faults and crazy ALL DAY LONG, I know about my stuff, but I'm also a person who spends a lot of time in my head, maybe a little too much time, and I believe, no I KNOW, that I am so much more that the crazy stuff that leaks out. 

Yes. I'm sarcastic and easily annoyed. And I am FOR SURE that crazy girl who panics and runs away from vending machines. I'm also high strung at times, and definitely put pressure on myself to do well and have expectations that those around me will do the same. I get how those qualities could seem poky. But I also feel like I have a softer side. One that is compassionate and irrationally optimistic. I believe in the good in (most) people and that things can change if enough of us work together toward that change. I'm not afraid of the future, except for the times the future means a math test is waiting to karate chop me around the corner. AND I can be really fun and spontaneous on occasion, Although admittedly, those times seem grow further and further apart as I become old and jaded. 

Introspection seems to be turning into a theme here on ye olde blog these days, sorry about that. As I try to fight off turning 50 in a few years I'm realizing that there are things that aren't working. Things that are within my power to change and one of those things is working at keeping less in my head so I can be all of who I know I am, not just the neurotic parts that everyone sees because I'm not good at hiding them.

I'd like to end by saying, according to Blogger, this is my 1001st post. Whew, That seems like a lot of gushing about nothing. I'm torn between the urge to have a party or closing this thing down and shutting my trap, but neither one of those is a good option for me, parties make my hands sweat and shutting up is, well, not my thing, so I'll probably just keep on like I have been. One post at a time.

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