Thursday, June 5, 2014


Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you? When I was younger, my "little" brother would whack me in the middle of my back on occasion and I would feel like I couldn't breath for... I don't know, it was probably just a few seconds, but at the time it felt like much longer. I'm sure I managed to be very dramatic about it.

Those were the days.

I used to be so brave. On a whim I joined the Army. I was up for anything. I went rappelling, I volunteered to jump out of airplanes, I traveled to Central America and lived in a tent. All of this I did alone (well, it was just me and the U.S. Army). Then I got married and moved to a state far far away from my brothers. Which was hard. Despite being better at hand to hand combat than I am, they're my best friends. I had five kids, I made new friends, I started book groups and play groups and learned how to repair my own washing machine. You get it. I was not afraid of much. But I think I've used up all of my courage. The idea of change at this point in my life is paralyzing.

It takes me forever to make a decision, and after I finally settle on something I second guess it to death. Deciding to go back to school was huge for me. It meant quite a bit of adjusting. I like a routine, I like to have things settled and just go along taking care of my business, you know? Sadly, the fates do not care about my anxiety levels and now I have to make some decisions and make some changes. Quite probably the things I have to figure out would not be a big deal to most people, or to me 10 years ago, but to me now...ugh. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me and I haven't been able to breathe for a few days.

I know I'm being vague, I don't feel like I can spill all of the details...I was kicked off a jury once after I did that here...no one is going to die, my kids are fine, my husband still loves me, and in the grand scheme of things those are the things that really matter, right? I wish I could say that I know it will all work out and whatever I decide things will be fine, but I've made dumb choices before and I feel like I'm getting too old to go the long way anymore.

1 comment:

lori.huffaker said...

I am sorry that this happened. I will help any way I can. Just remember when people want to engage you in conversation I think your charming AND hilarious!!