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Sunday, August 18, 2013

Everything's going to be just fine......right?

I don't like change. It terrifies me. (Did you read that whole thing about the grocery store? Yeah.) Yet I crave it constantly. ALL THE TIME. I love it and I hate it. I want something new and exciting to happen...unless it involves relocating the cereal aisle, then I'm out.

I know, this makes no sense. Hang on, there's a whole lot more of that coming right up.

I have a list of things I want/need to do with/for/to myself. It's a LONG list. Nearly everything on the list requires stepping out of my comfort zones. That's normal, right? What need would there be of a list of things that are easy to do?

Change is a risk. Like jumping off a cliff. I spend days (months, years) talking myself into things, then one day I just do it. There's no easing in, just running as fast as I can and jumping into the icy cold water below. And I'm petrified the whole time. Until I land and realize that it wasn't that bad. Kind of fun even. Oh, and look at me!! I did something scary and I didn't die!! Then of course I kick myself for waiting so long and being such a chicken because I could have been jumping into the water and having fun with my friends all day instead of sitting off to the side watching.

That's my life. I get scared and worry, then finally act and regret not doing it sooner. Being in my head is just as much fun as it seems like it would be.

Blah, blah, cryptic I hate/love/laugh in the face of change.

Going back to school is/was/shall continue to be a huge leap for me. I don't do anything until I've beat it to a pulp in my brain and worn it out in conversation with those poor souls unfortunate enough to find themselves anywhere within the sound of my voice. I'm sorry y'all.

If it's any consolation, what comes out is a fraction of what's going on inside.

A few days ago I looked at the syllabus for one of the classes I'm taking this fall and instantly I felt like I was going to vomit. Like what ON EARTH am I thinking going back to school? This is going to be a disaster. I'm scared to death. Then I looked at the syllabus for another class and my anxiety doubled, which doesn't even seem possible. Even though I took a couple of classes over the summer this feels like the real beginning because it's full time. Five classes. Ugh.

I'm excited to be going to school and I feel certain that it's the right thing for me to be doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a heart attack before it's all said and done. Classes start bright and early tomorrow morning.

I need to go throw up.

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