Thursday, February 28, 2013


I didn't feel right leaving the crazy up all weekend while I'm gone, so, how about a couple of videos?
First, all of my wintery fears captured on film.
Watching this got me EXTRA excited for the snow!

And then, some Avett Brothers, cause, why not?

PS-I would like to thank my brother for explaining the mysteries of Lake Effect Snow to me this afternoon, as if I needed one more thing to anticipate this weekend. Seriously, thanks yo!

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Relax?! Really? That's your advice??

Why didn't I think of that? I know my husband means well, but when he tells me over and over that there's nothing to worry about and I should just try to relax I want to punch him. Hard. Does he think I'm sitting around thinking, "you know, I could relax if I wanted to, but feeling like I'm going to cry/vomit/hyperventilate at any moment is SO much more exciting why would I choose to miss out on this roller coaster of hysteria?"

Despite how much fun I may have led you to believe I'm having with my self-induced anxiety disorder, the truth is I'm falling apart a little bit. I'm thrilled about seeing our son but I'm really starting to think vodka might be necessary. Like for reals y'all.

How is it that I am not getting ANY less crazy with age? Are there to be ZERO benefits to getting older and allegedly wiser? What gives?

Also, this is the forecast for our weekend.~

Please note that the HIGH on Saturday is 28 degrees. TWENTY EIGHT DEGREES!!! Can someone explain to me why Chicago was invented? Because a HIGH of 28 degrees is just dumb.

This is the smallest bag I can fit all of the things I know I am going to NEED on my 3 and a half day excursion into the frozen tundra.~

It does not appear larger than its actual size in pictures, it really is the largest suitcase the TSA will allow to be checked. I know because I measured it. My husband is taking one small backpack. I hope he's prepared to venture out in the sub-human temperatures and blowing snow to find a store that sells warm stuff, because I do not have any hand warmers to spare. I'm not even sure if 30 will be enough for me to make it through the weekend. I'm not worried though, I bet he can will himself to be warm if he's relaxed enough.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Slow deep breaths....

Here's a math problem for you.....A woman plans a trip. Initially the woman is very excited about this trip, however, as the time to depart draws nearer she finds herself having not only horrible anxiety, but also panic attacks at the most inopportune moments. (Everyone knows there's a RIGHT time for a panic attack and in the middle of Target ain't it.) How much Xanax will this woman have to consume before she is finished with the delightful "vacation" she has planned? And if the woman doesn't actually have a prescription for Xanax how many travel sized bottles of Maker's Mark should she plan on putting in her carry-on bag?

I've always hated word problems.

On Friday our son is graduating from Navy Boot Camp. Doesn't it seem like just a few days ago I was freaking out over his leaving? Time flies....time to freak out over something new! We're flying into Milwaukee on Thursday morning and plan to spend the weekend in the Chicago area. I can't wait to see Wesley. We've only spoken briefly on the phone twice while he's been there, but he's written to us every week and he sounds like a changed man. He seems really happy and excited about, well, all of it. In his last letter he told us he had gotten his orders and after all of his training is finished he'll be stationed on an aircraft carrier in San Diego. Which, YAY! Close enough to home that we can see him fairly often but far enough away that he can feel like he's on his own. Because he is. Holy cow. He's a grown man who's on his own. My gosh! When will it end? WHERE IS MY TIME FREEZING MACHINE?!

Anyway, enough about that. The boy is doing well, we're proud, excited to see him, blah blah blah. Can we talk about me now? Because I'm not doing so well. Which, no doubt, comes as a big surprise.

When we planned this trip I was sooo excited. That's what I do. I forget that I'm not a great traveler who's relaxed and rolls with the punches. No, I am the opposite of a great traveler. I am a neurotic crazy person who must plan for every contingency and visualize all worst case scenarios at 3 a.m. in graphic technicolor (to the soundtrack of my husband's violent snoring as he lies next to me completely unconcerned about the impending disaster that awaits us at soon as we leave the protective cocoon of our home on Thursday morning. How could I have married someone so insensitive? What was I thinking?!)

Here are the things I'm worried about.-

1. The children we're leaving behind. Our 3 youngest kids are staying at home. They're 17, 14, and 12. I have arranged for them to be transported to and from school, laid in a massive supply of Totino's pizzas and ice cream, and set up 37 different responsible adults to check up on them while we're gone. They will be monitored more closely for those 4 days than they have been at any other time of entire their lives, yet I am certain, CERTAIN!!!, something is going to go wrong. And not just a little wrong, but terribly, terribly WRONG. Like an episode of Rescue 911 wrong. I'll return and our relationships will never be the same because they will have forged everlasting unbreakable bonds with William Shatner and the paramedics that swooped in and saved them from eating undercooked frozen pizza while I was away.

2. The weather. We don't really have weather here. Sometimes it's hot, other times it's not. That's basically the extent of it. I'm afraid I'm going to be so miserable because of the cold that I won't be able to enjoy the weekend at all. I have 30+ pairs of shoes. Of those 30 pairs of shoes ONE pair MIGHT be warm/dry/comfortable enough for a weekend in Chicago. Don't even get me started on the warm clothing I do not own. How could I have been so irresponsible all of these years as to not buy a coat?

3. Sightseeing. I know that this is a silly thing to worry about, but I figure if I'm going to a city I've never been to I should try to pack in as much....EVERYTHING...as I possibly can. We'll have Thursday afternoon and evening and most of Saturday to do whatever we like. My Clark Griswoldness has activated and I am determined to make the most of every SINGLE moment. I've talked to a couple of people and done a little bit of research online, I'd really like to go to Millennium Park, Navy Pier, the Chicago Art Institute, and maybe Lincoln Park, if there's time. Have any of you been to Chicago? Is that too much to cram into a day and a half? The rest of my traveling companions (my husband, son, and daughter-in-law) are mostly concerned with making sure they get to eat pizza/brats/White Castles/hotdogs, I'm guessing it won't be an issue to find food, right?

4. Meeting new people. Remember how I joined Facebook so I could get the lowdown on the Navy stuff? Well, there are all of these people (parents, wives, girlfriends) who have gotten the idea that since we are all going to be at the same place at the same time for the same thing we should meet. And have conversations and crap IN PERSON. Why? WHY?! If you think I'm awkward on the internet you should see me face to face sometime. I seriously don't know if I can do it. On the other hand I can't NOT do it, I don't want them to think I'm some kind of jerk. No, it's much better for them to meet me, then when they get home they can start a secret Facebook group where they can discuss their fun weekend, except for the part when they met "that one crazy lady".

5. Everything else. I hate not being at home. I hate not having my own stuff around. I'm a picky eater. I just know I'm going to be late for something or offend someone or lose something I love IN ANOTHER STATE and never ever see it again.

I'm trying stay focused and remember that the most important thing is that our son has done this really great thing and in just a few days we're going to be with him, but, ugh, it's not easy. Ya know?

Sunday, February 24, 2013

It's nice to finally have someone acknowledge the work I do here.

I get anonymous comments in my spam folder all of the time; sometimes they're amusing, sometimes they're just silly with their weird punctuation and broken English, but a couple of days ago I got a really good one. 

See for yourself.~ 

Thank you for some other magnificent post. Where 
else could anyone get that type of information in such a perfect means of 
writing? I have a presentation next week, and I am at 
the search for such information.

Feel free to visit my website - facebook for xxx

That comment was left, naturally, on a post written about important stuff, you know, one where I rambled on about nothing (like always).

Dear Anonymous Commenter, 
It's so refreshing to be appreciated. The sincerity of your comment did not go unnoticed. It was a magnificent post, wasn't it? Thanks for saying so! Where else could anyone get that type of information.......perfectly written? INDEED!  Oh, anonymous commenter, I am beyond thrilled that I could help you prepare for your presentation. Which is obviously about disgusting potato chip flavors. I hope you get a promotion, anonymous commenter, with such creative research methods as yours you surely deserve it!

All the best,
The lady who is wondering how often people actually fall for those stupid fake comments, I mean, do those really work?

Friday, February 15, 2013

Shock and awe I tell ya. SHOCK and AWE!

You are not going to believe this.

Unless, you know, you know me. Then, well, you might believe it. Whatever.

Yesterday afternoon my friend told me that when her son came home from our house last weekend he said, "Wow Mom, someone at their house gets crazy when they watch basketball. That someone is Eli's mom. We could hear her yelling at the TV all through the house." 

Have you ever in all your life? First of all, I fed that kid good while he was here, so, wow! Rude! Going home and dissing your hostess like that, and secondly, I've said it before, and it seems to be truer than ever, we might be making a big mistake raising our children in a state where college basketball is so grossly under-appreciated. And C., of course he could hear me all through the house. Our house is NOT that big. Sheesh!

Also, there's this~

Dear Potato Chip Flavor Thinker Uppers,
You have gone too far. To be honest, you had gone to far with Ketchup flavored chips. This is an insult to salty snack lovers around the world. STOP IT ALREADY! Stick with BBQ and Sour Cream and Onion. 

Yours Truly,
The woman who almost threw up when she saw this at the grocery store but was able to pull herself together long enough to take a picture and instagram it.

And finally, this textversation I had with my son yesterday morning.

As you can imagine we are very proud and will be lighting candles and making burnt offerings to the patron saint of American Literature Essay Writing for the next 3 months in the hope that all of our wildest dreams will come true and we will get to sit through a miserable hot outdoor graduation ceremony in May. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Speaking of Love....

It's Sex-Ed week at the jr. high. I can think of no better way to insure the pre-teen set doesn't get too close to one another at the Valentine's Dance than to have them sit through 5 hours of class on the reproductive system and the diseases you can catch from getting acquainted with said system.

The school sends home a little information sheet and a permission slip that has to be returned before students are allowed to participate in the class. Our kids have all gone to the same jr. high and they've all attended the same sex-ed classes, not a big deal, but suddenly, this year, my husband was a lot more interested in the curriculum. There's been a little bit of a shake up around here lately as he adjusts to the idea that the rules have to be the same for his sweet girl as they have always been for her older brothers. His strong-willed baby princess is going to be the death of him. Walking home from anywhere after dark-- fine for the boys. Not a snowball's chance for the girl. (For the record, I am personally opposed to ANY of them walking home in the dark, I'm over protective like that.) Making gross body noises or crude jokes--WAY super funny when the boys do it. Not so much for the girl. (I myself am not a fan of gross body noises or crude jokes no matter who is making them. I'm a stick in the mud like that.) Sex Ed class at school--never even thought twice about it when the boys brought home the form. The girl? Oh my gosh!! How dare they (the school district) assume that we would want them teaching our angel the facts of life! The gall!

Never mind that we speak pretty freely about these things in our house and our little darling has known the facts of life for a few years now.

Finally, after way more discussion than we even had about having kids in the first place, it was agreed that she could go to the classes, as long as her father's written reservations were noted and displayed on the refrigerator door. (We used our Homer Simpson magnet to hold the list of objections. Seems fitting, right?)

On the way to school yesterday, Ivy told me about the first lesson. Her teacher had asked them to tell some of the names they may have heard used when talking about a girls who found themselves pregnant in high school. "It was so fun, I got to say harlot in class! The teacher didn't even care that we were using words like that!"

Apparently our daughter is being raised in an alternate universe by June Cleaver. I don't know that I've ever said the word harlot, and I have certainly never used it to describe teenage pregnancy. I'm not sure whether to be glad she's survived to this age without being exposed to names a whole lot worse than harlot, or worried that I need to step things up a little before she gets to high school and the world becomes a very shocking place to her.

In the meantime I'm glad jr. high sex-ed class is there to fill in some of the gaps for me. Harlot indeed.

One more thing, because what good is a Valentine's Day post that doesn't mention basketball? No good at all that's what!

Before you head off to eat that giant box of candy your husband gave you for Valentine's Day because he's trying to help you increase your self control by giving you opportunities to exercise it, (Or was that only MY husband? Bless his heart.) would y'all joining me a moment of silence for Nerlens Noel and his knee? While we're at it we might want to go ahead and grieve for all of Kentucky's 2012-2013 basketball season. Even a loyal fan has to be able to see what's plain as day- this year for sure ain't last year, know whut I'm sayin'? I'm gonna miss Nerlens............and his hair. It just won't be the same without them. I know he'll be rockin' that do from the bench though, and who knows, with support like that the season might not go down the crapper after all.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

A list

1. I've been working IN the REAL office, about once a week lately. At the REAL office they wear shoes (and pants) ALL day. It's exhausting.

2. I finally started watching season one of Call the Midwife. Most enjoyable. (The Trunchbull plays Sister Evangeline. It's quite a transformation.)

3. I bought this fish and I love it. My family thinks I'm crazy. They're right, but not because of the fish. This fish is awesome.

Friday, February 8, 2013

And just like that.....it's Friday already.

Where in the world did this week go? Also, I just ate one blueberry cake doughnut and a dozen doughnut holes. I'm starting a new holiday, it's called Fat Friday. (Is Fat Tuesday a holiday? Or does it fall into some other religious category that I'm unfamiliar with?) I don't even know how I ended up with the doughnut holes. I planned to just get the blueberry cake, then next thing you know, I'm sitting at the drive up window, the smell of yeast and glaze wafting towards me, and I'm ordering enough doughnuts for three people. Holy crap.

Speaking of religion....

I was listening to an episode of This American Life at the gym the other day and they mentioned the International Commission of Charismatic Churches and I laughed (like a snort laugh) out loud (nothing says "don't mind me" like a dufus laughing at nothing on the treadmill). I know I shouldn't have, it just struck me as funny. But guess what? It's a real thing, a serious thing, and I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking what an awesome, you know, like hook. Who wouldn't want to go to a church that had charisma? Makes me think of Don Draper for some reason. Not that Don is even the least bit religious. It's mostly the charisma part that makes me think of him. Oh boy. I'm sure I'm digging a hole here. I hope I haven't offended anyone who attends a charismatic church.

Okay, I better quit before I get myself in too much trouble. Have a great weekend

PS~If you don't listen to This American Life you are missing out. Truly. This little gem had me laughing so hard. Mostly because there are some CRAZY people out there and it's comforting to find some that have outdone me in the looney department.

Monday, February 4, 2013

....and it's Monday. Whee!

Am I the only one who is sometimes a little happy to see Monday come? I'm sure if I had to comb my hair and face the "real" world instead of working from home with uncombed hair I might feel differently (I would definitely feel differently), but some weeks it's just kinda nice to be alone in my house again, even if I am working.

How was everyone's weekend? Ours was just, you know, weekendy. The highlight of course being the Destiny's Child reunion that took down the Super Bowl. { side note~ we play this game, it's horribly politically incorrect, we started playing after we watched Good Hair (if you haven't seen it you should, it's a documentary about African American hair staring (?) Chris Rock. Netflix it. You'll love it.), the game is called ~Wig or Weave.....I KNOW! It's wrong! Anyway, as soon as Beyonce was joined on stage by Kelly and Michelle, without any prompting, my son looked at me and said, "1 wig, 2 weaves." It was a proud moment. I'm sure you can imagine.}

On Saturday we went to an art gallery where our friend is having a one man show.  It was fitting that we would do something fancy and mature since, after listening to the audio version of Great Expectations last week, my husband has taken to speaking in an English accent. It's a lot like hanging out with Eliza Doolittle, but instead of show tunes he sings 70's rock and roll. He even called up his parents and when his dad got on the phone he said "Auhllow aged, whut ye been up to eh?" To which I'm pretty sure my father-in-law replied, "What in the hell are you talking about Sylvan?"

On Friday I went to see Silver Linings Playbook. It was good. Funny, touching, and a little close to home in places (I've been getting (more) in touch with my crazy lately, I'm not entirely sure I recommend it....getting in touch with your crazy that is, I totally recommend the movie). It's based on a book, which I haven't read but just ordered, because obviously the stack of books on my bedside table that I don't have time to read hasn't fallen over yet, which indicates that it's not Jenga feet tall and can take a couple more books before it becomes a safety issue for the cats. I'll let you know how it is in a year and a half when I finally get time to read it.

Friday, February 1, 2013


I wrote this whole giant super long post about being crazy, then last night I woke up in the night thinking that I'm just a different version of the crazy people I complain to my friends about, and wondering who my friends complain to about me. I decided to just save that post about having panic attacks over making dentists appointments for another day. 

Moving along......
Look!! I ordered some Valentines. You should too. 
1. This is awesome. My mother in law is going to be so amused. (Just kidding! My mother in law is not mean to me all of the time, this is for my brother.)

3. This one is printable, you can make as many as you want!

4. Are we over the Star Wars thing? Cause I'm still feeling it.
There you go. Hope everyone has a hap hap happy Groundhog Day and all the wings you can get your hands on for your Superbowl party. (There's a wing shortage you know, my brother told me, he's always on top of important matters like that. It's even worse now, thanks to these two geniuses.)