Thursday, May 31, 2012

Am I the only one...

...who thinks this is gonna be AWESOME?

The First Husband Review

Not my first husband. I've only had one husband and he'd rather I not review him here. It's a book.

 The First Husband by Laura Dave, the latest BlogHer Book Club selection, I read it over the weekend. Not my usual kind of book. I suppose it probably falls under the "chick lit" category. It's a light easy read.

Annie's boyfriend dumps her, she meets a new guy, falls in love, goes against her usual patterns and ends up in kind of a mess, everything works out in the end. I didn't hate it, but it was fairly predictable and I started to feel a little annoyed with the main character after a while. I think probably the problem was me. Which is, as we know, the story of my life.

If however, this is your kind of book, I say go for it. It's not the worst I've read, just not my favorite genre.

I was compensated for this BlogHer Book Club review but all opinions expressed are my own.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

I don't even know why I bother

So, I've told you about working out at the Y and how I'm the youngest person there and how it's really good for my self esteem. Well, I've been trying to get my husband to exercise and it's exhausting. He's very resistant to change and physical activity. Saturday I tried to trick him into fitness by asking him to come and show me how to use the weight machines.

 Side story, my legs are in a bad way and desperately need toning.

We get down there and he decides that the best thing would be for us to make an appointment with a trainer. Ugh. I knew he was stalling but I let him make the appointment.

Yesterday we go back and tell the "receptionist" who we are and she shouts to this REALLY OLD GUY "Hey Jim, do you have a 10:30 appointment?" Oh you guys, I just knew it was a joke. It had to be. HE WAS SOO OLD.

It was not a joke.

At least not the kind I would have laughed at.

Jim, as it turns out is very knowledgable about fitness. No doubt due to his many many years of experience. He asked us our goals and then he put us on the treadmill so we could do some target heartrate blah blah...I wasn't really paying attention because, duh, I exercise, I WAS JUST TRYING TO TRICK MY HUSBAND INTO EXERCISING TOO.

First he checked our resting heart rates. "Oh, that's not good" he said when he saw mine. "It's really kind of high, possibly a cause for some concern."  Then he looked at my sedentary husband, "Yours is fine." Seriously? Now my husband was totally bonding with Jim and also making little smirky faces at me. You know what? Some people can't ever be grateful when their wives are trying to trick them into better health. It's rude.

Jim told us to go on and warm up and he'd check back in 5 minutes. I'm sure you won't be shocked when I tell you that in five minutes my heart rate was even higher, no doubt due to my irritation over the backfiring of my evil plan to make my husband healthy. Guess whose was barely higher? That's right, Mr. I Don't Even Pretend To Eat Healthy. Jim told him that he seemed to be in pretty good shape, he just needs to lose a few pounds.

But for me, the person who has been going to the gym on a regular basis for MONTHS, Jim suggested, strongly, that I see a doctor....."Just to be safe, it's probably nothing, but we don't like to take chances." Clearly Jim is in the wrong business, since he has NO idea how to recognize a person's true physical condition.

Turns out meeting with a trainer was the worst idea ever. And also I might die.

Just kidding. I'm not going to die.


I am probably going to have to give up Diet Mt Dew.  Which is kind of like dying.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Ugh! Help me out here....

Tomorrow is the last day of school. Our daughter is in the 6th grade and there is an, in my opinion, over the top crazy pants "Graduation Extravaganza" in the morning. The ceremony is expected to be 2 hours + long. I've been to shorter high school graduations. After the graduation there is a dance party that lasts all afternoon with a live dj,  a candy bar (which is not a hunk of chocolate in this case, rather a table filled with jars of candy...all you can eat) and a wall of video game systems.

Last year when our son "graduated" from 6th grade there were tons of parents dressed up fancy themselves and they brought bouquets of flowers and balloons. It was silly. We changed elementary schools this year and I was hoping that common sense would prevail this time around. No such luck.

Look, I get that it's a bigish deal to be done with elementary school, and I think an awards ceremony and end of year party are a fine idea. I like to build self esteem and have fun as much as the next guy, but, again, in my opinion, this thing has gotten completely out of control. It's the 6th grade, EVERYONE "graduates". Right?

The teachers sent home an invitation that said boys should wear ties and girls should wear dresses. They've been talking it up to the kids that it's a big fancy hooha.  My daughter wanted to buy a new dress and I said no. I told her she has lots of nice dresses and skirts and she could wear one of those. She wasn't thrilled but she finally let it go. This morning the mother of one of her friends called me and told me that she was taking her daughter dress shopping tonight, that her daughter is hoping she can find something like a prom dress. A little snort may slipped out (because I'm so good at hiding my true feelings) and I asked her if she was really going to get something like that, her reply was that it's a formal occasion.

YOU GUYS!!!!! Really?

Am I a big jerk because I am not buying my daughter a prom dress (or any dress for that matter) for her 6th grade graduation? Is it just me or does it seem like we're setting ourselves up for greater and greater expectations? If 6th grade graduation warrants a prom dress what are we gonna wear to prom? PLUS, prom dresses that fit 12 year olds? That's a whole other post.

I don't want to be the only parent that shows up empty handed tomorrow, and I don't want my daughter to feel bad because I didn't buy her a tiara, but I also cannot stand feeling like I'm being pressured by the masses to give prizes for doing something that's expected.

PS~I feel like it may seem like I'm a huge jerk. I am a huge jerk, but I love my daughter and I am proud of her, she's worked hard this year, I would just like to be able to recognize that in my own way and not be pressured into buying mini prom dresses and landfill filling mylar balloons.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I'm always surprised at my ability to go on and on about pretty much nothing.

Groupon sent me an email a few days ago offering a discount on a personal keychain breathalizer. Oh Groupon, bless your heart, you're a few years too late.

I'm on the fence as to whether or not the keychain breathalizer is a good idea. If your judgement is intact enough to wonder if your should breathalize yourself, you probably have the presence of mind to realize that you need to call a cab. Right? Then there's the fact that it comes with 3 additional mouthpieces, so all of your friends can test themselves too. I'm just sayin', as someone who's been drunk a time or two, expecting the inebriated to breathalize themselves and have the dexterity to swap out the mouthpieces seems like a stretch, unless the idea is to distract the drunks long enough that they sober up, in that case...BRILLIANT!!

Anyway, I don't drink anymore so I was pretty much in the camp of not really needing a personal keychain breathalizer, that is, until I woke up this morning. I almost never remember my dreams. I like it that way. Who wants to go around all day wondering if they need to visit a dream interpreter? Then last night I dreamed that I had gone to a meeting, a work meeting, and the next day I kept seeing this woman who had a tattoo running all the way up the back of her leg. It was like one of those stocking seams but super decorative. At some point I became aware that the tattoo lady was me. My "dream friends" told me that I had gotten drunk at the meeting and gone out for a tattoo afterwards but my dream self didn't remember any of it. I'd like to think that if my dream self had been in possession of a breathalizer on her keychain the whole mess could have been avoided. (If one of you wants to use your iphone to look up drunken tattoo getting dreams and let me know what it represents in my regular life I would be forever grateful.)

In other email related news, last week I got one from Sarah Jessica Parker. We aren't really all that close anymore, in fact I was kind of surprised that she even has my current email address. She wanted to let me know that if I made a contribution, any contribution, 3 dollars would be enough, to a certain political candidate, I would be entered into a drawing where the prize is lunch at her house with herself and the candidate in question. I considered it carefully, I mean, offers like that don't show up in my inbox every day (more like every 3 days), but in the end I decided not to do it. For one thing I don't think 3 dollars is going to make a difference in anyone's campaign, but mostly I opted out because I don't really want to have lunch with Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew Broderick maybe, but since he wasn't mentioned in the email I thought it best not to take any chances. What if I won? What on earth would we talk about? It has the potential to be really awkward, and I've got enough awkward going on with my drunken dreams, I don't need to deal with it when I'm awake too.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

If this doesn't bring a tear to your eye.....

....then I don't even know what you people are doing here.  I'll Have Another (the horse, not my motto) won the Preakness Stakes yesterday, giving him a chance at winning the Triple Crown when he runs the Belmont Stakes in a few weeks.
Here he is winning the Kentucky Derby a couple of weeks ago.

Friday, May 18, 2012

It's the least I can do.

Since I"m fairly certain my readers count on me to keep them in the know about what's hot and what's not, I thought I should tell you that John Mayer has come out of hiding and has put together a new album, it's not releasing officially until next week, but you can listen to the whole thing  RIGHT NOW for FREE on itunes. I've been listening to it all week and I'm quite enjoying it.

I know what you're going to say, he has a bad reputation, he does that funny silly putty thing with his mouth when he sings, he's full of himself, he said all that junk about Jessica Simpson and now he's started dressing up like some kind of shaggy cowboy.~

You're right, but I don't care. Those things are all true, but honestly, who among us hasn't talked a little trash about Jessica Simpson? And I, for one, have been known, on occasion, to make some pretty ridiculous fashion choices. I'm not one of those people who has to like everything a guy does in his personal life to be able to watch his movies or listen to his music. What can I say, I'm shallow.

*John Mayer did not pay me to write this, although, considering my large readership and immeasurable consumer influence, he probably should have.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

10 bucks to the person......

....who comes up with a title that sums up the content of this post.

Monday I was on my way to pick the kids up from school when I saw a guy on his motorcycle. I immediately noticed that he was not wearing a helmet (now that I have a motorcycle riding child I am hyper aware of reckless fools), he was however, wearing goggles. His head was shaved and my first thought was of the sweet tan line he was going to be sporting soon, as I got closer I noticed that there was something on the back of his shirt. You guys.....it was his license plate!! Safety pinned to his t-shirt! People are so clever.

Later, that same day, I was in the car again and I saw that the car in front of me was wearing a plate that said~ DUBL D. I wasn't able to get a good look at the driver, but my greatest hope is that the car belongs to a couple named Duane and Debbie, because if not........

Also, in unlicense plate related news, I'm doing really well in my high school classes. A few weeks ago our 17 year old came to me and very unenthusiastically said. "I have to write a paper but I can't think of a topic. Got any ideas?" Wouldn't you know, it just so happened that I DID have an idea, the day before my brother and I had been discussing the Electoral College. After a quick explanation my son was convinced of the injustice of the electoral process. AND he was.....wait for it......EXCITED to work on the paper (there might have also been fleeting talk of starting a grassroot movement to crush The Man and give the power to the people~but he talked me out of it) .

*I'm going to tell you a little secret, I LOVE to look things up. Facts. YAY! I'm a weirdo. Got some big boring books about bridge building laying around? Hand 'em over. I can't get enough. Learning is FUN guys!!  I'm pretty sure it stems from my grandfather's devotion to the World Book Encyclopedia. Not only did he sell them, but he was also a big fan. Whenever we asked him a question (sometimes even when we didn't) he wouldn't just tell us the answer, even though I'm sure most of the time he already knew. No, he would sit us down and whip out the encyclopedias, and we would read together. It was the old days boys and girls, when knowledge came from books.

I'm kind of the same way. I'm one of those people who tells you to look up the words you can't spell. Drives my kids NUTS. Every once in a while though, it comes in handy. My son and I sat down and I pulled out my version of the World Book, the internet, and we learned all about the Electoral College. Then we he wrote a paper. I think he felt our emotional bond grow, especially during the evening when we finished the bibliography. Anyway....he got it back yesterday and we....I mean HE, got an A. The best part was that he admitted he enjoyed learning "all that crap about the founding fathers".

One more thing, this is my favorite song this week. Makes me cry almost every time.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Mother's Day...bah!

Holy cow. It's all or nothing around here. I was just going to write a nice (& short) little post about Mother's Day and how gracious my daughter in law is and it turned into a novel that goes no where. The short version, for those of you who are on a tight schedule or don't like to read drivel~I don't do Mother's Day. Then we took our kids to an AWFUL Mexican restaurant and my lovely daughter in law pretended the whole thing was just fine. I'm lucky.The End.

Long Boring Version~

I'm not going to go on a big rant or anything, but Mother's Day is not my favorite day. In fact a few years ago I started spending the day drunk ignoring it. Or trying to anyway. I forbid my husband from making a big deal and buying silly presents. There is no breakfast in bed. No flowers. And we DO NOT go to church on Mother's Day. I got tired of sitting there listening to the talks about wonderful mothers and comparing myself to all of the saintly women in the world. I mean, I'm no Betty Draper, but I'm also not going to be on the cover of Time magazine anytime soon either. Mom enough? Only time will tell.

Ignoring Mother's Day doesn't keep me from comparing myself to other moms, but I like to think it distracts my kids from wondering why there's a whole day devoted to the woman who only cooks once a week, refuses to wash socks that are inside out, and tells them to suck it up when they complain about, um, anything. Especially being hungry and not having any clean socks. (they're not starving, ya'll, my husband LOVES to cook)

Now, every year, instead of brunch and flowers, we go hiking and out for Mexican food. This year we have a daughter in law.  Poor thing. She was a great sport, but I couldn't help thinking several times during the day about my first few years as a daughter in law and all the ways I thought my husband's family was weird.(Note-different doesn't always equal weird, but it does equal some events that are not the funnest things ever.) So, we hiked. And it was hot. Not like heatstroke hot, but it's May. In Arizona. Hot enough. I seem to be the only person in my family who loves a good hike.(how did that happen? In my imaginary memories my family loves the outdoors and subtitled films. Next year I'm inviting my imaginary family over for Mother's Day) After the hike we always go to this Mexican place to eat. I don't love it, but my family does, so it's kind of a trade. I make them hike, then they get to eat at this icky hole in the wall that they love and I pretend to not be grossed out. Fair enough, right?

Well, this year, when we got to the restaurant it was PACKED (Mother's Day, duh! Except, we've been doing this for a few years and it's never been this packed.) and there was live and LOUD music.Ole! At first we were going to just wait for a table, but after a few minutes of enjoying the "entertainment" we decided to look for another place to eat. My husband is all about "authentic" Mexican food, and he swears by the little local family owned joints. Which is fine, because usually I get a cheese enchilada no matter where we go. In my mind cheese enchildas are one of those things that are hard to mess up. I know now that it can be done. The place we ended up was pretty bad. And the service. Ugh. I'm telling you what, if the waitress is good, that goes a long way with me and I can usually let the food slide, but this place. Man oh man. However, they did have some pretty sweet velvet paintings and a giant rosary, which was something I'd never seen before (the giant rosary....I've seen tons of velvet paintings), so I suppose that's something.

It was a good day, but I kept worrying about what my daughter in law was probably thinking. Bless her heart. First we drag her on a hot dusty hike to look at desert plants, then we take her out for an awful lunch. None of this is local by the way, we drove about 2 hours out of town for this good time. I might not care about whether or not I'm the best mom in town, but I really really want to be the best mother in law in town.  Memories of dinners out with my husband's family when I was a new daughter in law popped into my head over and over. Sadly, due to my genetic sarcasm disorder, I don't think I was as nice back then as my daughter in law was yesterday. Proving once and for all that what goes around does not always come around. Thank goodness!!

Anyway...Here's a self portrait of me and 2 of my sockless hungry children~

My punishment for not doing laundry is them refusing to take normal pictures. Such lovely boys.

I know I've been absent for the last couple weeks. Sorry. I keep getting calls and e-mails from my gazillion fans* wondering where are all of the awesome posts they love so dearly. My funk seems to be lifting finally, and I have a wide variety of new and exciting things in the works so it looks like I'm back in the saddle and all that jazz.

*(Ok, not really. One person mentioned it, casually, in passing)

Friday, May 4, 2012

What can I say? I'm a dork.

 In honor of Star Wars Day, I was going to post the highlights of an awesome collection of Star Wars tattoos I saw yesterday (I never stop being "fascinated" by the stuff that goes on in the tattoo parlors of the world. WoW!), but I decided against it, instead, I give you, highlights from my StarWars Board on Pinterest.(Don't act like you don't have a Star Wars board on Pinterest. Please. I know you do.)

 Light saber pops, to ease the misery of those 120 degree days.