Thursday, March 8, 2012

If I could just get a few of my marbles back I'd be in business....maybe.

Last night I dreamed I threw an amazing party. The food was delicious, the decorations original, the conversation lively. Afterward everyone kept telling me how much they loved it. It was amazing.

Back in the old days I used to really throw parties like that. I'm not kidding. I could throw a party like nobody's business. (Or at least I imagined I did.) Then I got old and tired and Martha Stewart started mass producing her ideas and selling them at the swap meet and it just wasn't fun anymore. Curse you Martha and your need to control the universe! I think we can all agree that if you're not on the verge of a nervous breakdown because you stayed up until 3a.m. the night before making personalized party favors there's really no point in having people over.

Another reason I don't throw parties anymore is all of the people. These days parties out are not my thing, coming or going. In the last few weeks I've been invited to several (it's not as glamorous as it sounds, I'm not really popular, most of the invitations came from relatives) and I've decided that much like the New & Improved Lindsay Lohan, I am a homebody. People make me nervous. Like really really nervous. Even people that I like.

It seems like as I get older I ought to be getting more comfortable, that I shouldn't care what people think of me, or worry that I'll say something stupid/obnoxious/rude, right?  But that doesn't seem to be the case. The opposite seems to be happening. When I get an invitation to an event that will be attended by more than 5 or 6 people I start to feel anxious right away. If I can manage to force myself to go it will only be when I know for sure someone "safe" will be there.(Safe= someone who knows what a huge dork I am but pretends that I'm totally normal)

Two weeks ago I spent 3 hours at a wedding reception sitting between my husband and my brother trying to avoid making eye contact with pretty much anyone. One week ago I went to a baby shower and actually had to apologize for having sweaty palms when a stranger introduced herself to me and wanted to shake hands. Tuesday I volunteered at track and field day at my daughter's school and spent the entire morning silently praying no adults would try to lure me into some kind of conversation. (Especially that one teacher who took track and field day as an invitation to wear her tennis mini skirt and a tight tank top so she could play volleyball with her class {of 5th graders} without having her 60 year old self weighed down by pesky clothing. There's a woman who has no social anxiety.)

It's not enough that I feel completely uncomfortable the whole time I'm out in public, afterwards I insist on reliving every conversation, gesture, wacky eyebrow lift.

I'm nuts ya'll. My closet is full of crazy pants. This wackiness is just one of the things going on in my head, there are easily twenty more.

Now you know.


tarable said...

You sound like loads of fun. You should come to a party at my house. In fact, I might throw a big party just for you. Maybe a surprise party so you won't have to be nervous beforehand.

It's funny because I bet no one can tell you feel like that. When you and I went to that blogger meet-up I thought you outshone me in every way - being social, having proper conversations, not appearing to be there just for the loot. Way to throw everyone off.

wesley's mom (sue) said...

You're very kind Tara. I'm always certain everyone can tell that I'm dying inside, which of course only makes me MORE nervous. Vicious. Cycle. UGH.

Karen said...

This is how I feel all of the time. It's not new for me, it's how I've always been. Imagine High School! Thanks for breaking through your own barriers to come to our party last week ... talk about too many people!

lori.huffaker said...

thDitto, and ditto. I would really rather always be in the kitchen getting stuff ready or washing stuff. Thats why I like you though, you are one of my safe people. I even felt soooooo miserable at YW kickball when everyone was standing around eating donuts, it was awful. How sad is that. I hate faking like I want to be somewhere.