Thursday, December 22, 2011

I am that girl

People of the world, I am that girl who seems to, with little or no effort at all, find herself in one sort or predicament or another ALL THE TIME. I can not even do a simple thing, like my civic duty, without making a mess of things.

You are not going to believe it when I tell you how my time at jury duty turned out. Or maybe you know me better than I know myself and you will not even be the slightest bit surprised.

As I mentioned last week, jury duty was really really dragging on for what seemed to be a cruel and unusual amount of time. Time which I believe is undoubtedly directly related to lawyers being paid by the hour. It's the only  logical explanation for what took place in that courtroom. Items that could have been explained in minutes took hours, and things that could have taken hours took days. By day 6 I was cracking up just a little bit.

You try sitting silently day after day listening to people spout facts that seem to have nothing to do with the bottom line, while in the back of your mind all you can think of is how far behind you're getting at work, or that you're missing your daughter's band performance, or that you forgot to tell your carpool mate that you couldn't pick up kids this afternoon. I'm not gonna lie. I was getting irritated. However, I was prepared to do what I had to do.

Jury of your peers and all that crap.

On what was to be day the SEVENTH day, I, juror #6, was asked to enter the courtroom without the rest of the jury. I was sure the judge was going to tell me that I am not as discrete as I think I am and I needed to stop making annoyed faces when the lawyers were talking.

Instead this happened~

Judge: Good morning juror #6. Are you Ms. Lunt?

Me: Yes

Judge: Ms Lunt, it has come to the court's attention that you have a blog where you have blogged about jury duty, is that correct?

Me (DYING & and also fearing certain incarceration): yes

Judge: I'm afraid that is against the rules and I am going to have to excuse you, however your blog is extremely entertaining and I cannot for the life of me imagine why you are not rich and famous.*


And thus, in a most humiliating fashion, ended my career as a hander down of justice.

Let that be a lesson to you...or to me.....or to somebody.

*The judge (who by the way was a very nice man), did not really say that stuff about me being rich and famous or my blog being entertaining, but I could tell he wanted to.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

If it's not one thing......

On Sunday I walked away from the computer with my Pinterest page up.

I came back an hour later and found my husband commenting on people's pins signed in as ME!

He was saying things like~
"Why would anyone do that?" and "that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen" and "DUMB"

It's only a matter of time before I get kicked off the internet.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

For those hard to buy for folks on your list.....

Our family has a Christmas Eve party every year where the white elephant gift exchange portion is always highly anticipated. So much so that some of us are on the lookout all year long for just the right gift. My brother calls me periodically (at least once a week) to tell me he's found something perfect. 

Last night these suggestions came to my phone....
That's right, tequila bottles shaped like guns.
Because nothing says Happy Holidays Ya'll! like liquor from an automatic weapon.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Bah Humbug!

Last night, after opening all the Amazon boxes and having a little gift inventory, I found myself placing a final desperate eleventh hour order in an effort to make sure everyone's dreams come true Sunday morning. I have to tell you, I'm starting to feel a little put out with Christmas.

First of all, I'm having a hard time believing it has been an entire year already, didn't we just celebrate Christmas a couple of weeks ago? I think there's some Harry Potter time turner mumbo jumbo going on around here, and that's not cool. NOT COOL Christmas, do you hear me?

Secondly, we have too much junk. My kids do, your kids do, I for sure do. I feel like I'm running around racking my brain trying to find the perfect gift for people who already have everything. People!! Stop buying stuff! Otherwise you're getting a gift card from me, and I don't care if you think that's not a fun or thoughtful gift. I am tired. I thought of 10 things you would like then I found out you already had them. Obviously I can figure out what you like, but if you already have 2 of them why would I get you another? 

Also, Christmas, would it be possible to change up the menu? These sugar plums are going straight to my hips and considering how unjolly I'm feeling, it's not looking as hot on me as it does on Santa.

Am I the only one feeling cranky about Christmas? 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

My karma seems to be a little out of whack

This has been a loverly week so far. My washing machine broke (it's fixed now), my husband wrecked his truck (totalled it actually~no one was hurt{thank goodness}), jury duty broke up with me (I'll tell you all about it when I can), and a real live truant officer came to my house. (I thought truant officers were just a trick to keep kids in line.....similar to Santa Claus.)

It's only Thursday, I cannot WAIT to see what else is in store for me.

I have to go to the post office this morning, an errand that never fails to produce something interesting. Please join me in hoping it's not anything too interesting.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

It's not like I have anything better do, right?

You guys!!! Jury duty is eating my life. Today the judge thanked us for being so patient and attentive, then as a reward he informed us the trial was unfortunately going to go at least one day longer than he had estimated. All I can say is thank heavens jury duty is so lucrative. I'm going to need that $12.00 a day to pay for all this junk I've ordered from Amazon.
*ps-I've been so busy I haven't even opened most of these packages. I hope for Santa's sake there's something good in those boxes.

Monday, December 12, 2011

It's like living an episode (or a season) of Law & Order

In the sense that a judge and lawyers are present.

Last Monday I had to report for jury duty. You know the drill. You get the summons in the mail, you go down to the courthouse at the appointed time, you end up not being needed, you're thanked for your time and you head home, civic duty done, off the hook for 6 months (if it's longer than 6 months before you get another summons where you live I suggest you thank your lucky stars.)

I've had to report for jury duty several times in the past and it has always gone just like that. I never get picked, and that, friends is okey dokey with me. This time, however, there were all of these prospective jurors, people with "circumstances that left them unable to serve" and just like that, next thing you know my number is up and I'm on the jury. Feel free to call me by my new nickname-Juror #6.

We're now in our second week of testimony. In the beginning it was interesting and I was kind of having fun, but at this point all I want for Christmas is my life back.

There's not a lot I can say about the thrilling situation I find myself in, a situation you no doubt envy, but here are a few things I CAN say.

1. Last week I wore make up FIVE days in a row. Five days you guys! That's a lot of days. I haven't gone through this much mascara since the 80's.

2.  It's not all that hard to get out of jury duty. In fact, it seems that things like the need for a cane, being a single parent, possibly having a drs appointment "sometime" in the next 10 days, or feeling a little dizzy from the cold medicine you took this morning are all sure fire ways to find yourself home before noon.

3.  I have not worn sweatpants in over a week. This is a world record for me.

4.  Not telling your husband about the trial is really hard. Especially when your husband fancies himself a Jim Rockford of sorts and dreams of the day(s) he will get selected to serve on a jury.

5. Jury duty is exhausting. Honestly, I am so tired at the end of every day. Apparently all of that paying attention takes a lot out of me.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

This is why we can't have nice things.....

I hate cats.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I know everyone loves to get mail, but.....

I'm starting to think our family is not cut out for holiday correspondence. Every year I feel compelled to write a letter.

I feel compelled mostly because I'm in an unofficial competition with my brothers.

I compete even though it's a contest I don't stand a chance of winning. Ever.

Here's why- Brother A always sends one of those "we hate to brag but our family is AWESOME, letters", which could make a person bitter except his family really is awesome and also practically perfect in every way. It's nauseating. Or it would be if they weren't also gracious and humble. Jerks. Brother B (or rather his lovely clever wife) sends this darling letter every year that has been "written" by my niece. It's cute and funny and EVERY YEAR my granny goes on and on about it, like it's the most original thing she's ever seen (even though it's the exact same gimmick they've been using since she was 2. As if a 2 year old could write a Christmas letter. Sheesh.) "That little Annie is just so funny!". Brother C just keeps having adorable little kids. It's like they have one, then before the rest of us know what's going on, BOOM, here comes another cute kid. What the heck? Who can compete with that?

Our family is none of these things, we are not perfect, nor are we spunky, and we are all out of cute little babies. We are Sarcasm. That's right. Some people are Anorexia, we're Sarcasm. Even though it's a lot of work to have the entire family be good at the same thing, shockingly, some people don't have a real appreciation for our talent.

I've tried not sending a letter, but since I don't have pictures of new babies to distract from the lack of words I get all kinds of grief from old ladies who want to know what we've been up to (though I secretly suspect they just want to compare my kids to Brother A's kids).

My husband and kids HATE the letter. They complain that I over share or that I'm not as funny as I think I am (as IF). I get tired of their yammering, so this year I told them they could each write me a paragraph about themselves and I would cut and paste it un-edited.

Possibly not the best idea I've ever had.

Here are a few quotes-

"I’m going to tell you about what I did this year. I finished 5th grade. I thought it was never going to end."

"Howdy! The year started off great when I wore the cat shirt I got for Christmas back to school. Everyone loved it."

"*** has had a great year. He started a prestigious job at Harkins in April" 

In the past some years I have written 2 letters. A funny letter for those who have a sense of humor and another for the grandparents. This year I don't have the energy for it. This winner is printed and on it's way to your mailbox. Some people should be careful what they wish for.

Monday, December 5, 2011

You'd think I'd have better things to do......

Sometimes I look at fashion blogs. Doesn't everyone?

The other day I thought to myself, "Hey self! You're stylish, you should have a fashion blog."

Then I had to pinch my self because it wouldn't stop laughing.

Later, when my self was taking a nap I decided I would post some pictures and let you decide. Plus, I'm bored and I have no pride what so ever, AND I KNOW you often say to your selves "I wonder what Sue's wearing today?"

Don't lie, I know you do.

Sometimes I leave the house, not often, but occasionally. On those days I get crazy and wear scarves. 
(that's not true, I've worn this scarf twice. In 3 years. I'm not really very good with accesories.)
Sometimes I go to the gym. Why are you laughing? I DO! On those days I like to wear my kids old jr high PE shirts. I think it says, "I'm serious about working out."  Don't you agree?
Sometimes I don't go anywhere and I wear something awesome like this. 
I can't think of anything clever to say here. Look! Clothes! 
This, or some version of it, is what I wear on Saturdays, or anytime there's a Kentucky game, or on Saturdays when there is a Kentucky game. 
It's lucky, it helps them win. 
This is what I wore to church. Yes, I am totally rocking the grandma shoes. Totally.
Please feel free to leave your fashion questions in the comments. 
I'll try to find someone who can answer them.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

I think.....

....I'm going to have to get a big ol' poster of this quote to hang above my bed so I can read it every evening before I go to sleep.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wouldn't it be loverly to start each day without yesterday's old nonsense?