Friday, September 30, 2011

It's like torture with a scoop of ridiculous on top

So, I started running.

I know, you’re impressed. Me too.

It’s been a little over a month and I can now run an entire 5K distance on the treadmill without dying or making sounds that make other people think I’m dying. (Yeah, yeah, the treadmill, my loving son keeps reminding me it is NOT the same as REALLY running. My children are so tender. I wonder where they get that. Anyway, who cares? I think we can all agree that “fake” running is better than the alternative, which, in my case, is watching people run on YouTube.)

However, this is not a post about my amazing athletic abilities (though I will agree with you, my abilities are pretty impressive), this is a post about television. Specifically ESPN. And also race cars.

The other day I was at the gym (on the treadmill) and the TV was tuned to ESPN2, let it be known, ESPN2 has daytime programming like no other (which is not necessarily a compliment). I’m not familiar with the channel changing protocol at the Y, though to be honest I was a mile into my run by the time I realized what I was watching and there’s no way I’m going to get off the treadmill, change the station, and return to my run, so I ended up watching the delight that is NASCAR coverage for 40 minutes. FORTY! Who had any idea there was so much to say? It just looked like a lot of crashing into walls and tire changing to me. At one point a little bubble popped up on the screen that said Lap 271. Are they kidding? People sit at home drinking Budweiser watching these cars go around in ovals for 271+ laps?! I don’t get it.

What I really want to know is why no one is watching I Love Lucy reruns while they work out. Seriously, I could probably run through 3 or 4 episodes of Lucy and Ethel’s shenanigans and be distracted enough that I forget how much fun I’m not having. Instead I’m watching sweaty race car drivers and I can’t decide which is more agonizing, NASCAR or mile 3.

Here's my point (you didn't think I had one did you?) ~ Even if I thought driving fast cars was a sport, and I don't, watching people who are more physically fit than I am while I'm trying to get physically fit is not my idea of a good time.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Pizza day ain't what it used to be.

Thinking about where my food comes from is like sitting down to figure out the budget; it gives me a stomach ache, so I don’t do it very often. Thinking about what my kids are eating is even worse. I just finished Lunch Wars by Amy Kalafa about school lunch programs in America, and now I'm on the lookout for 10 acres of fertile land where I can grow all of the food my family eats. 

Lunch Wars is very interesting, when I say interesting I mean there were a couple of times when I had flashbacks of reading The Jungle my sophomore year in high school and my vow to never eat hot dogs again. (What? You didn’t spend your weekends reading books about the meat packing industry for fun when you where 14? I suppose you spent your free time trying out new hairdos? Whatever.)

I’ve been concerned for quite some time about the lunches at school so it wasn’t a surprise to me that what’s offered in the cafeteria is not gourmet or highly nutritious, in fact I try to get my kids to pack a lunch as often as I can, but there were a lot of things about school lunch programs that I was not aware of, or just hadn’t thought about before. Kalafa explains in detail what our kids are being offered at school (it's worse than I thought), how those decisions are made and what we can do as parents to make changes at a local level. It’s super thorough and informative, great in a lot of ways, and a little overwhelming. Okay, really overwhelming.

In my ideal world everything having to do with school would be based on what’s best for the children. In the real world, when I send my kids to out the door in the morning it’s a crap shoot; from teachers who don’t have the tools (and often the patience) to teach effectively, social pressure from other kids who have different standards or who are just jerks, to not only having access to junk food, but actually having the school sell it to them. How do you even know where to start trying to exact changes?

I appreciate what the author is trying to do. Really. I’m glad someone has time to make a full time job of championing this cause and if you have kids who eat at school I'd recommend reading this book, if for no other reason so you can have a better understanding of what's for lunch and how the system works. For me, right now, I'll keep talking to my kids about trying to make healthy choices and keep looking for that compound in the woods where we can escape from the world and it’s additives.

*BlogHer Book Club paid me to write this review, but the opinions are all mine.

Friday, September 23, 2011

I see London, I see France....

Just when I thought I was getting used to the idea of my son getting married it was time for the bridal shower. Holy heck!  At the end of my life, when the list of my 10 most awkward moments is read (and you know it will be), sitting two chairs away while my future daughter-in-law opened lingerie will be in the top 3. (I’m a dork, the thought just popped into to my head that I need to pick a team, either use numerals or spell the words, don’t mix and match, but, because I’m a dorky rebel, I’m leaving it just like it is, and adding this stupid stream of thought as a bonus. You are so welcome.)

Anyway, the bridal shower….This probably sounds na├»ve, but I was caught completely off guard by my reaction. I really hadn’t even thought at all about the fact that I was going to a party where it was likely underwear would be tossed around, the kind of underwear that means sex. Not just sex, but that my kid, my BABY, is going to be…….

I can’t even type it. Sweat was literally streaming from my armpits. (That’s quite the visual, eh? One woman looking at her pretty new things while 2 chairs away another woman is spraying sweat on anyone in her immediate vicinity. Someone should write a skit about me for SNL.)

How did it come to this?

I have 4 sons. FOUR!  This is not my last bridal shower. People should warn you about stuff like this when you start having kids. “Um, excuse me ma’am, some day this boy is going to grow up and meet a lovely girl, you will probably even like her. That girl will rip your boy away from you and wear get ups she got from Victoria’s Secret and from then on you will only see him at Sunday dinner twice a month for the rest of your life. There is nothing you can do to stop this.”

Childless people are probably aware of this. It’s the secret no one tells.

What has been the hardest thing for you to digest as your children have grown up? 

Monday, September 19, 2011

Believe it or not

I don't like thrift stores. They smell bad. No bargain is worth enduring the smell for an hour of rooting through other people's discards.

I don't like Cafe Rio. There. I said it, what are you going to do about it?

I've never been to Anthropologie. I can drive, I could have gone anytime I wanted, I've just haven't ever wanted to that badly.

I don't eat curry. I've never even tried it. The color is off putting.

I didn't go to Target for their Missoni debut. I like Missoni but as soon as something becomes trendy and widely available it's dead to me. I don't know why. Mostly likely a character flaw.

Sometimes I'm cranky for no apparent reason.

I have lived in Arizona for 20 years and never been to the Grand Canyon. I'm afraid one of my children will fall in. True story.

*linking to Heather of the EO's just write feature today. 

Friday, September 16, 2011

A few things I've seen around and don't understand....

That's right, action figures that hunt. Cool? I think not.
And he's versatile, not only can he aim a rifle, but he can use a bow too. 
He comes with little trophy antlers. 
I don't even know what to say.

Here we have the latest offerings in luxury toilet seats. It's the Intelliseat Bidet,
an electronic seat with features like, "Adjustable water pressure, feminine wash, endless warm water, and a remote control." Apparently they're all the rage. I saw them at Costco. 
Really Costco, remote control toilet seats? What next, giant buckets of cookie dough?
Honestly, if you click on only one link from this post, make it this one

Gummy Vitamins....VitaCraves even.....for ADULTS. Seriously? 
Gummy vitamins for grown ups? Hmmm.
And finally, the dancing hamsters are back. 
I don't think I can take it. Hamsters should NOT wear pants. 
It's so very unflattering. 

Monday, September 12, 2011


Almost every morning I have to trick myself out of bed by promising me a “rest” later in the day.

I say (not out loud of course) “Just get up now, and later, after the kids have gone to school, you can take a little nap.” For some reason my self is so gullible that I end up out of bed before 5:30 every morning, even though I haven’t taken a nap since 1973. What a sucker I am. 

What I’m trying to say here is, I AM TIRED YA’LL!!

And it’s only Monday.  This does not bode well for the rest of the week.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Step right up

I'm taking a poll. 
Yesterday I ordered one of these hilarious shirts for myself. 

When I find something that I deem exceptionally clever I can't help it, I want to tell others about it. 
I'm a giver. 
Imagine my horror when, after telling a couple of people about my awesome new shirt, I found out they didn't get it. No, seriously, take a second and imagine it. Thank you.


So, here is my question~

*The shirt is yesterday's from shirtwoot. What? You don't know about shirtwoot? You people REALLY have to get out more.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Deep thoughts by.......me

Sometimes my dreams annoy me. Last night I chased something, or someone, all night. I woke up even more exhausted than usual. Why can't I ever dream about taking a nap?

There are people who do big things and people who do little things. Are the people who do little things less important? Could the people who do all those big things get anything done without the doers of little things?

I’ve heard that little girls and kittens are a match made in Heaven. But I think that depends on who you ask, the little girls, or the kittens.

This morning there I was offered a Groupon for eyelash extensions. The e-mail said that eyelash extensions offer protection from "dust particles, pollution, and hours of uninterrupted direct eye contact".  I'm intrigued. Not enough to pay even the Groupon price of $69.00 to have my own eyelashes extended, but curious none the less.  

Friday, September 2, 2011

Not that this will come as a surprise to most of you.....

It turns out I might be a villain.

The other day my brother called and asked me if I’d started making my super hero costume. At first I laughed, but then I realized……I do in fact have a super power, I tell people all the time, sarcasm is my super power. I have the ability to offend mother-in-laws in a single bound.

It’s true. I’ve done it more times than I can count.

We started talking about costumes and mottos (because we are grown ups for sure) and soon I became quite intoxicated with the idea of being a caped crusader.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Um, excuse me Sue, isn’t your son’s wedding date just barely a month away? Don’t you have better things to do with your time, like calculate the amount of chicken salad required to make croisandwiches for 100+ guests?” And to you I say, “You betcha! And just as soon as I iron out all of these super hero details I will get right on that.” (In the meantime, if guestamating chicken salad amounts is your super power, would you mind terribly leaving the quantity and a recipe in the comment section? Thanks!)

The first thing I did was get out my thesaurus. Natch.

Funny side note~ A few years ago I was given a generous gift card to Barnes and Noble which I decided to use to make a practical purchase ~ an expensive thesaurus. What could be more practical than a timeless resource book? Apparently in my fervent rush to have all those words at my fingertips I failed to remember one minor detail, the internet. I have used my behemoth book of words about 3 times.

Anyway, like I was saying, I got out my thesaurus so I could find another word for sarcasm; if I’m going to be a super hero I want a name that will stand the test of time. Something clever that will showcase my power.

I was quite shocked to find that my expensive resource book does not think so highly of my gift. In fact, here are a few of the synonyms suggested ~ ironic, contemptuous, sneering, trenchant (which I had to look up and means deliberately hurtful, ouch!), acerbic, and smart-alecky (ok, maybe that one fits).

I decided to give wit a try. Much better. Astute, shrewd, sagacity (profound knowledge and understanding, coupled with foresight and good judgement). Super Sagacity!! I like it.

Then I started thinking that maybe obvious is the way to go, like Batman, or Spiderman. Those guys didn’t go crazy thinking up things like Arachniasapien; they just went with the first thing that popped into their heads. If it’s good enough for the Hulk, it’s good enough for me.

 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Wit Woman!!

What's your super power?