Tuesday, August 30, 2011

And now a bunch of nothing. Ta-Da!!

Lions and tigers and hurricanes, oh MY! I was verily captivated by all of the hurricane coverage last week. I'd like to say the reason for my concern was that I have family members who live in the storm's path, but the truth is, I'm jealous, we don't get a lot of weather out here. I mean sure, we have our Haboobs, but, and you're probably going to find this hard to believe, I'd trade all that blowing dust and zero visibility for a semi-exciting rain storm every now and again.

Why don't people use the word behemoth more often? It's a great word. I, for one, am going to start trying to work it into conversation at least once a week.  Please try not to be intimidated by my lofty goals.

Our Target is being remodeled and it's driving me nuts. I can't find anything. Even when I have a list I end up getting so disoriented that I leave without half of the things I need. It's awful.  AwFUL!

I read Rules of Civility and wrote a review. The review is here, but I have to tell you, the review doesn't really do it justice. I liked this book a lot, for reasons I wasn't entirely able to put my finger on (hence the sucky review..sorry Amor Towles). You should read it.

If you didn't watch all the recommended video clips that show up after you watch the super hero video from yesterday, you're missing out. Lori, there's one that shows some of their names, and they are AWESOME!
I think my favorite is the guy whose "name" is Super Hero, he has an SH on his chest and a really cool car.
There's a website too. The Real Life Super Hero Project Very interesting.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

And there you have it.....

This morning my son gave me this synopsis of The French and Indian War that he allegedly learned in his American History class.

 “The French were trading the Indians stuff like pots for all of their fur. Then the British came along and wanted to be fur sellers. But the French people liked the Wal-Mart prices they had been paying so they teamed up with the Indians to fight the Brits. We haven’t finished the chapter yet so I don’t know who won but I’m guessing not the Indians.” 

I don’t even know what to say. Public education is an amazing thing. Truly.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Just another dumb cat story

Do you guys remember a little while ago when I told you about my husband the cat lady and how we were being overrun by cats and how only one of those cats was even tolerable to me, thanks to her crotchetiness and unwillingness to suffer those “other” cats and their antics? 

Maybe not. It’s a lot to remember.

 Welllllll……Last Sunday morning I woke up and found one of our back doors open, which in itself is an AWESOME thing as it allowed us to swap a whole bunch of our icky expensive cold air for some delightfully free warm air. Apparently one of our children had not latched the door properly and it had opened on its own sometime during the night. At first I was a little annoyed about the air exchange, until I realized that some of our cats had taken advantage of the situation and escaped. Whee! 

They came back.

 Who says cats are stupid?

 But then......

Our old crotchety cat is in the habit of hiding under beds and coming out only under the cover of darkness to take her meals then promptly returning, it never even occurred to me that she might have slipped out when she had the chance. Besides, the couple of times she has gone out she’s quickly realized that it’s an oven out there and come right back in.

 Around Wednesday I realized I hadn’t seen her for a few days so we did a casual search which turned up nothing but some giant lint balls and that one thing somebody has been looking for since February. I still didn’t worry too much because I figured she was just sick of us and our “here kitty kitty” and she’d found a good place to hide. Cats are sarcastic like that.

 By Friday I was getting a little worried. We still hadn’t seen her and people were placing bets on where we were going to find her corpse. Saturday morning I called her bluff and made everyone thoroughly clean EVERYTHING. Still no sign of her. Weird.

I figured that even though we didn’t see her, we also didn’t smell her so the news couldn’t be too bad.........I realize this is making me sound like one heck of a prize winning compassionate pet owner, look away if you must.......Of all our cats she’s my favorite, but I’m a dog person, if you know what I mean.

Any who......

 Sunday evening we were eating dinner when someone shouted “LOOK!! It’s Tiger!” Sure enough she was standing outside our back door. When we opened it to let her in she ran off and we had to lure her out from under our neighbor’s shed with some tasty dry cat food. For the life of me I can’t figure why she even came to the door if she was just going to run off again. Cats.

 She’d lost weight, I’d guess how much but that would mean pretending that I had any idea how much she weighed to begin with and also MATH, so let's just say, some. She’d lost SOME weight. A lot for a cat. 

She acted weird for a couple of days, and one or two of our kids suggested taking her to the vet and having her put down as it seemed unlikely she would ever be the same after being outside for a whole week (my kids would be shocked if they heard about the lifestyle of those crazy “farm cats” who live outside ALWAYS), I think they were just trying to get revenge because they had to clean under their beds during our “search party” because this cat has never been one of those cats who likes to fetch, if you know what I mean. Her half starved heat stroked self is not a whole lot different from her hide under the bed and hiss if you leave the lights on too long self. She seems to be pretty much back to "normal".

Anyway, I said all that to say this, our cat went missing and we thought she was dead, then she showed up again and it’s possible she’s a zombie cat who will never die because zombies are already dead, right?

Cats are awesome.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Nothing good can possibly come from educating the children.

Last night I woke up 3 times drenched in worry and sweat that I’ve failed as a mother because I can’t remember how to multiply mixed numbers.

It’s pretty shocking, considering how often I have a need to work with mixed numbers, which is NEVER! People- we should not be mixing our numbers! It will lead our youth to anarchy and quite possibly a wide range of nervous conditions. I, for one, am not afraid to stand up and say that I am against math in all it’s ugly forms. So there.

I hate school. It’s only been back in session for a week and it’s killing me. I hate carpools and homework and school lunches and MATH (I so super hate the math). You’re probably not going to believe this but all of those things in their individual forms give me anxiety-- you cannot even imagine the amount of stress they cause me combined. (I can hear my brother slapping his forehead right now and saying something like “For crying out loud! Get over it already!!”…for the record, young man, that is not very compassionate.)

You know what I don’t hate? This shirt I bought my son which he wore on the first day of school~

I can’t help it, I think it’s hilarious. Hi-lar-i-ous!!

I didn’t hate back to school shopping with my son. It was fun, especially the part where the 10 year old girl who works at PacSun called me honey. It was cute.

Back to school shopping with my daughter was a different story (and thus goes my life). We went to Forever 21. For years now I’ve been trying to figure out what they mean by FOREVER 21, I think I’ve figured it out, it’s the physical measurement of the person who all of their clothes are supposed to fit. It’s not forever 21, the age, it’s forever 21, like your waist in 7th grade. Also, that little trick of theirs where they play annoying music really loudly while your daughter points out all of the tiny clothes she loves that confuse you because they look just like the clothes you wore in 1985 and soon the room is spinning and you think you’re having a flashback but really it’s just a tactic to make you say “Yes! Yes, I will buy you that whole stack to cheap jewelry and the puffy mini skirt and cut up sweatshirt ala Madonna’s Holiday video can we just get the heck out of here?!!” I could do without that.

I vote for longer vacations. Can I get an Amen?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Your day is about to get GREAT!

I noticed the other day that the document where I keep my rough drafts for this blog is 48 pages long.

48 pages of unfinished thoughts, stupid observations, and topics I wanted to, at one time or another, write a post about. Some of it's old, like from the last election 4 years ago old, and some of its not fit for human consumption yet, some of it, I'm afraid, never will be. There's a little bit of good stuff mixed with a whole lotta junk.

Anyway, I've got to clean that thing out. I can't even see the bottom of it (I'm kidding, if I scroll down for an hour I CAN see the bottom. Must we always be so literal?).  I hate to just delete everything, so, I've decided, on days that I don't have anything else to say I'm going to start purging some of it. Like a garage sale. Except you don't have to pay me. Yay! Free stuff!!

I really am a dork.

Here you go, 3 things I probably should have just gotten rid of.  You're welcome.

I work from home. My desk sits at a window that faces the front door. I can see out, but those who come knocking cannot see in and therefore do not realize I am sizing them up, deciding if they are worth my time. It’s harsh but true. My time is valuable.

Already this week I have ignored some Jehovah’s Witness’s, a roof “inspector”, and some guy with a clip board.
Here is a list of places, all with very good reasons, that I do not take my children-

1.       The Circus-It smells bad and the animals are not treated well.
2.       Fairs of any kind-They’re run by carnies
3.       Hot Topic-It’s run by carnies
4.       Peter Piper/Amazing Jakes/Bounce-a-roo….. any place where they give you tokens with your pizza-----Chaos+Me+=Panic
5.       Swimming in rivers or lakes-slime underfoot and living things in the water
6.       Bowling Alleys-Sweat and who knows what all kind of icky stuff left behind. 
I hate that little Skype popup that always tells me who’s online. Do you guys get that? As soon as I see it I think, “Ugh, I wonder if their going to Skype me?” Or if it’s someone I want to talk to I think “Hey! Maybe they’ll Skype me!” Then after about 10 or 3 minutes my insecurities go to work and I start wondering “Why aren’t the Skypeing me? What’s wrong with ME?” I’m pretty sure the answer to that question is that I’m a loon.

Friday, August 12, 2011

I can’t be a paragon of self-control EVERY day

I’m blaming PMS, though that might be stretching the definition as I am an oldish woman with only one ovary. (Was that more than you wanted to know? Oops!)

Yesterday evening I had a small package to mail. Correction- I had the contents of a small package to mail. It was getting late, so I ran to the post office to use one of their flat rate boxes and the “Self-Service” mailing station. (You know, that scale thingy that spits out the correct postage after it weighs your stuff and you answer 10 questions about your package that range from “Are you trying to send jello across state lines, because that is discouraged?” to “Would you like insurance for this package? Really? Because sometimes we lose/damage/eat stuff. Now would you like some insurance?”

For some reason (my money is on laziness) the mailing center is never fully stocked, a detail I seem to forget every time, luckily there was one box left in the size I needed. The item I was mailing was just a little too small, but there was a stamp collecting brochure lying there and I was able to rip out a couple of pages and wad them up for filler (You don’t imagine that’s a federal offense do you? Who are they trying to kid anyway, no one collects stamps anymore. Do they? Is there an app for that?)

One of the questions the nice machine asks is if you are using one of their boxes, then it asks you which one, then it spits out a postage “stamp” that is so big it covers one entire side of the box you just told it you were using and you’re supposed to figure out how to fit it on the package and still leave a clue to WHERE the box needs to be delivered. WHY does the robot ask WHICH box you are using if it is going to print a sticker that is too big for that box? WHY??????

I looked at the giant sticker and at my little box and I’m sorry to have to tell you this, I snapped just a little. I slapped the sticker on the back side of the box and wrote a note on the front side in the tiny space that says “Place Postage Here”. Then I realized that writing mean notes to the mailman is kind of like insulting your waiter and since the package contained a birthday gift I would hate for it to get spat upon so I tried to play off my mean note like it was a joke by drawing a smiley face next to it but if your birthday is next week you might want to use gloves when handling your mail.  Just sayin’. It’s the thought that counts, right?

Monday, August 8, 2011

Monday? Already?!

Over the weekend, at Costco, I saw a guy asleep on one of their display sofas. It’s true.

This was no, “My wife won’t quit shopping so I’m gonna sit down here and rest my eyes for a minute.” He was out. It was “My tummy is full from my brunch o’samples and I’m going to take a nap yo!”

It made me laugh.

I went to Girls Camp last week, school starts this week, and my son is still getting married, all of this leaves me with lots to tell you, but as usual I’m overwhelmed and understaffed, so you’ll have to bear with me.