Friday, June 3, 2011

I might even qualify for disability!

Listen, I’ve been sitting here for an hour trying to put a few words together so we could get all caught up, but in the week since Oprah abandoned me I seem to have lost my ability to focus. Thanks Oprah, thanks for NOTHING!

Then I remembered……yesterday I was listening to the radio and I heard an advertisement for people who are afflicted with something called Shift Work Sleep Disorder. (Have you ever noticed that on the radio they have a lot of REAL commercials that could pass for SNL skits?) There is now a medication for people who have problems functioning because they do shift work. When I heard you can go to the doctor because you’re all janked* up from being on a screwy schedule a voice in my head said, "SHUUUT UP!" Because I seriously doubt shift work can even compare to the syndrome that is "I have an infant (or two even) and I haven't slept through the night in over a year and I don't see anyone handing me pharmaceuticals!" But then different voice said, “Hang on a second! If people can get drugs because they chose to work at night, a woman like you probably has a long list of things she could be medicated for!”

After I told my voices to stop talking over one another I made a list~

1. Oprah Obandonment Syndrome~ Surely I’m not the only person out here who is wondering how they will ever again know what to read, think, wear, or eat. Worst of all, how will we know which celebrities (Oprah aside of course) are worth of our worship?

2. Mother(-in-law) Suggestion Malady~ For the sudden onset of rage one might feel after hearing the same “helpful idea” for the 57th time.

3. Your Child is Getting Married Disorder~ What we need here, is a prescription that takes the edge off, but still leaves you able to drive, just in case you suddenly need to flee the scene of a planning session.

4. Mom Guilt~Seriously, who has NOT wished there was a drug to combat the guilty moms get every time they turn around?

5. Birthday Party Planning Rash~ Am I the only one who gets this? Today is our daughter’s birthday. She’s 11 and had decided that because 11, like say, 16 or 21, is traditionally such a milestone year, there was only one way to properly celebrate. Bowling with her friends! Naturally!! I should have seen this coming, because if there is one thing our family loves it’s bowling. We head down to the B.A. (Bowling Alley) about twice a......NEVER!

We don’t go bowling. I don’t like bowling. I have a thing about sticking my feet and fingers in places recently inhabited by strangers sweaty parts. I tried suggesting other things, like pony rides or skydiving, but she stood firm. Only bowling, the funnest thing EVER, was going to make her happy on this, her 11th year. So I resigned myself to an evening of catching foot fungus and eating the best nachos in town. Then at the last minute, for some unknown reason (the power of prayer), bowling fell out of favor. I should have known it would, this is the child who doesn't leave the house before trying on at least 4 outfits and she NEVER goes with the first one.  She changed her mind and now we are having about 20 little girls over for cake and pizza, in that order. I mean it’s her 11th birthday, the least I can do is let her eat dessert first, especially now that I don’t have to spend the evening getting finger germs at the bowling alley.

And, because I really do need drugs and I have no coherent way to wrap this up (damn you Oprah!), you should go read this~ Tina Fey's prayer for her daughter. It's funny, and true, and I might frame it.

*Thanks to Darcy, who has a magnificent vocabulary, for the word "janked". 


Karen said...

I just got done reading Tina Fey's book "Bossypants". She is a funny, funny Momma ... and so are you. You deserve the best drugs that money can buy ... or that a handsome man on the corner can deal.

And Oprah has janked up the entire world for sure!

Cheryle said...

I'd rather go bowling than have 20 pre-adolescent girls in my house! Just sayin'.

Em @ Inspired Coincidences said...

yes, thanks for nothing Oprah =)

stopping by from MMB's post of the week!

(thanks for making me smile this morning!)

SupaFlowaPowa said...

Heard that book is a riot - can't wait to read it... You are hilarious! Though I'd have to say from my high horse over here not an Oprah fan world to GET OVER IT! Hahahahaha. And how can you NOT like bowling? Who are you?! It's no more dirtier than going grocery shopping or taking care of your kids. Bowling is the BEST ever!!!!!!