Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Then I realized it was my lucky day.

Which means it was someone else's unlucky day.  Yin/Yang and all that jazz.

This morning my husband had a tiny surgical procedure (torn rotator cuff). He’d never been “under the knife” before and he was a little bit nervous. Luckily the hospital has this fantastic program in place to help you forget all your troubles.

In fact I think they call it “There’s always somebody worse off than you.”

Here’s how it works. You get all dressed up in one of those backless hospital gowns and settle into a “comfy” bed in one of those cozy curtained cubicles at least an hour before the procedure is scheduled to begin. They make sure the room is chilly so you can blame your shakes on the cold instead of your nerves. Then, when you think you can't stand the anticipation any longer, the show starts.

Behind the curtain to the left you hear a woman ask to speak to the anesthesiologist. She needs to let him know that twice before she has woken up in the middle of surgery. Once when she was having an exploratory procedure and once when she was having the toenails on her right foot removed.

You might be surprised at how badly you want to yank the curtain open and get a look at this woman. Especially when she adds that thanks to her smoking coach she’s down to 3 cigarettes a day. (Did you know smoking coach was a real job? Cause I didn’t. I’m dying to know what that resume looks like.)

The fun has barely ended behind curtain #1, when across the aisle, you hear the nurse ask her patient if he has any metal in his body. “No. No metal. Well, except.... I do have a surgical needle stuck in some fatty tissue. Been there about 3 years.” The most amazing part of that little exchange was how the nurse didn’t even seem to be alarmed by the idea that this man has been going about his business for 3 YEARS with a NEEDLE stuck inside him.

Just when you think it can’t get any more interesting in the pre-surgery holding area, the curtain to your right pipes up. When asked if she has any questions, the patient wonders “if this rash around her left nipple will keep her doctor from operating?”

I can’t speak for her doctor, but if it were up to me.......

Sadly a few minutes later we learn that her sugar count is a whopping 371 and she didn’t need to bother mentioning that rash after all. Her nurse informs her that there is no way Dr. No is going to cut her open with a count that high and, by any chance, has she forgotten to mention that she’s diabetic?

Next thing you know an hour has passed and being knocked out and cut up seems like a great alternative to hanging out with these guys for one more minute.

*all of these things really happened, and I'm pretty sure the participants were not actors.
**my husband has decided that streaming episodes of The Rockford Files is very important to his recovery, James Garner has been solving crimes in my family room for the past 6 hours. Awesomeness. Truly. 


Karen said...

I've been dying to hear details on the recovery ... I had no idea that the details in the pre-op would be even better!

Heidi said...

Good old James Garner--gotta love him! Hope your hubby feels better soon. That's a hard one to recover from.

lori.huffaker said...

That is hysterical, all the good things happen to you, your so lucky!!

Morgan -Ing said...

Hahah! Nice! People can be very strange...

Karen Peterson said...

Wow. I think after listening to those people, I would have checked myself right out of that hospital. Craziness!

Visiting from CBC.

*TARA* said...

This post just made my morning. I'm taking my husband in for an operation today and will be thinking about this post while I am there. bring on the crazzies :D