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Thursday, December 22, 2011

I am that girl

People of the world, I am that girl who seems to, with little or no effort at all, find herself in one sort or predicament or another ALL THE TIME. I can not even do a simple thing, like my civic duty, without making a mess of things.

You are not going to believe it when I tell you how my time at jury duty turned out. Or maybe you know me better than I know myself and you will not even be the slightest bit surprised.

As I mentioned last week, jury duty was really really dragging on for what seemed to be a cruel and unusual amount of time. Time which I believe is undoubtedly directly related to lawyers being paid by the hour. It's the only  logical explanation for what took place in that courtroom. Items that could have been explained in minutes took hours, and things that could have taken hours took days. By day 6 I was cracking up just a little bit.

You try sitting silently day after day listening to people spout facts that seem to have nothing to do with the bottom line, while in the back of your mind all you can think of is how far behind you're getting at work, or that you're missing your daughter's band performance, or that you forgot to tell your carpool mate that you couldn't pick up kids this afternoon. I'm not gonna lie. I was getting irritated. However, I was prepared to do what I had to do.

Jury of your peers and all that crap.

On what was to be day the SEVENTH day, I, juror #6, was asked to enter the courtroom without the rest of the jury. I was sure the judge was going to tell me that I am not as discrete as I think I am and I needed to stop making annoyed faces when the lawyers were talking.

Instead this happened~

Judge: Good morning juror #6. Are you Ms. Lunt?

Me: Yes

Judge: Ms Lunt, it has come to the court's attention that you have a blog where you have blogged about jury duty, is that correct?

Me (DYING & and also fearing certain incarceration): yes

Judge: I'm afraid that is against the rules and I am going to have to excuse you, however your blog is extremely entertaining and I cannot for the life of me imagine why you are not rich and famous.*

Me:ok

And thus, in a most humiliating fashion, ended my career as a hander down of justice.

Let that be a lesson to you...or to me.....or to somebody.

*The judge (who by the way was a very nice man), did not really say that stuff about me being rich and famous or my blog being entertaining, but I could tell he wanted to.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

If it's not one thing......

On Sunday I walked away from the computer with my Pinterest page up.

I came back an hour later and found my husband commenting on people's pins signed in as ME!

He was saying things like~
"Why would anyone do that?" and "that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen" and "DUMB"

It's only a matter of time before I get kicked off the internet.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

For those hard to buy for folks on your list.....

Our family has a Christmas Eve party every year where the white elephant gift exchange portion is always highly anticipated. So much so that some of us are on the lookout all year long for just the right gift. My brother calls me periodically (at least once a week) to tell me he's found something perfect. 

Last night these suggestions came to my phone....
That's right, tequila bottles shaped like guns.
Because nothing says Happy Holidays Ya'll! like liquor from an automatic weapon.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Bah Humbug!

Last night, after opening all the Amazon boxes and having a little gift inventory, I found myself placing a final desperate eleventh hour order in an effort to make sure everyone's dreams come true Sunday morning. I have to tell you, I'm starting to feel a little put out with Christmas.


First of all, I'm having a hard time believing it has been an entire year already, didn't we just celebrate Christmas a couple of weeks ago? I think there's some Harry Potter time turner mumbo jumbo going on around here, and that's not cool. NOT COOL Christmas, do you hear me?

Secondly, we have too much junk. My kids do, your kids do, I for sure do. I feel like I'm running around racking my brain trying to find the perfect gift for people who already have everything. People!! Stop buying stuff! Otherwise you're getting a gift card from me, and I don't care if you think that's not a fun or thoughtful gift. I am tired. I thought of 10 things you would like then I found out you already had them. Obviously I can figure out what you like, but if you already have 2 of them why would I get you another? 

Also, Christmas, would it be possible to change up the menu? These sugar plums are going straight to my hips and considering how unjolly I'm feeling, it's not looking as hot on me as it does on Santa.

Am I the only one feeling cranky about Christmas? 




Thursday, December 15, 2011

My karma seems to be a little out of whack

This has been a loverly week so far. My washing machine broke (it's fixed now), my husband wrecked his truck (totalled it actually~no one was hurt{thank goodness}), jury duty broke up with me (I'll tell you all about it when I can), and a real live truant officer came to my house. (I thought truant officers were just a trick to keep kids in line.....similar to Santa Claus.)

It's only Thursday, I cannot WAIT to see what else is in store for me.

I have to go to the post office this morning, an errand that never fails to produce something interesting. Please join me in hoping it's not anything too interesting.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

It's not like I have anything better do, right?

You guys!!! Jury duty is eating my life. Today the judge thanked us for being so patient and attentive, then as a reward he informed us the trial was unfortunately going to go at least one day longer than he had estimated. All I can say is thank heavens jury duty is so lucrative. I'm going to need that $12.00 a day to pay for all this junk I've ordered from Amazon.
*ps-I've been so busy I haven't even opened most of these packages. I hope for Santa's sake there's something good in those boxes.

Monday, December 12, 2011

It's like living an episode (or a season) of Law & Order

In the sense that a judge and lawyers are present.

Last Monday I had to report for jury duty. You know the drill. You get the summons in the mail, you go down to the courthouse at the appointed time, you end up not being needed, you're thanked for your time and you head home, civic duty done, off the hook for 6 months (if it's longer than 6 months before you get another summons where you live I suggest you thank your lucky stars.)

I've had to report for jury duty several times in the past and it has always gone just like that. I never get picked, and that, friends is okey dokey with me. This time, however, there were all of these prospective jurors, people with "circumstances that left them unable to serve" and just like that, next thing you know my number is up and I'm on the jury. Feel free to call me by my new nickname-Juror #6.

We're now in our second week of testimony. In the beginning it was interesting and I was kind of having fun, but at this point all I want for Christmas is my life back.

There's not a lot I can say about the thrilling situation I find myself in, a situation you no doubt envy, but here are a few things I CAN say.

1. Last week I wore make up FIVE days in a row. Five days you guys! That's a lot of days. I haven't gone through this much mascara since the 80's.

2.  It's not all that hard to get out of jury duty. In fact, it seems that things like the need for a cane, being a single parent, possibly having a drs appointment "sometime" in the next 10 days, or feeling a little dizzy from the cold medicine you took this morning are all sure fire ways to find yourself home before noon.

3.  I have not worn sweatpants in over a week. This is a world record for me.

4.  Not telling your husband about the trial is really hard. Especially when your husband fancies himself a Jim Rockford of sorts and dreams of the day(s) he will get selected to serve on a jury.

5. Jury duty is exhausting. Honestly, I am so tired at the end of every day. Apparently all of that paying attention takes a lot out of me.


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

This is why we can't have nice things.....

I hate cats.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I know everyone loves to get mail, but.....

I'm starting to think our family is not cut out for holiday correspondence. Every year I feel compelled to write a letter.

I feel compelled mostly because I'm in an unofficial competition with my brothers.

I compete even though it's a contest I don't stand a chance of winning. Ever.

Here's why- Brother A always sends one of those "we hate to brag but our family is AWESOME, letters", which could make a person bitter except his family really is awesome and also practically perfect in every way. It's nauseating. Or it would be if they weren't also gracious and humble. Jerks. Brother B (or rather his lovely clever wife) sends this darling letter every year that has been "written" by my niece. It's cute and funny and EVERY YEAR my granny goes on and on about it, like it's the most original thing she's ever seen (even though it's the exact same gimmick they've been using since she was 2. As if a 2 year old could write a Christmas letter. Sheesh.) "That little Annie is just so funny!". Brother C just keeps having adorable little kids. It's like they have one, then before the rest of us know what's going on, BOOM, here comes another cute kid. What the heck? Who can compete with that?

Our family is none of these things, we are not perfect, nor are we spunky, and we are all out of cute little babies. We are Sarcasm. That's right. Some people are Anorexia, we're Sarcasm. Even though it's a lot of work to have the entire family be good at the same thing, shockingly, some people don't have a real appreciation for our talent.

I've tried not sending a letter, but since I don't have pictures of new babies to distract from the lack of words I get all kinds of grief from old ladies who want to know what we've been up to (though I secretly suspect they just want to compare my kids to Brother A's kids).

My husband and kids HATE the letter. They complain that I over share or that I'm not as funny as I think I am (as IF). I get tired of their yammering, so this year I told them they could each write me a paragraph about themselves and I would cut and paste it un-edited.

Possibly not the best idea I've ever had.

Here are a few quotes-

"I’m going to tell you about what I did this year. I finished 5th grade. I thought it was never going to end."


"Howdy! The year started off great when I wore the cat shirt I got for Christmas back to school. Everyone loved it."


"*** has had a great year. He started a prestigious job at Harkins in April" 

In the past some years I have written 2 letters. A funny letter for those who have a sense of humor and another for the grandparents. This year I don't have the energy for it. This winner is printed and on it's way to your mailbox. Some people should be careful what they wish for.

Monday, December 5, 2011

You'd think I'd have better things to do......

Sometimes I look at fashion blogs. Doesn't everyone?

The other day I thought to myself, "Hey self! You're stylish, you should have a fashion blog."

Then I had to pinch my self because it wouldn't stop laughing.

Later, when my self was taking a nap I decided I would post some pictures and let you decide. Plus, I'm bored and I have no pride what so ever, AND I KNOW you often say to your selves "I wonder what Sue's wearing today?"

Don't lie, I know you do.

Sometimes I leave the house, not often, but occasionally. On those days I get crazy and wear scarves. 
(that's not true, I've worn this scarf twice. In 3 years. I'm not really very good with accesories.)
Sometimes I go to the gym. Why are you laughing? I DO! On those days I like to wear my kids old jr high PE shirts. I think it says, "I'm serious about working out."  Don't you agree?
Sometimes I don't go anywhere and I wear something awesome like this. 
I can't think of anything clever to say here. Look! Clothes! 
This, or some version of it, is what I wear on Saturdays, or anytime there's a Kentucky game, or on Saturdays when there is a Kentucky game. 
It's lucky, it helps them win. 
This is what I wore to church. Yes, I am totally rocking the grandma shoes. Totally.
Please feel free to leave your fashion questions in the comments. 
I'll try to find someone who can answer them.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

I think.....

....I'm going to have to get a big ol' poster of this quote to hang above my bed so I can read it every evening before I go to sleep.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wouldn't it be loverly to start each day without yesterday's old nonsense?

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Some stuff I really love right now~

1. Amazon.com I have barely left my home and yet I am nearly done Christmas shopping thanks to Amazon. I love being able to sit in my bed and shop while watching Mad Men re-runs. 

2. Bounce Dryer Bar I didn't expect to like this thing, in fact I was kind of annoyed with myself when it came in the mail.  I'd gotten an e-mail that said something like~ "Wah wah would you like to try wah wah free wah wah......". I saw FREE and replied "sure, send me one."  Then after I had long forgotten about it, this Bounce Bar thingy shows up with a little note reminding me that I said I wanted to try it, I felt somewhat compelled at that point, so I did. I tried it. It is awesome! It would be weird how happy it's made me if I weren't such an easily excitable dork. 

There is this little sticky pad that you stick to the inside of your dryer and this little replaceble bar of Bounce stuff that goes on it. That's it. Stick it on and go. I'm not doing it justice with my description, but it's easy and there have been no negative side affects, the best part is no dryer sheets. Did you hear me? NO DRYER SHEETS! Our laundry room usually looks like a breeding ground for used dryer sheets. They're everywhere. The package says that the bar will last "up to 4 months", I'm sure that's for a family that doesn't do 5 loads of laundry a day. Our first bar lasted about 2 months, which is pretty good. The dryer is still producing lint, so if the Bounce people could work on that I'd appreciate it, but for now, I'll take not having to remember to add fabric softener. 

3. My New Shoes These are the best shoes I've bought this year and I don't care if they make me look like The Trunchbull when I wear them with skirts. So there. "Use the rod, beat the child, that's my motto."

4. Christmas Music Since I'm not leaving the house to shop, I have tons of free time to dance around in my good smelling clothes and my dorky old lady shoes. I'm driving my family nuts. Which is fine, because everyone knows that's what the holidays are all about.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Just the thing...

.....for the person on your list who has everything.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

It's like the whole world has become a series of bad SNL skits

Really people? This is not right. 
Diapers that look like Santa pants? COME ON!! 
Is there no end to the things we will put small children through?
Obviously not. 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Oh what a day!

We woke up this morning and decided to skip church and go on a family hike. I know, you're absolutely SHOCKED at our sinful ways. Believe it or not, as much fun as it is arriving at church ready to strangle or be strangled by your family every single week for reasons ranging from "he looked at me" to "why is there NEVER any Captain Crunch?", once in a while we throw caution to the wind and do something crazy like take a family hike. Look away if you must, the burden of your disappointment is a small price to pay for a fleeting moment of family unity.

As luck would have it the conversation today was remarkably educational. For example, we learned that a butt-ton (not to be confused with a "button") is significantly more than a butt-load. I was so relieved we were able to clear that up. How embarrassing would it be to use either one of those terms incorrectly? Once the grammar lesson was out of the way we moved on to other important topics like whether or not it is possible to drink an entire gallon of milk in less than an hour without vomiting. This is an easy one for me, as I have milk issues and would never even consider entering a milk drinking contest, a glass of milk served at less than the optimum level of refreshing coldness is enough to make me throw up, but for other members of our family the gauntlet has been thrown down and apparently we will be having a drink-off over the Thanksgiving break. Now is the time to place your bets, in this corner the man who swears that in his youth, much to the dismay of his grocery buying mother, he drank many a gallon in under five minutes, and in this other corner over here, the boy who claims he and his friends have projectile vomited much milk trying to prove their milky manhood.

What is wrong with boys/men?

Don't you worry, I'll let you know how this turns out. There may even be video.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Fa la la la la, la la la laaaaa.



Yes, I do know that Thanksgiving has not even arrived yet, and that there are those who think it's too early for Holiday Music, I'm mostly one of those people, but I bought this yesterday and it's lovely and I thought you'd want to know.

Get your own here.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Because I care about world events, and so should you

So many things important things have gone on while I have been on vacation and away from the newspaper. (Just kidding, I don’t read the newspaper. Ha! Paper. Who uses that stuff anymore?) Anyway, I know I’m late and everything I have to say is old news and there’s new news already but I feel compelled to comment on a few items anyway.

First, Herman Cain…..you ding dong you! You are cracking me up!!  I can TOTALLY see why people would think you should be our next president.  I was going to post the Mike Tyson does HermanCain video because it’s really funny but I decided Herman is just as funny as he can be all by himself.



Next, Kim Kardashian, hmmm.  Since I don’t have cable, I have not even seen one episode of her show,  though I’m sure it’s captivating, perhaps if I had there would be a side of Kim that I would feel compassionate toward or even curious about, instead I just think the whole thing is dumb. HOWEVER, my friend *Joel Stein who writes a column for TIME magazine called The Awesome Column, which it totally is, had some insightful things to say about the whole Kardashian fiasco. You can read them here. He’s funny and smart. He says things like “We have created a culture where marriage is less important than the wedding, which is less important than the Vegas bachelorette party, which is less important than the Facebook photos of the bachelorette party.” Amen says the woman who paid $50.00 to get married at a drive by wedding stand in South Carolina to the man she is still married to and has never once regretted not spending $500.00 on a dress she would only wear once.

Basketball season is here. I’m sure I will have much more to say in the coming weeks, but for now I don’t want to be all braggy and jinx anything, because, as you can imagine, my brags have been known to have jinxing power, let's just leave it at winning is FUN! and call it good for today.

*Joel Stein and I are not really friends, but I know we would be if he would only return my calls and e-mails.  Just kidding. I have never called or e-mailed Joel Stein. That would be weird. Which I am NOT.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Miss me?

Oh my gosh! Did you think I was never coming back? I was. I am. I did. Like a week ago almost. Wow. Time flies!

Virginia was great.  Tons of fun and just the right amount of crazy.  Now I’m missing my niece and nephews terribly and trying to catch up on everything I didn’t do while I was away. Apparently it takes 2 weeks to make up for every one week you're away. Who knew?

I have my computer back, finally. Well, not MY computer exactly. The shell of my old computer with a new hard drive inside, which it turns out is remarkably like getting a new computer at a fraction of the price. The downside is that nothing was able to be recovered from the old hard drive and every day I remember something else that I trusted to technology that is likely lost forever. Curse you technology!! {This is where I tell you that ALL of my contact information, e-mail addresses as well as mailing addresses was on the dead drive, please e-mail me your address if you want to continue to receive heartfelt handwritten correspondence and dorky birthday cards, unless of course this is the break you’ve been hoping for and now you can be rid of me once and for all!........as if!}

Alert! All is not lost!  As I was setting up my new computer last night I discovered over 1000 pictures on my Google account that I have uploaded to my blogs. Take that all you losers who say blogging is a waste of time!!

Monday, November 7, 2011

Guess what?

I made it to Virginia. We flew into North Carolina and caught a ride with my mom and her dog the rest of the way to my brother's house.  
You're not going to believe this, but when we landed in Raleigh the first thing I noticed was that they have WEATHER on this side of the country. Not only was it chilly but water was actually falling from the sky. It was impressive.
The second thing I noticed was a grown man wearing overalls in the airport. Sadly I do not have a picture of him, but please believe me when I tell you, it was everything you would expect an adult wearing overalls in public to be.
In North Carolina they also have shopping centers dedicated to Daniel Boone. If you ask me, nothing says "thanks for the memories" like shops set up in your honor. 
And behold.......
SEASONS!!! That's right. Leaves that change color.
Nice, eh?

Thursday, November 3, 2011

In case you were wondering......

I want to thank you all for your kind words of condolence. Our computer fixer called this afternoon and it looks like my hard drive is indeed dead. I'm little embarrassed to admit this, but I almost cried when she told me. All day I've been remembering things that are on that computer, and ONLY on that computer. Addresses, e-mails, copies of this, that, and the other thing. Ugh. She did say that it would be a good idea to hang on to the hard drive in the event that sometime in the future a new way becomes available to extract information from dead hard drives. For some reason this gives me a mental image of a room full of cryogenically frozen computers. Not necessarily comforting. On the brightish side, I've kept a family blog for several years and there are quite a few pictures there, so....yay?

In the morning my daughter and I are heading out to Virginia to meet our new nephew/cousin and start a wild rumpus with his 3 siblings. I didn't even start packing until 6 o'clock this evening. I know!! Hopefully we're just going to be hanging out at home covered in spit up, cause I mostly packed track pants and goofy t-shirts.

Traveling gives me anxiety, I'm not good at leaving my house, especially when half of my family is in it. Also, I'm a little nervous about taking a trip alone with my daughter. We're like Felix and Oscar. It could be a long day. For both of us.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

A moment of silence please


Yesterday afternoon tragedy struck. I hope you're sitting down. My computer died. It wasn't even that sick. One minute it's working, the next minute there's this weird clicking noise, (that I ignored for about 3 hours--how was I supposed to know?!), then nothing. NOTHING! A black screen. I tried restarting it and kept getting some stupid "No driver found" message.

Ugh!

My husband called a friend who makes computers for a living and when we described the events of the afternoon she said something along the lines of "Oh, that's bad. It sounds like your hard drive may have crashed."  I was sure that was just computer fixer gal lingo for "It's gonna cost you a "butt ton" to get this fixed." (a butt ton is what my kids always say when they mean a whole lot. I have yet to verify it's actual dimensions, but apparently it's massive, and is frequently the amount of chores and homework they have). Turns out that what it really means is "I'm so sorry for your loss, but it is very unlikely that I can save the FOUR YEARS worth of pictures, so hopefully you backed them up on an external hard drive you moron. What?! You don't have an external hard drive for your pictures? Are you kidding me? Who leaves FOUR YEARS worth of pictures on something so unreliable as a computer?"

I feel like my house just burned down and I wasn't able to grab the photo albums.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

It's about time....

I thought November would never get here.

This morning as I was tossing our jack-o-lanterns in the garbage I realized that Halloween has lost some of its charm. I used to be a pretty big fan, but I think I’m over it. It feels like all of the holidays are over the top nowadays. Next thing you know there will be a Martha Stewart line for Arbor Day.

Last night I saw adults dressed as a sexy Minnie Mouse and a super scary demon trick or treating with their kids. What is wrong with people? Did you know you can get a sexy Big Bird costume? Big Bird! For crying out loud, is nothing sacred?

I woke up to a text that my newest nephew was born this morning. He waited until Halloween was over bless his heart.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Pine Nut, Pistachio Nut, Red Pistachio Nut...

Whew! It's been a long week,eh?

This was parent teacher conference week. At our daughter's school the 6th grade rotates through 4 classrooms and  4 teachers everyday, so, instead of having 4 conferences, they do an "open house" style conference. A style, I learned this week, that is the least effective way to find out how your child is really doing at school. Since there are no appointments you just kind of hang around while the teacher talks to the parents who got there before you. Depending on how busy things are, if you want to talk to the teacher, you might have to be a little pushy. There didn't seem to be any of that first come first served business going on, it was all about eye contact and lurking in an eavesdroppy way so you make the parents she's currently talking to uncomfortable enough to wrap up their conversations. It was a little nuts. I decided I didn't care that much. If there's something pressing they can write me a note. I looked around at the junk writing assignments on the walls and headed out to meet with the band teacher because, guess what? He made appointments! I've gotta tell ya, it's feast or famine over there. While the classroom teachers were the pinnacle of laidbackedness, the band teacher was over the top serious. When I sat down he handed me a copy of a paper that I'd signed at the beginning of the year, you know, one of those, um, I will make my child practice, I will be on time to concerts, I will blah, blah, blah. Class rules and all that stuff. I thought he was like reminding me because I was in trouble or something, but he says, "This is for you. A copy for your records." For real? I don't know what kind of record keeper this guy takes me for, but I've got too many kids with too many teachers, all of whom want me and my kid to sign some kind of oath at the start of the school year. Please! I keep my copies of those documents in a special place, called the recycling bin. Because I care about rules and the environment.

Do you watch Parenthood? If the answer is yes, thanks for telling me that new season started like 5 weeks ago! Not that I would have had time to watch TV, but still, you could have told me. I've been catching up by watching a couple of episodes a night this week. I don't know why I love it so much, probably because I'm such a sucker for Craig T. Nelson. JUST KIDDING!! Every week it makes me laugh and cry, plus, great soundtrack. Bonus!!

We got a puppy. I don't yet know if this will be good news or bad, but she's cute, you know, like puppies can be when they feel like it. We thought with Halloween and ghost season upon us it was a good time to get a dog. Better safe than sorry I always say.

Speaking of dogs, you know what's funny? This~



And this~


And also, this is the funniest thing I've read all week, possibly all month. (*Bad word warning, but soo funny....in an eww kind of way.....oh never mind. Look away.)


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Never a dull moment

As you know my mother was in town for my son’s wedding, and proving that the goofball (me) doesn’t fall far from the tree (her) there have been many, many things that I have wanted to tell you about her visit but I have used my other super power-restraint-and kept my story telling to a respectful minimum. (For those of you who are on my speed-dial and now know things about my mom that might keep you from making eye contact if you were to come upon her in public, I don’t know what to say, being my friend/brother/sister-in-law is both a blessing an a curse. I’m sure you’ll find a way to move on.)

However, I can’t be expected to hold everything back.

My mom has a dog. Spooky, er, I mean, Sophie. Sophie is a dust mop, er, I mean, shitzhu. My mom also has a boyfriend, who is a widower and a dog sitter. Talk about convenient! While my mom was here, Sophie was back home staying at the boyfriend’s house. Bless his heart.

My mother is not unlike a teenage girl with a beau. She talks on the phone several times a day with her boyfriend and is also quite handy with the text message when it’s called for, which it seems to be quite often. But that’s a whole 'nother story.

A few days ago, after her early morning love chat, she came into my office and wanted to tell me what had happened with little Sophie the night before, and because I cannot resist a cute dog story, I gave her my full attention, I know you would have too.

“This morning Jim asked me if Sophie had ever seen a ghost before, and I told him yes, she had. We used to live in a house that was haunted. I even saw the ghost a few times. Don’t laugh, they’re real!” 

I can’t even tell you what a comfort it is to me to know that my mother has finally found her soul mate. When you find yourself not the least bit surprised to be having a conversation about your ghost busting dog with your new boyfriend you are a match. Made. In. Heaven. Seriously.

Turns out brave little Sophie had been barking at what, to the naked eye, looked like, um, nothing. All night. Those in the know, know that dogs who bark at nothing are a sure sign of paranormal activity. Who knew?

That’s right, when your dog does that thing where he just stands around barking at imaginary stuff he is not just trying to drive you nuts or make you wish you were a cat person. No, most likely your pup is in the presence of a ghost. BOO! But don’t worry!!! My mom told Jim (and me), it was likely just his dead wife and she won’t hurt him, or Sophie. Ghosts don’t want to hurt us. (Are you as relieved as I was to hear that?)

If you guys had any idea how hard it was for me to listen to this story with only a minimal amount of mockery you would be so proud of me right now. I RESISTED, I only made a few cracks, most of them went unnoticed due to the intensity of the moment.

I feel certain now that even though my mom has made it clear she doesn’t want a serious relationship at this time, this incident with the poltergeist has brought these love birds closer together and created a bond that will last at least through Valentines Day.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Hurrah!!

It's done. 
They're hitched and we all survived (mostly) unscathed. It was a good day, sweet and happy, just like it's supposed to be.

I'm exhausted and I'm going to go take a nap, but first I wanted to say thanks for all of the sweet comments you guys have left here while I've been having my months of hysteria and over-reaction and also to say that I seriously have the best friends in the world. I have had so much help and more offers to help than I could have ever imagined or needed, enough that I believe we could have staged a royal type wedding had it been required. Best of all has been the unending emotional support. The calls and e-mails and text messages from people who have more than enough going on in their own lives yet still remembered me. I surely don't deserve you but I don't know what I would do without you. 

Thank You!!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

And now for something other than sobby wedding talk....


So, I know you think I’ve just been sitting around wallowing about “the big event”, and you’re mostly right, but while I was wallowing I made time to read a book. Shocking, isn’t it? How to be an AmericanHousewife by Margaret Dilloway is less about being a housewife in America, or anywhere else, and more about relationships and how we complicate them.

Shoko is an aging Japanese woman who came to America as a young woman after marrying an America soldier. She has spent her adult life trying to be a good wife and mother in a country and culture completely different from the ones she was raised in. Meanwhile, back in Japan she left fractured family relationships that she desperately wants to repair before she dies.

The biggest thing I got from this story was a reminder that we never really have a clear picture of our relationships with others. Between not saying what we truly mean, and behaving in ways which we either think are expected by others, or in ways that we hope will bring a desired result instead of just doing and saying what is real, we make things so much harder than they need to be.

I didn’t find myself terribly drawn into this book, it was ok, but I never felt like there was enough depth to it. I was also bothered that the author made Shoko’s husband a Mormon but, based on the way she wrote about him, didn’t seem to have much knowledge of the faith.  Over all it was ok, the premise was interesting, but it just didn’t quite grab me.

*This post is part of a compensated review program atBlogHer. I was paid to read the book, but the opinions are my own.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

What would really help me out is one of those personal stylists and maybe some liquor.

Tomorrow is my son’s wedding. Fortunately I have so many things distracting me I probably won’t even have a minute to think about it until it’s over, and then, “Que sera, sera”, what are you gonna do, eh?

Some of the pressing issues on my plate are~

*Explaining, again, to my daughter why she cannot wear green nail polish to the wedding. The reason is because I am mean. Obviously.

*My mother is in town. Trying to keep her sweet tooth from turning my children into sugar crazed maniacs is a full time job. I have never seen an adult require so much junk food. She went with me to grab milk a couple of nights ago and picked up a few things for herself~
The woman has candy stashed all over the place. We went to Target and she said to my daughter, “Honey, would you like some Oreos? Grandma will buy you some.” Of COURSE she would like some Oreos. She’s a KID!! By the time we got to the checkout she had loaded the cart with Oreos, Pop tarts, and some Jack-o-lantern shaped Reese’s. I felt kind of bad making her put half of it back. She's an adult after all, but I think we've already established that I am mean, so, whatever.

{Wellllll, thankfully, as I was writing this post about being distracted enough not to think about the impending nuptials, my mother, ever the realist, has just come in to tell me how scary the real world is and how worried she is for my son to face it. Marriage is hard, says she (and she should know, she’s tried it a few times), so many things can go wrong. Seriously. I would have thought I was safe sitting in my office in the dark at 4:30 in the morning. But NOOOO, she pulled up a chair and told me how much she and my dad struggled and how these kids just don't have any idea what they're in for. I don’t think I have to tell you how comforting it was to hear the details (again) of a few relationships that ended badly on the eve of my first child’s wedding. My mother always knows just what to say. She used to answer phones for the crisis line back home. I wonder why she doesn’t do that anymore...... Then, out of nowhere, because I cannot ever just agree with her about anything, I heard myself calmly repeating all of the reassuring things my friends have been saying to me for months about young love and things working out and no one having any idea what they are getting into or they would never get married. So thanks friends!! My mom feels a lot better now, but she still doesn't think you should be able to use food stamps at McDonalds. (don't ask. it's hard keeping her pinned to one topic)} 

~Ok, back to the things I’m thinking about to keep from thinking about tomorrow.~

*The ten thousand things I will do without realizing them that will offend my husband’s family who arrive en masse this evening. Don’t let anyone tell you every cloud doesn’t have a silver lining.

*Should I wear patterned stockings to the wedding? Or am I too old for that?

*Speaking of what I'm wearing, I think I got the wrong shoes. They have this little ruffle thing that's not really me. Also, the buttons on my sweater are all wrong, should I change them? No one's going to be looking at me, right? Except in all those wedding pictures that will never ever go away?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Speaking of crying....

I just watched the video/slide show that will be playing on a loop at the reception Thursday and I would like to go on the record as saying this business of letting our kids grow up and get married is stupid.

STU-PID!

Monday, October 3, 2011

I cry even when it's not my party

I'm a big crybaby. I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm mad, when I'm tired.......

I go through a lot of tissues.

This week my mother is in town, my in-laws will be here in 2 days, my son is getting married, and my daughter has a band concert.

The next few days look to be a little wet.

Friday, September 30, 2011

It's like torture with a scoop of ridiculous on top

So, I started running.

I know, you’re impressed. Me too.

It’s been a little over a month and I can now run an entire 5K distance on the treadmill without dying or making sounds that make other people think I’m dying. (Yeah, yeah, the treadmill, my loving son keeps reminding me it is NOT the same as REALLY running. My children are so tender. I wonder where they get that. Anyway, who cares? I think we can all agree that “fake” running is better than the alternative, which, in my case, is watching people run on YouTube.)

However, this is not a post about my amazing athletic abilities (though I will agree with you, my abilities are pretty impressive), this is a post about television. Specifically ESPN. And also race cars.

The other day I was at the gym (on the treadmill) and the TV was tuned to ESPN2, let it be known, ESPN2 has daytime programming like no other (which is not necessarily a compliment). I’m not familiar with the channel changing protocol at the Y, though to be honest I was a mile into my run by the time I realized what I was watching and there’s no way I’m going to get off the treadmill, change the station, and return to my run, so I ended up watching the delight that is NASCAR coverage for 40 minutes. FORTY! Who had any idea there was so much to say? It just looked like a lot of crashing into walls and tire changing to me. At one point a little bubble popped up on the screen that said Lap 271. Are they kidding? People sit at home drinking Budweiser watching these cars go around in ovals for 271+ laps?! I don’t get it.

What I really want to know is why no one is watching I Love Lucy reruns while they work out. Seriously, I could probably run through 3 or 4 episodes of Lucy and Ethel’s shenanigans and be distracted enough that I forget how much fun I’m not having. Instead I’m watching sweaty race car drivers and I can’t decide which is more agonizing, NASCAR or mile 3.

Here's my point (you didn't think I had one did you?) ~ Even if I thought driving fast cars was a sport, and I don't, watching people who are more physically fit than I am while I'm trying to get physically fit is not my idea of a good time.


Thursday, September 29, 2011

Pizza day ain't what it used to be.

Thinking about where my food comes from is like sitting down to figure out the budget; it gives me a stomach ache, so I don’t do it very often. Thinking about what my kids are eating is even worse. I just finished Lunch Wars by Amy Kalafa about school lunch programs in America, and now I'm on the lookout for 10 acres of fertile land where I can grow all of the food my family eats. 


Lunch Wars is very interesting, when I say interesting I mean there were a couple of times when I had flashbacks of reading The Jungle my sophomore year in high school and my vow to never eat hot dogs again. (What? You didn’t spend your weekends reading books about the meat packing industry for fun when you where 14? I suppose you spent your free time trying out new hairdos? Whatever.)

I’ve been concerned for quite some time about the lunches at school so it wasn’t a surprise to me that what’s offered in the cafeteria is not gourmet or highly nutritious, in fact I try to get my kids to pack a lunch as often as I can, but there were a lot of things about school lunch programs that I was not aware of, or just hadn’t thought about before. Kalafa explains in detail what our kids are being offered at school (it's worse than I thought), how those decisions are made and what we can do as parents to make changes at a local level. It’s super thorough and informative, great in a lot of ways, and a little overwhelming. Okay, really overwhelming.

In my ideal world everything having to do with school would be based on what’s best for the children. In the real world, when I send my kids to out the door in the morning it’s a crap shoot; from teachers who don’t have the tools (and often the patience) to teach effectively, social pressure from other kids who have different standards or who are just jerks, to not only having access to junk food, but actually having the school sell it to them. How do you even know where to start trying to exact changes?

I appreciate what the author is trying to do. Really. I’m glad someone has time to make a full time job of championing this cause and if you have kids who eat at school I'd recommend reading this book, if for no other reason so you can have a better understanding of what's for lunch and how the system works. For me, right now, I'll keep talking to my kids about trying to make healthy choices and keep looking for that compound in the woods where we can escape from the world and it’s additives.

*BlogHer Book Club paid me to write this review, but the opinions are all mine.

Friday, September 23, 2011

I see London, I see France....

Just when I thought I was getting used to the idea of my son getting married it was time for the bridal shower. Holy heck!  At the end of my life, when the list of my 10 most awkward moments is read (and you know it will be), sitting two chairs away while my future daughter-in-law opened lingerie will be in the top 3. (I’m a dork, the thought just popped into to my head that I need to pick a team, either use numerals or spell the words, don’t mix and match, but, because I’m a dorky rebel, I’m leaving it just like it is, and adding this stupid stream of thought as a bonus. You are so welcome.)


Anyway, the bridal shower….This probably sounds na├»ve, but I was caught completely off guard by my reaction. I really hadn’t even thought at all about the fact that I was going to a party where it was likely underwear would be tossed around, the kind of underwear that means sex. Not just sex, but that my kid, my BABY, is going to be…….

I can’t even type it. Sweat was literally streaming from my armpits. (That’s quite the visual, eh? One woman looking at her pretty new things while 2 chairs away another woman is spraying sweat on anyone in her immediate vicinity. Someone should write a skit about me for SNL.)

How did it come to this?

I have 4 sons. FOUR!  This is not my last bridal shower. People should warn you about stuff like this when you start having kids. “Um, excuse me ma’am, some day this boy is going to grow up and meet a lovely girl, you will probably even like her. That girl will rip your boy away from you and wear get ups she got from Victoria’s Secret and from then on you will only see him at Sunday dinner twice a month for the rest of your life. There is nothing you can do to stop this.”

Childless people are probably aware of this. It’s the secret no one tells.

What has been the hardest thing for you to digest as your children have grown up? 

Monday, September 19, 2011

Believe it or not

I don't like thrift stores. They smell bad. No bargain is worth enduring the smell for an hour of rooting through other people's discards.

I don't like Cafe Rio. There. I said it, what are you going to do about it?

I've never been to Anthropologie. I can drive, I could have gone anytime I wanted, I've just haven't ever wanted to that badly.

I don't eat curry. I've never even tried it. The color is off putting.

I didn't go to Target for their Missoni debut. I like Missoni but as soon as something becomes trendy and widely available it's dead to me. I don't know why. Mostly likely a character flaw.

Sometimes I'm cranky for no apparent reason.

I have lived in Arizona for 20 years and never been to the Grand Canyon. I'm afraid one of my children will fall in. True story.


*linking to Heather of the EO's just write feature today. 


Friday, September 16, 2011

A few things I've seen around and don't understand....

That's right, action figures that hunt. Cool? I think not.
And he's versatile, not only can he aim a rifle, but he can use a bow too. 
He comes with little trophy antlers. 
I don't even know what to say.

Here we have the latest offerings in luxury toilet seats. It's the Intelliseat Bidet,
an electronic seat with features like, "Adjustable water pressure, feminine wash, endless warm water, and a remote control." Apparently they're all the rage. I saw them at Costco. 
Really Costco, remote control toilet seats? What next, giant buckets of cookie dough?
Honestly, if you click on only one link from this post, make it this one

Gummy Vitamins....VitaCraves even.....for ADULTS. Seriously? 
Gummy vitamins for grown ups? Hmmm.
And finally, the dancing hamsters are back. 
I don't think I can take it. Hamsters should NOT wear pants. 
It's so very unflattering. 

Monday, September 12, 2011

Cock-a-doodle-do

Almost every morning I have to trick myself out of bed by promising me a “rest” later in the day.

I say (not out loud of course) “Just get up now, and later, after the kids have gone to school, you can take a little nap.” For some reason my self is so gullible that I end up out of bed before 5:30 every morning, even though I haven’t taken a nap since 1973. What a sucker I am. 

What I’m trying to say here is, I AM TIRED YA’LL!!

And it’s only Monday.  This does not bode well for the rest of the week.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Step right up

I'm taking a poll. 
Yesterday I ordered one of these hilarious shirts for myself. 

When I find something that I deem exceptionally clever I can't help it, I want to tell others about it. 
I'm a giver. 
Imagine my horror when, after telling a couple of people about my awesome new shirt, I found out they didn't get it. No, seriously, take a second and imagine it. Thank you.

Gasp!!

So, here is my question~

*The shirt is yesterday's from shirtwoot. What? You don't know about shirtwoot? You people REALLY have to get out more.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

Deep thoughts by.......me

Sometimes my dreams annoy me. Last night I chased something, or someone, all night. I woke up even more exhausted than usual. Why can't I ever dream about taking a nap?

There are people who do big things and people who do little things. Are the people who do little things less important? Could the people who do all those big things get anything done without the doers of little things?

I’ve heard that little girls and kittens are a match made in Heaven. But I think that depends on who you ask, the little girls, or the kittens.

This morning there I was offered a Groupon for eyelash extensions. The e-mail said that eyelash extensions offer protection from "dust particles, pollution, and hours of uninterrupted direct eye contact".  I'm intrigued. Not enough to pay even the Groupon price of $69.00 to have my own eyelashes extended, but curious none the less.  

Friday, September 2, 2011

Not that this will come as a surprise to most of you.....

It turns out I might be a villain.

The other day my brother called and asked me if I’d started making my super hero costume. At first I laughed, but then I realized……I do in fact have a super power, I tell people all the time, sarcasm is my super power. I have the ability to offend mother-in-laws in a single bound.

It’s true. I’ve done it more times than I can count.

We started talking about costumes and mottos (because we are grown ups for sure) and soon I became quite intoxicated with the idea of being a caped crusader.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Um, excuse me Sue, isn’t your son’s wedding date just barely a month away? Don’t you have better things to do with your time, like calculate the amount of chicken salad required to make croisandwiches for 100+ guests?” And to you I say, “You betcha! And just as soon as I iron out all of these super hero details I will get right on that.” (In the meantime, if guestamating chicken salad amounts is your super power, would you mind terribly leaving the quantity and a recipe in the comment section? Thanks!)

The first thing I did was get out my thesaurus. Natch.

Funny side note~ A few years ago I was given a generous gift card to Barnes and Noble which I decided to use to make a practical purchase ~ an expensive thesaurus. What could be more practical than a timeless resource book? Apparently in my fervent rush to have all those words at my fingertips I failed to remember one minor detail, the internet. I have used my behemoth book of words about 3 times.

Anyway, like I was saying, I got out my thesaurus so I could find another word for sarcasm; if I’m going to be a super hero I want a name that will stand the test of time. Something clever that will showcase my power.

I was quite shocked to find that my expensive resource book does not think so highly of my gift. In fact, here are a few of the synonyms suggested ~ ironic, contemptuous, sneering, trenchant (which I had to look up and means deliberately hurtful, ouch!), acerbic, and smart-alecky (ok, maybe that one fits).

I decided to give wit a try. Much better. Astute, shrewd, sagacity (profound knowledge and understanding, coupled with foresight and good judgement). Super Sagacity!! I like it.

Then I started thinking that maybe obvious is the way to go, like Batman, or Spiderman. Those guys didn’t go crazy thinking up things like Arachniasapien; they just went with the first thing that popped into their heads. If it’s good enough for the Hulk, it’s good enough for me.

 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Wit Woman!!


What's your super power?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

And now a bunch of nothing. Ta-Da!!

Lions and tigers and hurricanes, oh MY! I was verily captivated by all of the hurricane coverage last week. I'd like to say the reason for my concern was that I have family members who live in the storm's path, but the truth is, I'm jealous, we don't get a lot of weather out here. I mean sure, we have our Haboobs, but, and you're probably going to find this hard to believe, I'd trade all that blowing dust and zero visibility for a semi-exciting rain storm every now and again.


Why don't people use the word behemoth more often? It's a great word. I, for one, am going to start trying to work it into conversation at least once a week.  Please try not to be intimidated by my lofty goals.

Our Target is being remodeled and it's driving me nuts. I can't find anything. Even when I have a list I end up getting so disoriented that I leave without half of the things I need. It's awful.  AwFUL!

I read Rules of Civility and wrote a review. The review is here, but I have to tell you, the review doesn't really do it justice. I liked this book a lot, for reasons I wasn't entirely able to put my finger on (hence the sucky review..sorry Amor Towles). You should read it.

If you didn't watch all the recommended video clips that show up after you watch the super hero video from yesterday, you're missing out. Lori, there's one that shows some of their names, and they are AWESOME!
I think my favorite is the guy whose "name" is Super Hero, he has an SH on his chest and a really cool car.
There's a website too. The Real Life Super Hero Project Very interesting.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

And there you have it.....

This morning my son gave me this synopsis of The French and Indian War that he allegedly learned in his American History class.

 “The French were trading the Indians stuff like pots for all of their fur. Then the British came along and wanted to be fur sellers. But the French people liked the Wal-Mart prices they had been paying so they teamed up with the Indians to fight the Brits. We haven’t finished the chapter yet so I don’t know who won but I’m guessing not the Indians.” 

I don’t even know what to say. Public education is an amazing thing. Truly.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Just another dumb cat story

Do you guys remember a little while ago when I told you about my husband the cat lady and how we were being overrun by cats and how only one of those cats was even tolerable to me, thanks to her crotchetiness and unwillingness to suffer those “other” cats and their antics? 

Maybe not. It’s a lot to remember.

 Welllllll……Last Sunday morning I woke up and found one of our back doors open, which in itself is an AWESOME thing as it allowed us to swap a whole bunch of our icky expensive cold air for some delightfully free warm air. Apparently one of our children had not latched the door properly and it had opened on its own sometime during the night. At first I was a little annoyed about the air exchange, until I realized that some of our cats had taken advantage of the situation and escaped. Whee! 

They came back.

 Who says cats are stupid?

 But then......

Our old crotchety cat is in the habit of hiding under beds and coming out only under the cover of darkness to take her meals then promptly returning, it never even occurred to me that she might have slipped out when she had the chance. Besides, the couple of times she has gone out she’s quickly realized that it’s an oven out there and come right back in.

 Around Wednesday I realized I hadn’t seen her for a few days so we did a casual search which turned up nothing but some giant lint balls and that one thing somebody has been looking for since February. I still didn’t worry too much because I figured she was just sick of us and our “here kitty kitty” and she’d found a good place to hide. Cats are sarcastic like that.

 By Friday I was getting a little worried. We still hadn’t seen her and people were placing bets on where we were going to find her corpse. Saturday morning I called her bluff and made everyone thoroughly clean EVERYTHING. Still no sign of her. Weird.

I figured that even though we didn’t see her, we also didn’t smell her so the news couldn’t be too bad.........I realize this is making me sound like one heck of a prize winning compassionate pet owner, look away if you must.......Of all our cats she’s my favorite, but I’m a dog person, if you know what I mean.

Any who......

 Sunday evening we were eating dinner when someone shouted “LOOK!! It’s Tiger!” Sure enough she was standing outside our back door. When we opened it to let her in she ran off and we had to lure her out from under our neighbor’s shed with some tasty dry cat food. For the life of me I can’t figure why she even came to the door if she was just going to run off again. Cats.

 She’d lost weight, I’d guess how much but that would mean pretending that I had any idea how much she weighed to begin with and also MATH, so let's just say, some. She’d lost SOME weight. A lot for a cat. 

She acted weird for a couple of days, and one or two of our kids suggested taking her to the vet and having her put down as it seemed unlikely she would ever be the same after being outside for a whole week (my kids would be shocked if they heard about the lifestyle of those crazy “farm cats” who live outside ALWAYS), I think they were just trying to get revenge because they had to clean under their beds during our “search party” because this cat has never been one of those cats who likes to fetch, if you know what I mean. Her half starved heat stroked self is not a whole lot different from her hide under the bed and hiss if you leave the lights on too long self. She seems to be pretty much back to "normal".

Anyway, I said all that to say this, our cat went missing and we thought she was dead, then she showed up again and it’s possible she’s a zombie cat who will never die because zombies are already dead, right?

Cats are awesome.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Nothing good can possibly come from educating the children.

Last night I woke up 3 times drenched in worry and sweat that I’ve failed as a mother because I can’t remember how to multiply mixed numbers.

It’s pretty shocking, considering how often I have a need to work with mixed numbers, which is NEVER! People- we should not be mixing our numbers! It will lead our youth to anarchy and quite possibly a wide range of nervous conditions. I, for one, am not afraid to stand up and say that I am against math in all it’s ugly forms. So there.

I hate school. It’s only been back in session for a week and it’s killing me. I hate carpools and homework and school lunches and MATH (I so super hate the math). You’re probably not going to believe this but all of those things in their individual forms give me anxiety-- you cannot even imagine the amount of stress they cause me combined. (I can hear my brother slapping his forehead right now and saying something like “For crying out loud! Get over it already!!”…for the record, young man, that is not very compassionate.)

You know what I don’t hate? This shirt I bought my son which he wore on the first day of school~


I can’t help it, I think it’s hilarious. Hi-lar-i-ous!!

I didn’t hate back to school shopping with my son. It was fun, especially the part where the 10 year old girl who works at PacSun called me honey. It was cute.

Back to school shopping with my daughter was a different story (and thus goes my life). We went to Forever 21. For years now I’ve been trying to figure out what they mean by FOREVER 21, I think I’ve figured it out, it’s the physical measurement of the person who all of their clothes are supposed to fit. It’s not forever 21, the age, it’s forever 21, like your waist in 7th grade. Also, that little trick of theirs where they play annoying music really loudly while your daughter points out all of the tiny clothes she loves that confuse you because they look just like the clothes you wore in 1985 and soon the room is spinning and you think you’re having a flashback but really it’s just a tactic to make you say “Yes! Yes, I will buy you that whole stack to cheap jewelry and the puffy mini skirt and cut up sweatshirt ala Madonna’s Holiday video can we just get the heck out of here?!!” I could do without that.


I vote for longer vacations. Can I get an Amen?

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Your day is about to get GREAT!

I noticed the other day that the document where I keep my rough drafts for this blog is 48 pages long.

48 pages of unfinished thoughts, stupid observations, and topics I wanted to, at one time or another, write a post about. Some of it's old, like from the last election 4 years ago old, and some of its not fit for human consumption yet, some of it, I'm afraid, never will be. There's a little bit of good stuff mixed with a whole lotta junk.

Anyway, I've got to clean that thing out. I can't even see the bottom of it (I'm kidding, if I scroll down for an hour I CAN see the bottom. Must we always be so literal?).  I hate to just delete everything, so, I've decided, on days that I don't have anything else to say I'm going to start purging some of it. Like a garage sale. Except you don't have to pay me. Yay! Free stuff!!

I really am a dork.

Here you go, 3 things I probably should have just gotten rid of.  You're welcome.

~~~~~
I work from home. My desk sits at a window that faces the front door. I can see out, but those who come knocking cannot see in and therefore do not realize I am sizing them up, deciding if they are worth my time. It’s harsh but true. My time is valuable.

Already this week I have ignored some Jehovah’s Witness’s, a roof “inspector”, and some guy with a clip board.
~~~~~~
Here is a list of places, all with very good reasons, that I do not take my children-

1.       The Circus-It smells bad and the animals are not treated well.
2.       Fairs of any kind-They’re run by carnies
3.       Hot Topic-It’s run by carnies
4.       Peter Piper/Amazing Jakes/Bounce-a-roo….. any place where they give you tokens with your pizza-----Chaos+Me+=Panic
5.       Swimming in rivers or lakes-slime underfoot and living things in the water
6.       Bowling Alleys-Sweat and who knows what all kind of icky stuff left behind. 
~~~~~~
I hate that little Skype popup that always tells me who’s online. Do you guys get that? As soon as I see it I think, “Ugh, I wonder if their going to Skype me?” Or if it’s someone I want to talk to I think “Hey! Maybe they’ll Skype me!” Then after about 10 or 3 minutes my insecurities go to work and I start wondering “Why aren’t the Skypeing me? What’s wrong with ME?” I’m pretty sure the answer to that question is that I’m a loon.



Friday, August 12, 2011

I can’t be a paragon of self-control EVERY day

I’m blaming PMS, though that might be stretching the definition as I am an oldish woman with only one ovary. (Was that more than you wanted to know? Oops!)

Yesterday evening I had a small package to mail. Correction- I had the contents of a small package to mail. It was getting late, so I ran to the post office to use one of their flat rate boxes and the “Self-Service” mailing station. (You know, that scale thingy that spits out the correct postage after it weighs your stuff and you answer 10 questions about your package that range from “Are you trying to send jello across state lines, because that is discouraged?” to “Would you like insurance for this package? Really? Because sometimes we lose/damage/eat stuff. Now would you like some insurance?”

For some reason (my money is on laziness) the mailing center is never fully stocked, a detail I seem to forget every time, luckily there was one box left in the size I needed. The item I was mailing was just a little too small, but there was a stamp collecting brochure lying there and I was able to rip out a couple of pages and wad them up for filler (You don’t imagine that’s a federal offense do you? Who are they trying to kid anyway, no one collects stamps anymore. Do they? Is there an app for that?)

One of the questions the nice machine asks is if you are using one of their boxes, then it asks you which one, then it spits out a postage “stamp” that is so big it covers one entire side of the box you just told it you were using and you’re supposed to figure out how to fit it on the package and still leave a clue to WHERE the box needs to be delivered. WHY does the robot ask WHICH box you are using if it is going to print a sticker that is too big for that box? WHY??????

I looked at the giant sticker and at my little box and I’m sorry to have to tell you this, I snapped just a little. I slapped the sticker on the back side of the box and wrote a note on the front side in the tiny space that says “Place Postage Here”. Then I realized that writing mean notes to the mailman is kind of like insulting your waiter and since the package contained a birthday gift I would hate for it to get spat upon so I tried to play off my mean note like it was a joke by drawing a smiley face next to it but if your birthday is next week you might want to use gloves when handling your mail.  Just sayin’. It’s the thought that counts, right?

Monday, August 8, 2011

Monday? Already?!

Over the weekend, at Costco, I saw a guy asleep on one of their display sofas. It’s true.

This was no, “My wife won’t quit shopping so I’m gonna sit down here and rest my eyes for a minute.” He was out. It was “My tummy is full from my brunch o’samples and I’m going to take a nap yo!”

It made me laugh.

I went to Girls Camp last week, school starts this week, and my son is still getting married, all of this leaves me with lots to tell you, but as usual I’m overwhelmed and understaffed, so you’ll have to bear with me.

Friday, July 29, 2011

One must have priorities

I'm going to Girl's Camp on Monday and I have a million things to do before I leave, I put my time to good use by assembling my August calendar, then blogging about it. Natch.
It's sorta pathetic looking. 
Get yours here.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

All things considered, there are worse habits

My husband came home for the weekend. While I was telling him about my week he interrupted to say that he thinks I’m swearing more than I used to. I told him that my swear level fluctuates depending on several contributing factors, not the least of which is having my husband live in another town for the better part of the last 30 days.

Then he said he likes it when I swear. It’s sexy.

He’s going to be out of town for two more weeks. I should be sexy like a pirate by the time he gets back.

 
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