Monday, August 30, 2010

I'm awesome...ish

Once in a while I do something that those on "the outside" might call foolish, especially for a person of my advancing decrepitcy. Those who know me, know that foolish is my middle name, and, I believe, are never surprised by my bottomless courage.

All three of my brothers and one sister-in-law compete in these crazy Adventure Races. They have a team and everything. With shirts. (click here to read more about the races, and here to read more about the team) Think The Amazing Race, with more sweat and less Frequent Flyer Miles. A couple of months ago they invited me to race with them, and because I’m completely unrealistic about the limits of my physicality, I said “Heck yes, I would love to join you as you race across the super hot desert in August with my unfit self. Thanks for asking!”

Like the true athlete I wish I were I began “training”(note-this implies some knowledge of what training actually involves, so please know I use the word loosely). I rode my bike about 7 miles a day, 4 to 5 times a week, on a flat trail, before the sun came up, which was, I concluded, obviously the best way to prepare for a 3 hour race that included mountain biking (on a real mountain), map reading, and running.

You should have seen the fear on the other competitors faces when they saw me. Or maybe it was amusement, or possibly the other kind of fear; that I was going to die, or worse, kill someone else. Whatever. They looked scared to me.

Our starting point was a swimming pool in the middle of a Phoenix neighborhood; most of the race was set to take place on a nearby trail. The mountain bike portion was first and I was feeling good about things. After all, I’d been “training” on my bike, I was sure I was ready. My team mate, a friend who has raced lots of times before, volunteered to be in charge of the map reading duties. Not wanting to be a show off, I let him.

This small gesture surely saved our lives, or at the very least my dignity.

As we got going I immediately noticed that riding up and down hills on a rocky trail is a tinsy bit more difficult than what I was used to. Also, it occurred to me that my brother might not have been joking when he stressed, two weeks before the race, that I should become familiar with the gear system and “know my bike”. In fact, my brother really buys into that whole “know your bike” business. A couple of times, when I was going downhill a little faster than I felt comfortable with, he shouted (in a motivational tone), “You’re FINE! Your bike can handle this trail!”. It was clear that he didn’t understand that it wasn’t an issue of my bike being able to handle the trail, I have no doubt my bike could have easily run the race with or without me.

The second leg of the race was the “foot race” portion. Race being a relative term, by now it was 9:30 in the morning (which translates to 6 billion degrees of hotness here in the valley of the sun) and 8 miles of trail riding had been just a tich more physically taxing than my usual ride, so our team's pace was more of a quick walk. *this is where I have to tell you that my team mate, who I had initially worried might not be a good match for me personality-wise(you know how I can be), turned out to be so patient and upbeat I almost added him to my valentines list.*

When it was all over my team mate and I ended up placing 3rd in the co-ed division (out of 6 co-ed teams) and 9th over all (out of 16 teams). I had started the day with 3 goals- not to throw-up, not to be last, and not to die. I’m happy to report I achieved all 3 (though it was touch and go on the whole death thing a few times) and I look forward to racing again.

Just as soon as I learn how to read a map.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Got a sec?

Tell me, am I clinging too tightly to my youth by wearing orange Vans?
Also, do my ankles look fat to you?
Maybe it's the shoes.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

There are many things in the universe that I do not understand.

There are many more at Target.

This~Of course. I'll take 2.
This~ Wha..?! Cornflakes? Really? In your chocolate?

Saturday, August 21, 2010

It's not even my birthday or anything.

I'm the only one home today and I've planned the best day EVER, I'm going to clean the house my way ("Hello santized bathrooms, it's been so long since we've seen one another, you look hot!") while listening to whatever music I want, as loud as I want ("Good Morning Immaculate Collection Cleaning Mix. Hey, don't listen to those grumpy teenagers, you are NOT lame, not even a little bit. And yes, yes I do think Shania Twain and The Pet Shop Boys belong on the same mix. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're motivating, that's the whole point"), then I'm going to go buy my son some pants ("Nice to see you mall without my children, no thanks Hot Topic, I don't believe I need any of your inappropriate t-shirts today, thanks for asking") then I will come back to my nice silent (and sparkly clean) house and watch the next to episodes of Mad Med that were so kindly recorded for me by someone who lives in the future where such things are possible ("Afternoon Don Draper! You are making me a little sad this season. Sadder than usual. Poor guy, also, you should take those kids from Betty, she's a nutter.").

Don't be jealous of my exciting life.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Not the promised "catch up", but better than nothing...


So, here's the deal. My son is in the MTC in Provo learning Spanish before he goes to Columbia, and I've been writing to him everyday, which means I've been using up all my cleverness in those letters leaving nothing for the old blog. What can I say? There's a limit to my wit. Who knew? I have a couple of posts started, but between life and whatnot, I haven't had time to bring them to the blogtastic standard I prefer things to be when I present them here. I'll try to step it up.

In the meantime, have you heard? John Mellencamp has a new album and it's kind of awful. He sounds like a really old man. It's painful. Sometimes it's better to just go away quietly. Ya know?  Also, I read today that Lindsay Lohan might get out of Rehab early. They say she's not as bad off as they thought, I don't know Lindsay personally and I'm not sure who they are, but I'm having a hard time buying that. And there's this, finally, a guide to selecting a good watermelon. I could've used it in July, but better late than never, eh?

Last but not least, what the heck is Foursquare? Anyone?

Monday, August 16, 2010

I'm still here....

...I know it's been almost 2 weeks since I've written anything, but it's not because I haven't had anything to write about, just no time to write it. I'm going to catch up this week.


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Dear Bank Where My Husband Keeps His Half of Our Money,

Your drive-thru thing-a-ma-giggys are too low.

Also, I'm getting the idea you have something against coins.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Yours annoyedly,
The lady who looks like she's going to fall on her head because she has to lean all the way out her window when she goes to the bank for her husband