Friday, December 31, 2010

Obligatory Year in Review Post

Unless I'm mistaken there is some kind of narcissistic internet law that says something like "Hear ye! Hear ye! All who blog, the last week of December shall be set aside now and forevermore as a time of yearly review. Now go forth and annoy the masses." That being the case, and also me not having the energy to put enough thoughts together to write a real post, I give you........

2010~Another Year of Self Reflection
(Though all indications indicate the reflecting device was sortof like one of those circus mirrors.)

In January I decided I had too much free time (and too little mental stability) so I started coaching my daughter's soccer team. Boy that was fun.

In February I learned that some people don't find sharp wittedness to be a virtue, in fact, some of those people are even allowed, gasp!, to teach Sunday School.

In March I was just so dang funny that you should re-read the whole month (don't act like you have something better to do), I was able to set soccer aside for a few weeks and become completely obsessed with March Madness and James's Seize the Bacon Challenge (which I, so sadly, did NOT win).

In April my brain almost exploded. It probably had nothing to do with losing the Bacon Challenge, but we'll never know for sure.

In May I was STILL talking about soccer. Holy Cow, I do go on.

In June and July I was mostly just hot and cranky. Who wants to read that again? NOT ME! But in August....I used my super human craziness to enter and compete in an adventure race. It was really amazing, mostly because I did not die.

Nothing much happened in September, besides my son bringing these home. The fish lived just about as long as I thought it would, but hey, at least we still have the cup and, with it, the ability to rock on everytime we drink a glass of water.

In October my homegirls and I used massive amounts of hairspray to transform ourselves into Charlie's Angels for Halloween.  It was awesome and dangerous. Also, I learned that there is A LOT of hot sauce in my refrigerator.

In November my husband taught me a lesson about gift giving. He thinks he's so smart.

Whew! That was enlightening and exhausting.  If I believed everything I wrote I might start to think I was a little impulsive, obsessive, and and maybe even a tiny bit insane.  Thankfully, at least my expectations are realistic.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Jack Frost Nipping at Your Nose.....

Are you listening to Christmas music all day? You should be. I find I'm so much more festive when I remember to turn on the holiday tunes. Since it tis the season I thought I'd share my playlist then you too can feel all jolly and junk.

1. Bing Crosby-White Christmas is the awesomest of the classics.  Awe-some-est. 
2. Diana Krall-If you aren't listening to Diana Krall all year long you're totally missing out. (Naturally I'm not suggesting you listen to the Christmas album all year, she offers plenty of regular stuff for January through November.) You're welcome.
3. Glee-I hesitate to admit it, I have never seen an episode of Glee, it's true....and complicated...get over it. I have. Through a seasonal miracle the Glee Christmas Album has found it's way onto my Rhapsody account and I could not be happier. The whole thing is fab and sparkly.
4. Elf-In addition to being one of the funniest Christmas movies EVER (Son of a nutcracker!) the soundtrack rocks!
5. A Very Special Christmas Volume 1- Christmas in Hollis, need I say more?
6. Band-Aid- No Christmas playlist is complete without it.
Go forth and mix it up. Get yourself some festive music while it's hot......or cold........ you know, depending on where you live.

What are you listening to?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

It's as if the entire world has gone mad~

The Arizona Legislature has passed a measure requiring all school districts in the state to review the current recess practice and consider adopting structured recess time.

Are they kidding? STRUCTURED RECESS? If it’s structured how is it recess? Doesn't the word recess mean break? I know, lets look it up…..

re•cess rɪˈsɛs,ˈri sɛs–noun
1. Temporary withdrawal or cessation from the usual work or activity.

So, there you have it. Cessation from work or activity. I’m betting you ask a bunch of kids if they consider structured recess a withdrawal from work you’re gonna hear a whole lotta NO’s.

If you're wondering, my children are not being saddled with excessive amounts of free time during their day at school.  They get two 15 minute recesses and some free time during lunch.

Sidenote~I am soo in the wrong line of work, the school board estimates that it will cost $600,000 the first year to implement a structured recess program, and after that an addtional $400,000 each year to maintain it. The website does not mention where they are keeping the magic hat they plan to pull these funds from.  

Also, school board, you are so very sly, having your little "chat session" the week before Christmas Break when we parents have concerts and who knows what all else to attend. This evening I will enjoying the melodic strains of the elementary band's holiday performance, but make no mistake, I WILL be sharing my comments on your website. I might even send you a letter. On paper. In the mail. Christmas letters might not be my thing, but you try and wreck recess and I have plenty to say.

You can comment too. Go HERE.

Monday, December 13, 2010

I thought you’d want to know~

I finished our Christmas cards yesterday. I even sucked it up and wrote a letter. My heart wasn’t in it but it’s done and that’s what counts. So there!

I doubt if my granny will be able to tell that it was written under duress. My husband and children all have strong opinions as to what should and should not be included in the letter. (Shouldmade up stories of super hero type adventures and how it is unfair how many times a certain someone has had to clean the bathroom this year {apparently this person is hoping the extended family will weigh in and his/her chore load will be lighter in the future. As if.} Shouldn’tany and all mention of girlfriends or liking girls in general. And there is to be absolutely no talk of growth spurts.) Of course none of them wants to write the letter. They just want to tell the little red hen how to do it.

I showed them. I wrote a really boring letter. No humor, no drama, just the facts. How’s that for Christmas spirit? Bah!!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

For Alexia

Soap Poisoning

It could happen to you.

Friday, December 10, 2010

and a partridge in a pear tree

1. Tomorrow is the last soccer game of the season. Yay!? It's been fun, but I'm tired. Ya know?

2.  I hate getting a new phone. I am technology impaired.

3.  Buying books for teenage boys is hard. I don't like it.

4. On the other hand, I really really like my new Kindle.

5.  I don't want to write a Christmas letter, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to.  It seems Guilt is my kryptonite.

6. Obligatoryness sucks.

7.  I'm almost done with my Christmas shopping. Not a moment (or dollar) too soon. 

8.  Every time I watch Parenthood I cry. I'm a dork.

9.  I just remembered 3 important things I was supposed to do today. Oops.

10. Every time I watch Psych I wish I could be as witty as Sean & Gus. Maybe if I had writers.  Why don't I have writers?

11. Little girls who are sleeping over never seem to get tired as early as I do. 7:30 is probably too soon to expect little girls to hit the sack. Maybe I should start having old lady sleepovers.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Shopping til I drop is not my superpower

*$25.00 gift card was generously provided by BlogHer and HomeGoods.

I’m not the power shopper I used to be. Back in the glory days of my big haired youth I could go for days without food, water, and comfortable shoes. These days I prefer to have a list, get what I need and get back home. The next couple of weeks will probably have me doing more shopping than I've done all the rest of the year so far and I’m none too happy about it. I prefer to stay in my pajamas and shop online, or make gifts for my friends and family out of things that are lying around the house, like pipe cleaners and coffee filters.

Since it’s Christmastime and inevitable that I’m going to have to shop, at least a little, on Black Friday I try to knock out a good portion of my gift list (and if I’m lucky someone will try to cut in line and I’ll get to knock them out too. ~Just kidding Mom! I haven’t knocked anyone out since 1983 when I rode my bike into that ditch and gave myself a concussion~).

Last week I was lucky enough to receive a $25.00 gift card to spend at HomeGoods. I was also lucky enough to have not even started my holiday shopping….so…..cha-ching!! I added HomeGoods to my list of places we would hit Friday.

I have to admit, things looked a little shaky at first.

I considered this little beauty; she seems to be saying, “I am the white elephant gift you have been searching for.”  Mesmerizing, isn't she?

These fellas would have been an excellent addition to my sparkly virgin display, except my husband wouldn’t let me buy the sparkly virgin (Something about sacrilege and bad taste. Some people, sheesh!).
And well, what can you say about Reindeerville?
It was looking bleak, then I came to the candles. “Hey,” I said to myself (and my husband and my son) “if I were a teacher I’d rather have a candle than another mug that says “an apple a day gets the student an A”” Teacher gifts done! Around the corner I found this great Santa plate thingy, which I bought for…..me! Yay!!
As luck would have it, our HomeGoods store is connected to TJMaxx as long as we were there I thought, “What the heck? Might as well have a look.” That’s when I found this great purse…also for …….me! What? I’ll have you know Friday was my BIRTHDAY! If you can’t buy yourself a new handbag when your birthday falls on Black Friday when can you?
On the way out we picked up these sets of wooden puzzle games which I’m very excited about giving to…someone.
No, I don't consider myself an impulse shopper, why do you ask?
In the end I spent just a tch more than my $25.00 gift card, but HomeGoods gave us these giant shopping bags for FREE, so it all worked out.

Thanks BlogHer and Homegoods!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Just when I think I'm ready to rule the universe I find out I DON'T know everything.

Our daughter wants an American Girl doll for Christmas. Normally I don’t go in for nonsense like dolls that cost millions of dollars just because they can, but this is the third year in a row she’s asked for one and soon she won’t want dolls at all anymore. Before we know it she’ll be asking for cell phones and cars and wedding dresses, and then, HOLY CRAP!!, it’ll be time to lock her away in that special room under the house where no boy can ever break her heart and Valerie Bertinelli will play me in a Lifetime movie about a woman who only wanted to keep her little girl safe from the big bad world……

In an effort to hang on to her innocence and my sanity (ha! As if!!), I thought now would be just as good a time as any to beat up my inner cheapskate and buy the stupid doll.

The other night after she was in bed I got my hands on the ratty catalog she’s been drooling over for six months and found that the doll she's circled looks nothing like her. What? Isn’t half the fun of the American Girl doll that it’s made in your image (the other half being the knowledge that your parents once loved you enough to spend an extra $50.00 so you and your doll could have matching Christmas dresses)? My husband and I talked about it, and I told him that I’m going to get her a different doll, one that looks more like her, because she doesn’t realize it now, but she will be so much happier when she gets a baby who looks just like her. Then he asked me why I couldn’t just get people what they want for Christmas and he brought up some imaginary time when his mother asked for something specific but I wouldn’t get it because I had a better idea. I think he’s making the whole thing up, because I don’t remember that at ALL and I why would I do something like that? It’s just mean. But if it did happen, and I'm not saying it did, I’m sure it was because I had a BETTER IDEA. Duh.

Which brings me to this~

No, your eyes are not deceiving you; it is exactly what it looks like.

A pewter bubble wand.  It's a birthday gift from my husband. A perfectly fine birthday gift, but one that he admits he knew would be more exciting for him than for me. My birthday isn’t until Friday but he couldn’t wait, he gave it to me early. You can surely see how the anticipation of giving such a gift would be overwhelming. I suspected I might be getting a bubble wand. Not because I spend a lot of time blowing bubbles or because all of my friends have one and I had mentioned it might be fun to have one of my own, not even because I'm a sneaky sneak, but because my husband forgot to log out of his Amazon account and I saw that he had been looking at them.

You guys, it was just like the year when I was 14 and I peeked at all of my Christmas gifts and my mom had gotten me a whole bunch of pink clothes. There were pink corduroys and a pink button down oxford and a pink crew neck sweater, all things that I wanted, just in colors like Kelly green and navy blue. I mean, for the love of Jr. High, a girl cannot go around the 8th grade all wrapped in pink and come out on the other side in one piece, also, I’ve never really been a pink girl. Sadly, that has never stopped my mom from buying me pink stuff. That year as I opened each gift, already knowing what was inside, it took every drop of acting skill I possess (which is about 1 ½ drops) to pretend to be excited. It was déjà vu all over again when my husband gave me the bubble wand. Maybe worse.

Later he told me that he knew that I wouldn’t love it, but he thinks it’s a nifty thing and wanted me to have one.

Then he asked me if I wanted my other present.

Other present? Hmm.

Normally I would have been all over a second gift, but I was I little worried. What if it was a jug of designer bubbles? I wasn’t sure I could muster up any more fake joy this soon so I told him we should wait until my actual birthday, but he was on a roll and wouldn’t hear of it.

I’m a tiny bit embarrassed to admit this, but I cried. Just a little. The combination of relief that I didn’t have to pretend and the excitement of getting something I really wanted were too much.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go order my daughter a doll that looks nothing like her.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

It never fails.....

I always run into something photo-worthy when I don't have my camera with me. These pictures are from my phone and they don't begin to do justice to the festiveness of this pink Chrismas tree. 
Or this~
I don't think anyone will disagree that nothing says "Happy Birthday Jesus" (except one of those cakes from Costco) like a Virgin Mary statue covered in hot pink glitter. HOT PINK GLITTER!! I really really really wish you could see this in person. (Actually, you can, if you run down to your local Borders Bookstore, because nothing says "We sell books" like a nice selection of glitter coated Virgin Mary statues.)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Is my random italics usage making anyone else dizzy?

I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed for the past couple of weeks, I’m pretty sure I’m dying of tired, so we decided to take a real day off yesterday. Yes, I said, REAL DAY OFF, you know, instead of our regular Day of Rest, which anyone with children knows is not so much restful as it is exhausting, frustrating, and l-o-n-g. (Why is it so much more work to get everyone ready for church than ready for a school day? Probably because on a school day, once they're dressed and fed they all leave, but on Sunday I have to get ready too, then sit in a pew with them while they poke, pinch, complain, and snore.)

~Also, I would like to clarify, just in case the devil is reading this (and why wouldn't he be? Hello Satan!), it was all MY idea. Me, me, me. My husband did not want to skip church and run away for the day, at one point he even said, and I quote, “This has been a nice day, even if we are going to go to hell for it.” It’s just as you’ve always suspected. I am the driving force behind all of the sin in our home.

Five minutes into our spontaneous two hour drive this conversation took place.-

N~ “Did you know they’re remaking that Tron movie?”

S~ “They aren’t remaking it.”

N~ “Yes they are.”

S~ “No, they’re not remaking it, it’s a follow-up.”

Me~ “You mean a sequel?”

S~ “Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. The guy is the son of the guy from the first movie. He thought his father had abandoned him, then somehow he finds out that his dad has been trapped in the game for all of these years so he goes in to get him.”

Me~ “Like Inception?”

Gaping blank stares.

N~ “That’s not why he goes in, after he gets in he finds out his dad is there.”

Me~ “Isn’t The Dude in Tron?”

E~ “The Dude is the dad.”

S~ “The Dude is not the dad”

N~ “The Dude abides.”

W~ “Tron is stupid.”

I could see this had the potential to turn ugly pretty fast if I didn’t intervene.

“Have I ever told you about my granny’s second husband, Bob Watson?” I asked. I spent the next hour captivating our children with stories of white leather belts, hidden liquor bottles, and false teeth. It was a Sunday worthy of a diary entry.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I know you know

1.  As much as I love real books, I'm running out of shelf space.  I'm considering a Kindle. Anyone have any suggestions? Warnings? Will the basic be enough or do I want to go big and get the one with 3G? (Do you love how I make it sound like I know anything at all about features like "3G"?)

2.  Why is Cher everywhere I turn? New album? Vegas show? Tell all book?

3.  Leno or Letterman?

4.  If you could only have one dessert on Thanksgiving what would it be?

5.  What's up with toilet paper commercials talking about getting clean? Everyone knows that's what toilet paper is for, do we really need cartoon bears to remind us? Lets just get back to focusing on soft and strong, k?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Seen at IKEA

We're having a debate at our house.  Is it a dolphin? See the spout? (Perhaps it's a teapot.) Or is it a shark? See the many sharp pointy teeth? IKEA you're killing me!

P.S. If Kurt & Anna are eliminated from DWTS tonight I'm going to be VERY annoyed. Probably not annoyed enough to stop watching but definitely annoyed enough to complain for a few days. 

Monday, November 8, 2010

You know, like a Fountain of Youth version of the Pampered Chef Party

Last week I was invited to a Microdermabrasion Party. I know! What luck!? I could hardly believe it myself. You can't go wrong when the party has the word “abrasion” on the invitation.

By way of explanation, because I’m not nearly as worldly as I seem, my friend told me she had invited a select group of suckers friends to enjoy (and pay for) an evening of pampering. The treatment, she said, is sort of like sandpapering your skin, then they do a “peel”, and viola! You can’t believe how much younger you look. “Seriously," she told me "10 years at least.”

Mostly, I’m guessing, because your old face has been abraded and peeled away, leaving a fresh “new” face behind.

I can only assume that it would have been just as much fun as it sounded, sadly, I had other plans (Thursday is the night I watch CSI) and was unable to attend. Though the idea of having my face sandblasted in the privacy of my friend’s home, with 4 or 5 other women who I’ve never met, for the jaw droppingly low price of $40.00, was extremely tempting.

My friend was hoping to get enough paying "guests" to have her face restored to its former glory for free. {“The cost is normally $100.00 for the abrasion and another $100.00 for the peel, but the “technician” is able to give us this great deal because she doesn’t have to rent an office, and she’s doing so many at once!” Bargain City!!}

I really did not know what to say to her. Fortunately, in addition to being quite the hostess, she’s one of those gals who has no problem carrying a conversation alone. I thanked her for thinking of me (because who doesn’t want to be thought of as a person who needs to have some years peeled away?), and admitted (sheepishly) that it wasn’t really my kind of thing.

Have you guys ever done anything like this? At a “party” or in a salon? Am I just a big chickeny stick in the mud? Am I missing out on the beauty treatment of my dreams?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Oh, it'll drive you crazy alright.

Believe it or not I found this while I was looking for a video of Dustin Hoffman spelling Dahlberg.
I love how Dolly has all of Disneyland dancing in protest of "The Man".

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Friday, November 5, 2010

And also, teenagers....grrr

My daughter has been home sick (and dramatic) all week. I don’t think I have to elaborate on what that has done to my mental state.

My husband, bless his heart, has gone on an over-night scout thing a ma bob, I plan to make the most of his absence by (finally) watching the last four episodes of Mad Men.

All the President’s Men is one of my favorite movies. That Dustin Hoffman is so dreamy…….I’m KIDDING. I do love when he spells Kenneth H. Dahlberg, D-A-H-L-B-E-R-G, Dahlberg.

You could film and episode of Hoarders in my laundry room. If you throw in the garage you might be looking a whole season.

I guess I should tell you, I’ve been slacking with my Couch to 5k training. And when I slack I really slack, there’s no halfway with me. You could say I’ve been spending more time couching than 5K-ing. Except that’s not entirely accurate. I’m not really spending all day on the sofa. I just can’t seem to get myself up early to run and by evening I’m just not feeling it. The fact that I have yet to develop any sort of affection for running isn’t helping either.

If you’re still reading, thank you. Though surely you have something better to do. Since you’re still here maybe you could take a minute to recommend something good to read. Thanks. Something a little David Sedaris plus Nick Hornby with a twist of Jane Austen would really hit the spot.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Tell me....

...is this something I should be eating? Chocolate covered crackers? I'm having a hard time convincing myself it would be a tasty snack.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Post-Election, um, Post

Last night I fell asleep watching election results and I missed all the coverage of concession speeches and victory parties, needless to say, this morning’s headlines were 10 kinds of surprising for me.

Two of my favorite candidates lost their battles to become servants of the public. Christine I’m Not a Crook or a Witch O’Donnell wasn’t able to pull it off a win and poor Jimmy The Rent is 2 Damn High McMillan didn’t make it either.

How could this happen?

But really who can concentrate on politics when important stuff like this is going on in the world?

Have you heard? US Weekly (a reliable source if ever there was one) is reporting that Miley Cyrus’ mom, Tish, had an affair with Bret Michaels. Bret Michaels ya'll?! If true, all I can say is, wow. Wow! I now find myself in the awkward position of feeling a little sorry for Billy Ray for reasons that don’t have anything to do with his hair.

In fragrance news (What? You don't pay attention to Fragrance News?), Taylor Swift will be launching a perfume line next year. Swift said in a statement, "I have always loved how fragrance can shape a memory, the way certain scents remind you of events and people that are imprinted in your thoughts." I’m betting her signature scent will be “smiley, with a hint of something you can’t quite put your finger on but reminds you of being annoyed”.

Finally, not a moment too soon, Lisa Rinna has had a “lip reduction” procedure and issued a warning to young girls….. "Don’t mess with your lips!” Whew. Thanks Lisa! Way to be the face of a cause.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

It's election day, you know what that means......

.....tomorrow I will get ZERO recorded phone calls trying to sway me this way or that.  WooHoo!

Monday, November 1, 2010

How The Pioneer Woman stole my husband

I have only myself to blame.

It started with a recipe.

Doesn’t it always?

It’s no secret that I’m not exactly what you would call domestic and cooking isn’t anywhere on my list of fun things to do. I know, gasp!! The horror!! I’m a pitiful excuse for a woman. First the hair, now this. It’s a wonder I ever trapped a man to begin with.

We need to eat, so I make food. Usually not fancy food. Or food with lots of ingredients. The smaller the mess the sooner I can get back to doing something important, like trying to persuade my daughter that while technically you CAN wear plaid and polka dots together, it’s not always a good idea. I’m a big fan of grilled chicken and steamed vegetables. I'm an even bigger fan of Pei Wei carry out. It’s not very imaginative, but it does the trick. I’m not Martha Stewart, or Ree Drummond. So what? I have many other fine qualities. (Why are you laughing?)

On the other hand, my husband, the Hot Sauce King, loves to cook. He’s never satisfied with a recipe; he thinks everything can be improved. That’s how we got into this mess. For YEARS I've been using the same meatloaf recipe. It’s a fine recipe. I’d even go so far as to say it’s a good recipe.

But, according to my husband, not good enough.

He just knew that somewhere there was a recipe that was just a little better. One that had that special something.

Tired of listening to him complain, I casually said, “You should check out The Pioneer Woman, I’ve never had bad luck with any of her recipes. Plus she’s a huge butter fan.” I showed him to her website and left it at that. Little did I know that my world would never be the same.

Oh, he found a meatloaf recipe all right, and a gravy recipe, a breakfast burrito recipe, a steak sandwich recipe…….Every time I passed by the office he was there, pouring over the Cowboy Cooking section, printing recipes and making shopping lists.

“She’s awesome! Did you know she burps?”

Um, ew!! And duh!! Everyone burps! Some of us just treasure our dignity more than others.

This morning I decided to bake something, when my husband noticed me in the kitchen (making one last desperate attempt to win back his heart) the first thing he asked was if these were Ree’s muffins (apparently they’re on a first name basis now). “No, America’s Test Kitchen” I answered. “Hmpf, I bet she’s got something better, I’ll go take a look”. And there he sits.

I suppose I’m just going to have to accept it.

I’m no match for a woman who makes gravy with real cream and burps.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Praise Be to the Aqua Net

My brother asked for photographs of my 70’s hair. Here they are. Sadly, these do not do justice to the true fullness of our coiffures or the baby blueness of our eyeshadow. The hair was large and, without a doubt, highly flammable, while the eyeshadow was breath taking and frosty.
The back looked better than the front. You don’t even want to know how many layers of ozone were damaged during the creation of this hair-do.  I haven’t worn this much hairspray since 1987. I think my neck is sprained from the weight of it.
I love how serious we all look, and how Karen is looking at her walkie-talkie like she’s trying to decide if this is a call she wants to take in the middle of our photo shoot, but what I love the most is how Lori looks like she was born to be a Charlie’s Angel.  She's a natural. I wonder if Charlie has any openings.
{Karen, Lori, Darcy, and Me}

*This concludes Hair Week. Join me Monday when I tell you how The Pioneer Woman stole my husband.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I don't always dress up for Halloween, but when I do, I use Aqua Net

1.  In preparation for my role tomorrow as one of Charlie's Angels I surveyed 16 year old girls and 65 year old women (the demographics I assume to have the best knowledge of these things) to find out which hairspray I should purchase to keep my Farrah feathering in place all day. Never would I have guessed that after 40 years of scientific advances in haircare my granny's old favorite would be the winner. Young and old alike agree, for all day hold, aerosol Aqua Net can't be beat.

2.  I never get tired of these commercials. Everytime I hear them on the radio I crack up. "He once taught a German Shepard to speak English."~"People hang on his every word, even the prepositions."
3.  These pictures are for Karen, because, as she stated in her comment yesterday, while short and gray might not be the look I'm going for, it looks great on most men. I could not agree more.

Monday, October 25, 2010


There is a real post coming later today, but in the meantime....hahahahaha...

Friday, October 22, 2010

Serenity Now

Every morning before I start working I read the news and check my reader. I like to make sure I'm on top of important world events, you know, celebrity divorce news, the latest fashion trends, and who got booted from Dancing with the Stars. While I'm at it I always check my own blog. You know, just in case.

In case of what I couldn't say. So far no one has broken in and posted without my knowledge. No matter how hard I've wished for them to. You'd think I could get a leprechan to stop in every now and again, I mean, it's their off season, right?

Because I am so famous and interesting, I always feel like I owe some kind of explanation when I haven't written for a while. Which is silly, the truth is I write for me and I have wanted to write, but it's been a hard week and I suck at serious. So there. With any luck I'll be back to my "charming" self on Monday.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Today's post is brought to you by the number 4.

As in, for reasons I cannot explain I woke up at 4 a.m. and was unable to go back to sleep, so naturally I spent 2 hours using my time wisely.

If I were a 10 year old boy I would TOTALLY be begging to get this rug for Christmas. Although nowadays most 10 year old boys probably would not recognize a Wampa rug if they were standing on it. It's really sort of tragic the how the youth of today takes The Force for granted.
Also, the Boba Fett backpack.....

Or C-3PO in need of repair.  

If I were looking for the perfect Christmas gift for my favorite sister (and I know you are) I'd bet she'd be down with any one of these items. But most especially the first one. It's nifty.

 If I were a cat I would find a way to have a catalog from this place sent to my home so my owners could set me up in kitty style.  And if I were a cat I'm pretty sure I could handle the requesting of a catalog, because, well, duh, cats.  They can do stuff.

*StarWars stuff found at ThinkGeek
*MadMen stuff found on Amazon
*Crazy kitty stuff found at Suncatcher

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

You know what you like about me?

I don't shy away from the important questions.

Like this-- Yesterday I'm waiting in line at the grocery story and I see~

And I said to myself, "huh?"

I want (need) to know, what in the world is she doing? I'll be honest, I don't know Oprah personally, but for some reason this cover makes me uncomfortable, it doesn't seem natural for her. I'm usually pretty good at reading a person's body language (not really) but for the life of me I cannot figure what message she's trying to send. Is she being serene? Sensual (you know, with the shoulder and all)? Is she just really tired from being the Master of the Universe for so long? Do you think Gayle put her up to it? Am I reading too much into it? Spending too much time thinking about it?

As if.

Monday, October 4, 2010


You may now install your Halloween decorations.

Friday, October 1, 2010

I could be wrong...

....but I think we have enough hot sauce.  I'm told each has it's "own" flavor and  "purpose".
I'm not necessarily convinced.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

You know he's a hit at the club

Have you seen this video? The dad is crazy for Justin Bieber. I'd love to see him throw down to some Lady Gaga!

Friday, September 24, 2010

The point of this post is that Secretariat is a really good movie.

I thought I’d spell it out, because after re-reading it I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to pick up what I was putting down. Naturally those of you who are intuitive, or who know me well, will have no problem getting the gist of things, but for those less gifted I thought I’d throw you a line.

The perks of being a famous blogger are ENDLESS.

Just ask my family. A couple of weeks ago I got an e-mail from Blogher letting me know that there were passes available to see an advanced screening of Disney’s soon to released Secretariat and because I love movies, especially movies I don’t have to spend my life savings to see, I e-mailed them right back and said “Sign me up!” .

And they did.

Last night was the big event, my husband and our 2 youngest (10 & 12) went with me. Our kids were way super impressed that MY name was on a list allowing us to enter the theater, sit in a reserved section, and see a movie 2 weeks before the rest of the world gets to (on a school night even!). It was as if I were an actual important person. I think I moved up a notch or two on the cool meter (though as soon as the 12 year old has a birthday {goodbye sweet boy, hello surly teen} I will be immediately bumped back down).

I have to admit it’s not likely that I would have ever seen this movie on my own, I usually like a little more grit, grime, and subconscious manipulation (“you know where you hope this train will take you….” ). And call me names if you want, but Disney sorta lost me when they switched from Kurt Russell to The Rock. I knew my daughter would love it, so I figured, if nothing else, at least it’s not Twilight, right?

Turns out, it was great. It’s a movie about a horse and a housewife. The conflict between being a wife and mother and being an independent woman has been on my mind lately, besides as you know I’m a sucker for a horse race; throw in John Malkovich and some 70’s fashion… DING! I was bawling like a baby 15 minutes in. This is not to say that Secretariat doesn’t have its cheesy moments, and I wish they could have made Diane Lane look a little less….old, but all in all I really did enjoy it.

I don’t think the appeal is limited to frustrated women and little girls who like horses either, my husband has never been a horse or a conflicted housewife and he liked it quite a bit (which is saying a lot, because he hates everything). Can I just say- the clothes, what were people thinking in the 70's? My kids had a hard time believing me when I told them I remembered my dad dressing like that when I was a little girl.

It’s all fun and games til you put someone’s eye out with your collar.

My family always laughs a little the first Saturday in May when I watch the Kentucky Derby, so the fact that this movie offers introduction to the fabulousness of horse racing and the Triple Crown was priceless, now if I can only find an equally watchable introduction to college basketball and March Madness, it will be just like my kids were raised in a field of bluegrass. Barefoot. Picking banjos and eating homegrown squirrel.

So, obviously, what I'm trying to say is, you should see it. Secretariat, in a theater near you, Oct. 8th.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Because my opinion is priceless

I thought you'd like to know, I read The Hunger Games this week. Yes, I know I’m the last person in the universe to do so. I wasn’t planning to read it at all, in fact I had quite decided not to read it. EVER. (I have this weird aversion to anything that everyone else is doing. As soon as a thing becomes all the rage, I’m out. It’s not logical I know, but what are you gonna do?) Anyway, it was the book for my book group this month so I decided to give it a whirl.

I’m generous that way.

I don’t think there’s any danger of me ruining the story for anyone, what with me being the last person on the planet to finally read it and all. Here’s what I thought……It was ok. I guess. You know what though, I had a really hard time getting past the whole kids brutally killing each other in an arena thing.

I’m soft that way.

(I’m waiting for the president of the We heart Hunger Games fan club on Goodreads to hunt me down and revoke my book rating privileges, “What? Only 2 stars? For this masterpiece?”)

Also I didn’t feel like it was “meaty” enough. I know it’s a young adult book (another reason I wasn’t feeling the whole “coliseum" thing) but I think that if I were going to root for Katniss and Peeta I needed to know them better. ~ Also, I kept alternating between hearing Petah, you know, with an English accent, in my head, or thinking of Peter Hatcher (brother to Farley Drexel Hatcher aka Fudge) it was distracting. (Who can figure out how my mind works? Not me, that’s for sure.) Anyway, Peeta bugged me a little bit. I’m sure a good girl is hard to find out there in District 12, especially one who hunts and gathers, but I thought he came off a little pouty. And, while Katniss is no Bella Swan (praise be! cause one Bella is one too many), I felt like there wasn’t really much depth to her either. The only one I wanted to know more about was Gale. Sadly that will not be happening, if I learned anything from those stupid Dragon Tattoo books, besides the fact that Swedish people drink a lot of coffee, it's quit while you’re ahead. Thank you very much.

I’m a quick learner that way.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A moment of silence, if you don't mind.

As you know I get all of my Mad Men secondhand, but be assured I do get it. One of my favorite things this season has been Don's new secretary. Such a delightful woman. Since I'm always running a few episodes behind the rest of the world I haven't been able to watch Sunday's yet. Imagine my sadness when I found out this afternoon that dear Mrs. Blankenship is no longer with us.

She was the best secretary Don ever had (well, besides Peggy, of course) and she will be missed. Sigh.

Monday, September 20, 2010

‘Cause we be dorks up in here

Friday morning when I heard about Jon Stewarts “Rally 4 Sanity” I fell in love with him a tiny bit more. (who knew that was even possible?)

Later my son came in and said “Did you hear about Stephen Colbert’s awesome March to Keep the Fear Alive”?

And I wept. Because sometimes, even if you’ve been a good parent, your children will turn to conservative satire no matter how many times you’ve stressed the value of outright ridicule.

In the end both the Rally and the March mock the Beckster and if my son and I can reach across the aisle toward a common goal that’s really what politics are all about, right? (well, that and the free stuff, natch)

We thought that even though we can’t go to DC on Oct. 30 (I can’t anyway, I have a long to-do list that starts with coaching soccer, then finishing up my daughter’s Fuzz Lightyear Halloween costume and ends with preparing some kind of gross holiday entrée involving cold spaghetti and peeled grapes) the restoration of sanity/desire to keep the fear alive are (is?) still very important to both of us so we should find a way to show our support. We decided the best way to do that would be to order some t-shirts. (If there's a better way to say "we feel you and agree with your message" than a t-shirt I'm not aware of it.)

We were shocked to find that there were none to be had. (dear people in charge of raking in the dough at comedy central, what up? why are there no shirts? who is in charge of marketing over there?). So we decided we would have to go to the next level, take matters into our own hands, MAKE OUR OWN!!!

In the middle of the creative process a friend stopped by, a dear friend, who is a tch more serious than I, and gallons less goofy.

She asked what we were doing. Then out of nowhere things started moving in slow motion, I realized that while my son is young and idealistic (though clearly toward the wrong ideals and an intervention is going to be required at some point) I am an old woman, who under normal circumstances possibly, probably, most likely, should be doing more mature things with her time than making propaganda t-shirts.

“We’re just makin’ some shirts for the Rally to Restore Sanity.” I whispered. Then I briefly tried to explain because she doesn’t watch The Daily Show or the Colbert Report (did you know he pretends both of the ts are silent? Dork).

“heh” she half laughed, meaning “Whoa! I gotta get out of here and go drop in on my grown up friends!”

“heh” I half laughed back meaning “Could I be any more embarrassed by my immaturity right now?”

Whatev….at the end of the day we had awesome homemade shirts. Who cares if my contemporaries think my screws are coming loose.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

leaping and bounding

Recently I’ve come across a few men wearing wigs. Bad wigs (are there good wigs, especially for men?) Wigs give me the creeps. I personally believe there are only a few occasions when wigs are appropriate for a man or a woman.

1. You have a medical condition (hereditary balding is NOT a medical condition.)
2. You are in a play.
3. It is Halloween (which is not until, say it with me, OCTOBER).

I heard of a woman once, an older wig wearing widowed woman, who remarried and spent the first few years of that marriage keeping her wig a secret.

How exhausting would that be?

Last week my son’s English class had a (“stupid”) assignment. His teacher asked them all to write about a time when they had been so self-involved that they had hurt another person’s feelings. “How am I supposed to write about something that I have absolutely NO PERSONAL experience with?” I was unable to answer his question due to the fact that I found the whole thing so hilarious, thus making me instantly eligible to write on the assigned topic. “I can’t believe you don’t even care that she’s making us do this…..”

Tomorrow I start week 3 of Couch to 5K and I still hate running. Does anyone know how many weeks until I just mildly dislike it?

Last night I dreamed that someone gave my kids a blob of frog eggs and out of them hatched a rabbit, a puppy, and a hissing lizard. No frogs. I really prefer to NOT remember my dreams.

Sometimes (like 8 or 9 times a week) my brother calls me to say “Guess whut I’m lookin at?” These calls are usually made from a Wal-Mart. Last night he called to ask me if there was ever an occasion when really really tight, really really short, white shorts should be worn with 4 inch hot pink stilettos.....at the grocery store. I was glad he added the “at the grocery store" qualifier, because obviously there are occasions for such an ensemble, but I have to agree that grocery shopping is not one of them. Later my other brother Daryl called to tell me that he had just come out of his local Wal-mart (in Virgina~ you get what you get, you know what I’m sayin?) Where he saw a bumper sticker that read “I love G.R.I.T.S” underneath, in small print, it said girls raised in the south. This man’s truck also sported one of those clever “Get in, Sit down, Hold on, and Shut up" stickers, and an Obama decal, which we concluded must have been placed there by vandals.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Does anyone know where I can get some disappearing ink?

A few days ago I was having a conversation with my brother on the phone, and I said to him, I said, "If someone wants to listen in on my phone conversations or read my e-mails let 'em. They'd be bored to tears, I've got nothing to hide, or for that matter, interesting to say."  How foolish I was, how very naive, it's not Homeland Security bugging my calls, but instead, The Daily Show.  Parts of Thursday's episode when Jon made his "Big Announcement" appear to have been lifted, directly, word for word, from our conversation! It's a sad day when you can't even ridicule the idiots of the world during a private cell phone conversation.  Or is it a great day when you're ideas end up on The Daily Show? Either way I guess I'm going to have to have a secure line installed.  Or quit my very lucrative job as a medical billing collector (I know, you envy me) and apply to be a writer for Mr. Stewart.

Here it is if you haven't already seen it. It's long, but really, do you have anything better to do? That's what I thought.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rally to Restore Sanity

Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorTea Party

Friday, September 17, 2010

A Quick Public Service Announcement

Just because Target sees fit to replace their school supply display with Lady Gaga costumes does not mean it’s time to get out your Halloween decorations.* (I’m going to tell you a secret, Target doesn’t care about appropriate decorating guidelines, they just want to SELL YOU SOMETHING. It’s irresponsible and confusing I know) This especially applies to my neighbors, trust me when I tell you that no amount of light up Jack-o-lanterns on your front porch is going to distract anyone from the fact that it is 100 degrees outside. It is possible, however, that I may risk adding to my criminal record by vandalizing your yard. (I’m kidding I don’t have a criminal record….yet.)

It’s not even October for crying out loud. Put your pumpkins back in the garage for a couple of weeks.

Thank you. You may now return to your regularly scheduled weekend.

* Alyson is of course exempt from this rant because she lives in New England and truly carries the spirit of Jack Skellington in her heart all year long.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Ghee Buttersnaps!!

Both of these items have come through my front door this afternoon.
I'm not sure which I like the least.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I'm too tired for the whole "make up a title" thing today.

Right. So, last week was long. Things were a little “bumpy” around here.  People’s plans have changed and life is just so….well….you know, unpredictable.

Could I be anymore cryptic? Sorry. Anyway. Moving on. I didn’t feel much like writing last week (well, actually I felt a lot like writing, but you know, respecting other people’s boundaries and all) now I feel like writing….about other things.

Like this~Couch to 5K

I seem to be surrounded by well meaning friends and relatives who think I should take up running. I don’t know why everyone thinks they can tell me what to do. I mean it’s not like I go around telling other people what they should do.

Oh…..crap…..yes I DO! But let’s be real here, ok? Telling you to watch Mad Men, or read Angel’s Game, or eat at Jason Deli are things that will make your life more enjoyable. I seriously doubt any of you have gotten half an episode into Mad Men and felt like your heart was going to explode. (Unless it was that one when Betty went all crazy pants and bought that chaise lounge and put it right in front of the fireplace.What a nut that one, huh?)

Anyway, you know, fair’s fair (I guess), I’ve decided if I want people to take me seriously when I e-mail them lists of foreign films to watch if they want their lives to be complete, I should probably reciprocate by trying something they suggest. Because I hear you, and I value your advice. (And my life is lame and this is screaming "lets shake things up!")

I bought some new running shoes and found this Couch to 5K plan. On paper it sounds easy enough. 3 workouts a week. The first week you alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes. I started last week, after my 3rd set I started to wonder why in the world anyone thinks it’s ever a good idea to run (Unless of course you are being chased by a big mean dog, which, hey..does anyone want to get up early 3 days a week and chase me with their big mean dog? Oh my gosh! I think I just thought up a new workout scheme plan. Be looking for me to patent that soon.)

Anyway, I’m not giving up that easy, as if the threat of dying is enough to keep me from doing anything, have you forgotten that I laugh at death? Ha ha ha! This week I get to run for 90 seconds then walk for 2 minutes, which sort of seems like going backwards but seeing as I am not a fitness expert I’m going to stick it out. With any luck week 3 will incorporate ice cream into the rotation.

I’ll keep you posted.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Welcome to the Wednesday Edition of “Things I Don’t Get”

1. My brother sent this picture from the Mc Donald’s drive-thru line over in Fancy Town~
"I won't even bother with a McDonald's that doesn't have a waterfall in their drive-thru."

2. Today is Late Start/Extra Early Release, or what I like to call “Gimme a Damn Break Day”. It goes like this~ the start time at the high school is pushed back to 10:00 a.m. and the release time at the elementary school is pushed up to 12:15 p.m. So, a.) I still have to get up early, because my younger kids have to be at school at the regular time, b.) the teenagers who would normally be asleep if they didn’t have to be anywhere until 10:00 on a Saturday morning, go insane and make all sorts of “breakfast” plans, c.) the elementary schoolers want to make the most of their 2 bonus hours in the afternoon, which means having friends over or needing me to drive them somewhere, anywhere, please, it’s early release, we must not waste a single minute of it!! “Thanks person in charge of day wrecking at the school board, you're doing an awesome job!!” What I just don’t understand is, why can’t everyone begin or end at the same time? Why must is be some start late, others end early? Why??

3. Jack Fruit anyone? I have never even heard of Jack Fruit, it must be pretty stinking tasty though, $99.99 each.  Perhaps it is a relative of the ever elusive Jackalope.

4. A few days ago I was in the toy department at Target and I heard this guy tell his cell phone “Yeah, I’m in the office right now, I’ll have to call you back later.” I have never wished so hard for a screaming baby to come around the corner in my life.

5. What would possess a woman with 5 children and a messy husband to buy white bathmats? Perhaps her 5 children messy husband have driven her completely out of her mind and now she is no longer able to use reason when making decisions.
Believe me when I tell you it looks A LOT worse in person.