Thursday, December 17, 2009

Imagine if she had planned to stay for 3 weeks

~originally posted Oct. 9, 2009~

While I was in Virginia my mother came to get me one afternoon so we could go out to dinner, as she backed out of the driveway she told me how a few months before she’d bumped the little brick wall on the the property line and how my brother keeps giving her a hard time about it. “I don’t know what his problem is; I offered to pay to repair it, I don't think he wants me to give him any money because then he wouldn't have a reason to tease me, he thinks he's so funny.”

“Did Todd (that’s my brother with the broken brick wall) tell you about my accident?”

“Mom….you just told me about your accident.”

“Oh, no, I’m not talking about the wall. My accident, the one I got into while I was staying at Granny’s house last month, did he tell you?”

Okay, he didn’t tell me, but I’m not at all surprised to hear that there was one, in fact, as she jerked the car back into her own lane for the 3rd time in 10 minutes I was starting to worry that my brother might be telling people about another accident soon.

“Well, it happened when I went to Indiana for the burial of Aunt Joanie’s ashes, which by the way was a lovely ceremony. Such a shame though, do you know that Jonny Pat died in July and his sister didn’t even come to the funeral? She always was such a spiteful girl. Speaking of spiteful, there’s this woman at work who I asked if she would trade me days off next week and she refused and I know it’s not because she has plans, she never has plans, she’s been upset with me since I told her that the earrings she wears are too flashy for work. Some people just can’t take criticism, but when you work with the public you have to think about these things, that’s why I always try to be conservative. I guess it doesn’t matter anyway; I’ll just have to reschedule my doctor’s appointment. Last month, when Jim {by the way, that’s Beautiful Jim to me and you and the guy that engraved his headstone} came to meet me in Indiana we went out to eat at this Mexican restaurant and I had such terrible heart burn after, I think I may have a touch of acid reflux so I’m hoping to get something a little stronger than Tums, but Jim didn’t get there until after my little incident”

She took a breath, so I risked it all and asked what “little incident” she was talking about. Let me just take a moment here to tell you, in the event that you ever find yourself trapped in a small space with my mother and shes controlling the conversation (and it goes without saying, that small space or not, she WILL be in control of the conversation), sometimes it’s best not to interject anything or ask any questions, I’ve seen it go terribly wrong. I think I was just so confused by then, with all death and heartburn and spite that I threw caution to the wind.

“The accident, I just told you I was in an accident. Weren’t you paying attention? I was on my way back to your Granny’s house after the funeral, you know, I was just so upset, I was really a mess. I know that everyone dies, the circle of life and all, but let me tell you, I’m just so glad I took that trip to Texas for Joanne’s birthday last spring I really would have regre…”

MOM! Tell me about the accident already.”

“I am honey, if you’ll just listen. So, I was driving along, and out of nowhere came this car into my lane, and they just barely nudged me but it was enough. Almost three thousand dollars worth of damage. It’s criminal what body shops charge these days. And that's a low estimate, we went to the guy who does all of Jim's bodywork so I think we got a pretty good deal. Anyway, it was this poor elderly couple and he just ran me right off the road. He didn’t mean to you know, I must have been in his blind spot, but let me tell you, my heart was pounding. I heard the old man tell the police officer that I might need an ambulance because I was so upset.” (I’ve seen my mother “post funeral” upset, I can only imagine what throwing an accident into the mix would do, that poor old guy probably thought she was going to have a mental breakdown on the spot) “This is the incredible part, Sue Ann, (she calls me Sue Ann when she’s trying to get my attention and let me know something is serious which believe me, by this point, was completely unnecessary) my little car was just out of control and I was gripping the steering wheel so tight and you’re probably going to laugh when I tell you this, but I know that the only thing that kept my car from rolling was that I had my suitcase in the back and it was so heavy that it kept the car upright.”

“Did the police tell you that?”

“They didn’t have to, have you ever tried to lift one of my suitcases? Honey, I was packed to a two week visit.”

*This post is an entry in The Great Experiment over at The Girl Who.  If you liked it, and you know you did, go vote for me, you know you want to. Voting opens at 9 a.m.  Naturally you should read the other entries too, and I guess you could vote for one of them if you were so inclined.  If I win I'll get my mom something nice for Christmas, it's the least I can do.  Thanks! Go HERE to read and vote.


Todd said...

HOLY CRAP, I'm glad that my mom isn't that crazy. I also wish that I could come home for lunch everyday and read something so funny.

Also, the only time I've ever discussed that stupid retaining wall incident with her was the day it happened. She left, and then came back in five minutes later and asked me to come outside, in a hushed whisper. She was being so serious that I thought someone had died.

Anyway, I told her not to worry about it. She offered me money and I told her not to worry about it. She told me how extremely sorry she was and I told her not to worry about it. She told me that she again how sorry she was, and I told her to shut-up and leave already.

The truth is, if she gave me money to fix the stupid wall, well, then I guess I'd have to fix the stupid wall. I don't want to mess with that. You were here for two weeks and probably never even noticed the two broken blocks. Sheesh!

How much do you think a suitcase needs to weigh to keep a car from rolling over?

wesley's mom (sue) said...

Todd-I think to keep from rolling your car needs to weigh about 1 set of hot rollers, 8 pairs of shoes and 2 bottles of really smelly lotion.

The wall is a no win situation. If you take her money then she will be telling people how you MADE her pay you for those two lousy bricks.

I'm glad you were entertainted. In retrospect it's a funny story, but that day, I was really starting to worry that she was going to run off the road without any help from a sweet elderly couple and seeing as how she didn't have a suitcase with her (that I know of) the car probably would have flipped several times. Cause that's the kind of luck I have.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

Sound like I pack.

AuBien said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Sadie said...

I love the way you tell the story! I have dated someone that told stories in that manner... and you nailed it!

S'dizzle said...

funny! Nobody in my family is much of a talker, makes for awkward holidays. Not sure which is better!

Barbara said...

Sue, you've got my vote. Amazing story - your mother must be an... interesting woman :)

Anyway. Laughed my ass off here! Happy holidays to you and yours, and I hope you win that Great Experiment money!

Daycare Lady said...

Cute story. My Mum packs like that too!

TheGirlWho said...

I could just picture your mom (and I've never seen her) yammering along while you listened. But the ending was priceless. Her suitcase kept the car from rolling... cracked me up.

Keenie Beanie said...

So funny. You have a great flair for storytelling too! Loved the ending.

Rob said...

Fun story and I love your pen name.
I've always been Roy's brother or Jayne's husband or now Tommy or Caroline's dad. I wear the last two like a badge though.