Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I think it's time for a little chat

Yesterday morning I happened to be feeling a little blah, wouldn't you know that's just when I came across this article. Blue is the New Black. It didn't help my mood. I don’t know about all women. I haven’t asked any, I can only speak for myself, but I do wonder why I can’t rustle up some cheery cheer a little more often. I’m sure I wasn’t always like this. In fact I know I used to be a glass half full girl. Nowadays I don’t even think about the glass, I’m just so busy trudging along. Sometimes I get tired of hanging on. Tired of worrying about what everyone else thinks of me. Tired of trying to be better for people who end up disappointing me. Tired of being responsible. Tired of taking showers and eating and feeding my children. I get tired of returning library books on time, tired of checking them out in the first place. Sometimes I want to leave the mail in the box for a week or heck, a month even. I’m tired of answering my phone. Tired of making excuses for others’ bad behavior. Just, you know, tired. Then other days, not so much. Other days I look forward to the mail (Netflix, duh!), and feeding my children. Sometimes I really like other people and want them to call me. There are days when being responsible feels good and days when I NEED to take a shower(um, yeah, MOST days I need to take a shower).

Maybe we women are unhappy because we put too much pressure ON OURSELVES. I don't remember the last time anyone scolded me for taking my books back to the library late or told me I was raising a bunch of malnourished banshees (I don't count unsigned notes that are slipped under my front door). The only person making fun of how I look in my yoga pants is me. The last time I was compared to the mom across the street I was the one making the judgments. Maybe we're unhappy because somewhere along the line reality set in and we realized that most of our wildest dreams aren't going to come true. That's just the way it is. It's possible that my subconcious took a hit when my 12 year old self came to the realization that not only was she NOT going to look like Olivia Newton-John and marry Leif Garrett, but he wasn't even the kind of guy she wanted to marry.
If only I could stop time, even for a day, if everything could remain still (you know, the kids, the laundry, my dreams of grandeur)while I did a little sorting in my mind. Naturally one day would not be even close to enough time to sort all that goes on in my mind, but maybe it would be enough to get the ball rolling. Maybe I could have a little face to face with that voice that's always telling me I'm not good enough. Because seriously, of all the things I'm tired of, she's at the top of the list. I'm sick of the voice in my head that tells me I should go with her to check out Rick Springfield next time he's at the casino and would it kill me to put on a little makeup once in a while?(--oh wait, that voice is my mother, she's got this huge crush...nevermind).
I don’t know, maybe talking to yourself doesn't do any good. Maybe my inner self is a snot and won't pay any attention to my outer self anyway. That would be just my luck.
I’ll tell ya though, the thought of feeling like this-or worse-for the next 30 years……. I'm pretty sure this town ain't big enough for the two of us. I bet I can take her.


Cheryle said...

Oh, man, do I remember those days! I got tired of being the "strong one," the "one who has all the answers," the "one who makes sure it all gets done - and on time!" Then I figured out - I was about 50 - that that's just who I am and no one was really putting pressure on me; I was putting pressure on myself.

Now the kids are grown and gone and the only person I have to take care of is himself, and he lets me know when I'm not his mother!

lori.huffaker said...

I have to agree with Cheryle, although I'm not quite as old(sorry) and definatley not as wise. You are in the chaos of yout life, what you fear most(your kids growing up and leaving) will be what finally calms you. I love my grown up kids, they mock me and laugh about stupid things I said and did in times of madness, but they love me and they turned out better than I could have hoped for considering my crazy past. You, to me are one of the funniest, kindest, talented woman that I know. Your kids will get that one day too, I promise!! Call me next time you can't take it any more, we will go eat as much food as we can and complain about how no one appreciates us!!