Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Moving Day(s)

The time has finally arrived. We will be shifting everything from here to there for the next couple of days.
Ah, moving is so envigorating, isn't it? All of your stuff in "clearly" labeled boxes being transported so gently by people who truly grasp the meaning of FRAGILE.
At least, if I have no other consolation, I can rest easy knowing that I have the best packing tape dispenser money can buy, because when I call my husband up and say "Hey, could you grab some packing tape while you're out?" I know he's not coming back with some measly roll of tape that I will have to tear into pieces with my teeth, no siree, my husband knows what ladies like.
In other news, there has been a study and it has been determined that tanning beds are as deadly as arsenic and as dangerous as being a chimney sweep. A chimney sweep, who would have ever guessed?
Uh, ME! Duh. If I had a nickle for everytime I've predicted the future I could buy myself and ice cream cone and a half.
Anyhoo, could someone get my oldest brother to call my mom and give her the news? He's the only one she listens to, she thinks the rest of us make things up. Which is I suppose is true, sometimes we make things up, but we would never kid around about something as serious as tanning. Nope, never.

Monday, July 27, 2009

When good things happen to people who don’t really deserve them.

I think I've mentioned that there's a relocation looming in my not so distant future, in fact it’s just a few days away and I feel like I’m drowning in everything that needs to be done before the fateful day.

Right now we are in the phase I’m calling “Extreme Home Makeover: Please pray for my husband edition”, because really, one of us might not make it out of this alive, and it should be obvious to all of you by now that I'm meaner than a snake these days, and I’m pretty sure I can take him.

I don’t want to move. There’s a long list of reasons why, which of course, I think are the best and most valid reasons in the world so, like any rational adult who has undergone countless sessions with a therapist in an effort to be in control of her emotions and not become a lunatic drama queen, I have decided to be bitter and angry about the whole thing and have been wah wah whining like crazy about it. As I said a few days ago, I don’t like myself this way, (though lots of other people claim to, which I think translates to “Oh my GOSH, I am so glad I’m not a big jerk like her!” My anger is good for other people’s self-esteem, like Landmark, only free. Whatever, if it works for you I’m so very glad I could help.)

Yeah, so there’s a lot to be done at the new house and I have been going over in the evenings to chip away at it. It’s hot, and I’m tired (and bitter), so when I get there I put on some “mood” music. It helps me work and my signing keeps the neighbors away (cha-ching!!).

Friday afternoon, just as my good friends Fergie, Wil.I.Am (seriously?!) and I were loudly asking “Where is the love? And whatever happened to the something something and equality?” I heard voices, familiar voices. So of course I did what any one of you would have done, I ducked into a closet. (the surest way to scare your friends off for good is for them to hear you boldly but badly singing along not so harmoniously with The Black Eyed Peas, it’s like 6 different kinds of embarrassing, thank heavens they didn’t witness the dancing).-- No, I didn’t really hide-(what do you take me for? Sheesh, you guys) I was brave. I came out, thinking they must have stopped by to see the progress (or lack thereof) so they could know for themselves if I have been exaggerating during my endless complaint sessions.

But do you know what? That’s not why they were there.

My friends, whose lives are just as full and busy as mine, had come to help me. They even brought their own magic paint rollers. (I know ONE of them FOR SURE was magic, because it painted 2 coats in 2 rooms in 2 hours-MAGIC.) They stayed for 4 hours. 4!!

Here’s the kicker, in addition to being completely NUTS, I am also prideful and stubborn. My friends have been asking me for weeks what they can do to help me, and I’ve known that they were sincere offers, but I have a couple of screws loose, plus I know that they really have to do lists as least as long, if not longer than my own, so I say things like “I’m fine” or “I’ll let you know”. The whole time I’m dying inside and feeling like the task in front of me is impossible.

I can’t even tell you, nor could I tell them, how I felt when I realized they had planned and schemed behind my back to come over and work with me. I cried all the way home. For the life of me I can’t figure out why they like me that much. Seriously. I’m bitter and angry and prideful and crazy, and you know all about that big mouth thing where I say too much of the wrong thing all the time.

I try to not use real names here, but today I'm going to. I want them to know that even though I’m a dork who, you know, all that stuff I said up there, I do have a heart, and more than the painting, which believe me was HUGE, the idea, that on an evening when they could have been home with their families, or better yet on dates with their husbands (it was Friday evening after all) they came to my rescue, means I'm pretty lucky to have such great friends.

So, (in order of alphabet, not importance) Anna Marie, who is in the middle of her own relocation dramarama and honestly does NOT have time to paint my house, Darcy who has the best laugh in the world and calls her husband her boyfriend (isn’t that the sweetest thing EVER?), Lori who speaks softly and always tells me nice things about myself (I would introduce you, but she's too good for my self esteem to share), and Marianne who came on Thursday and who knows more about me than any person should have to and still answers her phone when I call, THANK YOU!! You guys are best and even though I don’t deserve you I certainly don’t know what I’d do without you.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

This made me laugh....

This did too, except at the end I got a little teary eyed, but probably just because I knew I could never have been in this wedding since I don't dance in public, and also my upper arms couldn't pull off one of those strappy little dresses.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

It's better than an empty roll.

Which is what I usually find.  But 3 nearly used rolls?!  It's more proof to me of the vast universal conspriacy to drive me insane, a plot obviously being orchestrated by my children.  Right?  Because surely no adult would do such a thing.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Check this out.

I promise you won't be sorry. GO HERE

Okay, really, let's skip right over the whys, but tell me, where..where.. where would you display such a thing?

Monday, July 20, 2009

I hate to bring this up...

....because I know you won't even believe it, but I am so cranky/anxious/tired I can hardly stand myself. You can't believe it, can you?

I don't know what the problem is. Maybe living in a kiln is getting to me, or maybe I am tired of being the only person in my house that can see those towel hooks in the bathroom and fully understand their functionality, it could be that we are moving in 2 weeks and we are not even close to being ready, or possibly the unreasonable amount of sewing I have taken on so the young women in my ward can have the BEST CAMP EVER. It's for sure NOT the steady stream of video game noise coming from the next room, or that I have had a headache since Friday and don't even dare suggest that I'm annoyed because I haven't had time to read a magazine (forget books) in a month, seriously, who needs intellectual stimulation?

Whatever the problem is (or problems are) I really don't like myself this way. I see those inherently cheery people and I want to kick them, but after that urge passes I wonder how they do it. How?! Tell me cheery people, what's your secret?

When the curiosity passes, I want to kick them again. (you aren't going to tell me your secret now, are you?)

Also, I don't want to leave my house. People keep asking me what's wrong. Just out of the blue, even when I think I'm looking normalish. Try as I might, to hold it all in, apparently that's not working, apparently it's written all over my face, apparently I look like I might shoot up the post office. Today, at the grocery store, I think I saw one of the PTO moms from my daughter's school avoid me on purpose. (Really, I know she saw me, but she must have also seen my brown aura (have I ever told you about that lady I used to know who said she could see people's auras? That's a good one. remind me later) and decided that was a can of worms she didn't feel like opening today)

I'm sooo not going to shoot up the post office. As if.

Nope, I'm going to post this and you guys are all going to tell me how you feel EXACTLY the same way, it must be the season for it. Which will totally make me feel normal and better. It's working already. You guys are the best.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Whatcha think?

I say yes.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Have you noticed that people don't write letters anymore?

Dear Readers of this Blog,
I can’t tell you how it made me smile to think that so many of you thought I was clever enough to come up with those shark cupcakes on my own.
Get this book- Hello Cupcake (it’s a link, click and you too can be the best mom/dad ever)
It’s awesome.
A woman who wishes she were that creative
ps~Todd, carnage cupcakes would have been such a hit. I should have called you.
Dear Michael Jackson,
I get it. You were talented and weird.
You are dead. Now please go away.
My sympathies,
A girl who wants to watch 20/20 without seeing your face
Ps~take Sarah Palin with you.

To My Body,

I am not enjoying the sudden onset of forehead acne. Did you know that some people LOSE weight when they are feeling stressed?  Think about it.

The pimply fat lady
My Darling Teenage son,
Yes, in fact, I do get to decide what is rational and irrational. All the time. It’s a perk.
All my love,
The woman you would never forgive if I let you go out into the world spouting some of that crazy crap.
ps~I haven’t made you turn down your annoying music for 3 days. That should count for something.

To Whom It May Concern:
Thank you for believing that I can do anything. The truth is, when you call me on Monday about something you have known for 2 months that you would need me to do by the end of this week I want to throw up on you. When I see you in person I might. Did the 3 of you get together and plan a coordinated attack? You are all wonderful people, but I’m liking you less and less.
Not so cordially,
The woman who will take your bets and see you…..I don’t know….. however that would go in poker speak
ps~being married to me doesn't let you off the hook.

Dearest Teenage Dive Coach,

You are really cute, and I know the other coaches think so too. I love watching you during practice, so lively and animated. I hate to ask, but I’m wondering if you could tone it down just a bit and pay attention to my son, and the other divers, of course, for that brief hour you are with them at practice.

Most appreciatively,
The mother who doesn’t want to have to go to your boss but will if you don’t shape up.

Hey Camp Prep List,

Stop looking at me like that. You’re killing me. KILLING ME. Why don’t you hop in Michael Jackson’s pocket and go away for a few days. Take a break, get out of the heat. Leave me alone.

As Always,
The martyr who knows it's her own dang fault because she can’t seem to say no

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I have one word for you

Best. Mom. EVER!!
Last week my son asked me if he could invite a couple friends over to watch Jaws (dont' ask me, suddenly it's all the rage) and he wanted to know if I would make some shark cupcakes for them to eat while they watched. My first reaction was "Are you crazy? Does it look like I have the time or desire to make shark cupcakes? Why don't you and your amigos walk down to Chevron in the 115 degree heat and grab yourselves a bag of Cheetos and some Red Bull. Better yet, would it kill ya to eat an apple every once in a while?"
But something very odd, like possibly a voodoo spell, came over me and I didn't say any of that. Instead I said "Sure buddy. You want chocolate cupcakes or vanilla?"
I gathered my supplies. Set aside 2 hours. (okay, 4 hours)
And..viola!! Best mom ever.
He was so happy, he and his friends got all sugared up and watched Richard Dreyfus go shark hunting. What more does a boy need? Sugar and Richard Dreyfus. It was a perfect day.
You may now feel free to call Oprah and tell her what a great parent I am. I'm available to go on her show and give parenting advice. But not fashion advice, you might even suggest that I deserve a makeover. Or a new car. Or a trip to France.
PS~In the interest of full disclosure, I could have never made the cupcakes and remained sane (=nice) without the help of my lovely niece Haley who owes my brother money and has been sold into bondage to me for a week. (more about that later). Thanks Hayley!!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Let's talk about laundry

How often do you do it?  One sister-in-law, who has 4 children, does all of hers on Mondays.  I've tried, but the longest I've been able to make it is 4 days, and in the summer, the towels......Forget it!  I do laundry, a load or two, everyday.  I hate it, but I haven't been able to come up with anything that works better for me.

SO....How often do you do laundry?
Do your kids do their own laundry?
How about your husband? 
If you do all of yours on one day, what's your stockpile like?  I mean how many towels does a person have to have to last 7 days? 
Oh, and what's your favorite detergent/fabric softener combination?  My laundry never seems to smell as fresh as other people's.  Is that just a grass is greener thing or is there a magic scent recipe?

Tell me everything.  I've always wanted to be an expert laundress.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Ah, summer

Remember our lovely pool?
Well, we drained it.
Then after all the slime was out...
My pool guys came over....
And scrubed all the fungus off...
You can tell they're serious because those are professional pool man shoes.
Hopefully that will take care of the slime and we can get back to our life of luxury.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

It's all about the 3 dog lead

Sure, this looks good....
but everyone knows it comes down to this-
Living in a country where ESPN considers hot dog eating a sport. Ah, freedom.

Friday, July 3, 2009

What the helk?

This morning I found this picture on my camera, and for a second I thought, "whose pig pen is that?!" Then I realized that is was/is mine. WHAT?! Have I been so, I don't know... preoccupied? That I hadn't even noticed that the first room seen by anyone who enters our home, and the only room those pesky door to door windshield repairmen ever see is a giant mess. How did that happen? We are living in filth. Such a shame.

And I don't think I'm going to do anything about it. Not today anyway.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

This just in..

Little hearts around the world must be breaking, one of the Jonas Brothers is engaged. Yep. Read all about it here. I feel just like TMZ.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


I'm the meanest mom EVER! I'm making my kids do their Saturday chores on.......WEDNESDAY!!

Have you ever heard of anything so awful?  Neither have my kids.  They might die. One of them keeps asking me why they have to clean the bathrooms EVERY SINGLE WEEK. 

I know.  You probably haven't ever met anyone who cleaned their bathrooms so often.  Just call me Joan Crawford.