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Friday, February 27, 2009

My husband thinks I make too much of things

But what does he know?

Yesterday was a bad day, it started off with that e-mail letting me know that my dad had in fact remarried, which for some reason hit me kind of hard.

He lives and works in Germany and our contact is mainly through e-mail so the actual e-mail aspect of it wasn’t a surprise. The e-mails arriving in such a staggered fashion was a little weird. One brother on Tuesday, another on Thursday, mine on Friday. We all talk, so there was kind of an “Oh, no, he didn’t tell me yet” moment. Then there was the way he was almost casual about it, “By the way….”. But like one of my friends reminded me yesterday, he is a man.

The real reason I felt like I did (do) is because inside I am still 10 years old and I am afraid a new wife means I will be getting less e-mail from my dad.

My father’s second wife died last spring. She’d had a myriad of health problems (you don’t even want to get me started on her emotional problems) for their entire marriage, so it wasn’t completely unexpected, still…. it was one of those things you logically know could happen, but you doubt if it ever will, mostly because she was your typical Disney style step-mom, and I have been waiting on pins and needles for her to steal my voice or bring over some bad apples so my prince charming could rush in and save the day.

She and I didn’t have a relationship. There was a time when I might have said we didn’t have a good relationship, but over the years it just became nothing. In the beginning, before she had my dad securely hooked, things were okay between us, but it was so long ago it’s hard to remember clearly just how okay they were. I was a teenager with abandonment issues back then and she was a grown up with a credit card trying to buy my affection. Not really a surprise that things didn’t work out so well.

I blamed her for the choices my dad made, and he let me. I hated her for a long time because she wouldn’t “allow” my dad to see us, and because I felt like she took him from us. Of course that was dumb. He made his choices and he was never really invested enough in his relationships with any of us.

I made her his excuse and now I am frightened, because deep down I’ve known all along that it was his choice, and now there is NO EXCUSE so when he doesn’t call it will be because I’m not enough. Because I'm 10, the universe revolves around me me me!

Since she died he has called and e-mailed and said all of the right things. He’s been repentant and has seemed to really want to be involved with my brothers and me. He’s assured us that things are different now. He’s promised that he will not drop out of our lives again. For some stupid reason that means a lot to me and I desperately want it to be true.

Over the last couple of months the contact has slowed a little, he told us there was a woman he’s had his eye on. He’s been pretty open about the fact that he likes her and she spent Christmas with him over there. I’m glad he has someone. I know he’s lonely and I know that the last few years with my step-mother were hard on him. I’m trying to be happy for him, but inside I’m 10 years old. His new wife was a friend of my step-mother, that’s how he knows her. To be honest, that is making me just a tch nervous.

Thanks for listening, the bottom line is I’ll get over it. I’m just feeling a little raw right now.

3 comments:

Todd said...

Does someone need a hug?

If you can wait a little while longer I'll come over and give you one. But in the meantime: relax. I feel like I tell you that more than Frankie said it in the '80s, but it's good advice. Frankie was wise.

Dad is who he is, and we've dealt with it this long (some of us longer than others), so you've got a few choices:

1) Withdraw completely. Hey, it works for Scott.

2) Keep your gaurd up, but enjoy what you get. Remember the past, but don't let it grind you down.

or 3) Throw yourself into it with reckless abandon like a teenager in love for the first time, and take whatever kind of emotional shrapnel you get.

Whatever you may decide (chose 2) just remember to relax.

wesley's mom said...

You should know by now that I am a reckless abandon girl all the way!

Seriously, I'm almost over it. I wish it didn't bother me, but it does. I try to do #2, most of the time I think I succeed. Maybe I am PMSing.

Just between you and me and the entire internet, I don't think #1 is working that great for Firecracker either.

Todd said...

PMSing?

At your age?

 
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