Thursday, January 15, 2009

This post is REALLY long.

You might want to print it out and read it while you are waiting in a really long line somewhere.

I love fresh starts like new years or back to school, and I love making lists of all the ways I could be new and improved. But if I’m not careful I end up with the same to-do list year after year, and I suppose that’s okay, I don’t think a person should give up their dream just because they weren’t able achieve it within a certain time frame, but for me it’s about being realistic. If after 5 years I haven’t finished Don Quixote, maybe deep down, I don’t really want to.

I asked myself, “Self, are you living the life you want to live?” Then I said to myself, “Self, you only get one life, you know, is this how you want to spend it?” My self replied, “Sorta.” Then I decided if I am going to make any kind of progress I am going to have to stop talking to myself, because I can get a little chatty sometimes and I knew if I started asking myself for fashion advice I’d be here all day.

Instead of making a list of things to check off I have mapped out a direction I want to take. I know that sounds all silly and new agey, but the thing is, I believe by heading in that direction I can change and add all of the things I want to and guide my life instead of drifting from one thing to the next. It will be a fluid stream of change.

Are you still with me?


True is the word that I have decided fully expresses the woman I want to be, the example I want to be to my children, and the kind of wife, sister and friend I want to be.

True (1): being in accordance with the actual state of affairs (2): conformable to an essential reality (3): fully realized or fulfilled c: being that which is the case rather than what is manifest or assumed CONSISTENT (4) a: that is fitted or formed or that functions accurately b: conformable to a standard or pattern : ACCURATE

Function: adjective
being exactly as appears or as claimed - AUTHENTIC
existing in fact and not merely as a possibility -ACTUAL
firm in one╩╝s allegiance to someone or something- FAITHFUL
free from any intent to deceive or impress others- GUILELESS
worthy of one's trust -DEPENDABLE

I want to be consistanly faithful, accurately dependable, and actually authentically guiless. I should be practically perfect by summer.
Going through lasts year's ramblings for my “best of” posts (here and here)was eye opening. A few things stuck out.

1. I use my blog as a journal. Oh, I know it’s very entertaining, at times I’m sure it seems like fiction but I swear it’s all true. My blog is a fascinating and detailed chronicle of what’s going on in my life. Several of the things I had written about last year were all but forgotten by the end of the year. Having a record of my breakup with Blockbuster is priceless. I hope my progeny knows what a treasure they have when, at my funeral, they are all handed the 6000 page printed and bound version of my blogging years.

2. I like being somewhat anonymous. I like to write about how I am honestly feeling about life and whatnot and I love getting feedback from readers, even if it’s not always positive. Only a couple of my regular readers know me in real life, and they REALLY know me. For now, I feel certain that if I told everyone I know in real life that I blog here, I would censor myself because I am not the most secure woman in town (who is anyway?) and on some level I fear the harsh judgment of my loved ones. (not that my loved ones are judgmental, most of them are very tolerant, but a few of them…...) Someday I hope to be able to embrace all judgment, not just the judgment of strangers, but for now it’s more important to me to have a safe-ish place to write.

3. If I commit to something on my blog I am more likely to follow through. No one wants to look like a flake in front of a bunch of people they don’t even know in real life. I mean, what if I ran into some of you at Target someday? And what if you said something like “Hey, how’s that Don Quixote coming?” I might be able to fake it here on the internet, but if we were face to face at Target of all places I might crack, and then you’d know that I’d never even gotten through the first chapter, how embarrassing would that be? I’ve found that if I tell you I’m going to do something I really try to make myself do it. I don’t want to let you down. That’s why I’ve been so cautious in my goal planning, so I don’t disappoint you, my loyal readers. The pressure is insane (just like me).

With those things in mind; keeping a record, being completely open about my struggles, and feeling somewhat compelled to do what I say I’m going to do, I have made a plan, and chosen a word that I feel represents my hope for the year and hopefully by blogging about the whole shebang I will stand a better chance of actually accomplishing something this year.


Ward and June said...

Don Quixote isn't all that it's cracked up to be in my opinion. I had an english professor who loved it, said he read it every year so I've tried several times and never made it more than halfway through. Even with the easiest translation I could find.

wesley's mom said...

Funny, your other half tried to make me feel like a loser for not finishing, he says even your children love the Don. Hmpf!!!

Ward and June said...

Yeah, well they never got the whole story either. We gave up when Jon and Misty were here and never went back. I think Todd just likes to ruffle your feathers, make you feel like a loser for not reading Quixote, exclude you from cool vacation alliances, you know, that sort of thing.

Ward and June said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wesley's mom said...

Not that I care, because I could start my own "survive the planning of the vacation alliance" if I wanted to, but what would it take to get him to let me in his alliance?

If I cared.

Which I don't. I think if I get Brandon and Jaidyn (who can both be bought, one with candy the other with cash) I could rule the vacation planning universe.

Cheryle said...

Oh, it's not *that* long - and I think you've chosed a good word. The path may be fluid, but the goal is solid!

I enjoy your blog, so don't change too much, okay?