Tuesday, November 4, 2008

On the brightside it's finally election day.

After a weekend that included using all of my super powers to not cry over, well, everything and nothing, then giving up and spending the ENTIRE day Sunday in tears and scaring the crap out of my kids.---It hasn’t been that quiet and peaceful in our house in 17 years, I could hear them arguing in whispered voices so they wouldn’t bother me, and they kept patting me and asking me if I needed anything. It was quite pathetic really.

The grand finale was last night when I had to sit them all down and tell them that it wasn’t their fault I was crying, I’m just nuts -except I didn’t say “nuts”, I said things like depressed and serotonin, and medication. The older boys seemed pretty relieved that there were drugs for my condition,  but then my 10 year old asked me if it was like on the commercials when they say “can cause thoughts of suicide”? (He has also memorized the entire Plavix commercial—we are so proud). I started crying again, of course. Wouldn’t you?

For 5 years I have controlled my depression without medication. It felt like a really big victory to me, which of course is silly, but seriously, depressed people are seriously silly; just not in that 6 six year old knock- knock joke kind of way.

So today I started taking Prozac again. My shrink thinks it’s a good idea. That’s comforting. Therapy alone isn’t going to cut it. I really thought I was past needing medication, but here I am, three weeks away from turning 40, falling apart again. It feels like failure. Whether or not turning 40 has anything to do with it has yet to be determined, but it aint helping (I don’t let my kids say ain’t).


Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

WOW...my mom use to take Prozac...she had bouts of depression. She said no one understands it unless they have been through it.

So I had a bit of it after my first child...and all I can say is, IT SUCKS...you feel like you are having outer body experiences...You KNOW you are not being yourself...but you can't stop yourself?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I'm really really sorry. I'm sending a virtual hug to you and your kids because it's scary for kids too. Both my parents suffered from depression. Probably why I laugh at everything, else I'll cry.

My deepest sympathy.

Thanks for being so brave and sharing. That takes guts.


beeeeeeeee said...

I totally hear you. So true about not thinking everything is under control and then the bottom drops out.

I hope Prozac helps. And glad you have kids that are so aware.

Good luck and I hear the 40s are really good.

Cheryle said...

I'm a former Prozac-taker, so please know that there are lots of us in the world who understand! My depression seemed to be situational and once I got rid of the situation, I got better. But it will still return if things take a wrong turn for me. Take your Prozac, don't try to fight it by yourself. Life can be beautiful and it sounds as if you have some really great kids.

I'm pulling for you.

Pat said...

Good for you to get the extra help. Do not feel as if you are somehow failing by doing so. Does anyone think someone with a broken leg who gets a cast is weak? Why is mental illness so often ridiculed.

I agree with Crash, so brave of you to share.

I imagine that is we knew who around us is actually fighting depression or even taking medication we would be amazed.

angela michelle said...

do it--take that prozac if it helps. i'm sorry you had one of those kids-tiptoeing-around-mom moments. best wishes to you.