Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Hello...Crazy over here.

I feel like I’m cracking up. I’ve been getting crankier and crankier and more and more gloomy. I knew it, but I didn’t realize that everyone else could see it. Last night some friends came over and I love them but the wife is notorious for her negativity and I got the feeling I was bringing her down. That’s bad.

I hardly slept last night and I woke up early this morning thinking about why I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I realized that it’s fear. It’s not fear that the stock market is going to crumble or that my family will have to eat turnip soup or that I will soon be learning how to darn socks. If those things happen I will deal with them and press forward. We live in Arizona, who needs socks?

I’m scared of other things.

I am afraid my daughter will not make it home from school. She walks now. She’s in the 3rd grade and thought it was time I let her. I’m not so sure and everyday at 2:30 I feel like making up an excuse to go pick her up anyway. I mean, what if something happens? Not just “bad guys”, I worry plenty about that, but what about the other things, like bullies or that her backpack is way too heavy and 3rd grade is the last year she ever walks upright?

I’m frightened that my son who is a junior in high school doesn’t take his future seriously. (Because, you know, I did. And I’m so incredibly successful now because of it.) I worry that he won’t decide to go to college, then I worry that he will and I won’t be able to help pay for it.

I worry that I will wake up in the morning with a migraine and be unable to fulfill my obligations.

I’m afraid my winter grass won’t grow and ours will be the only house on the street with a brown lawn.

I’m concerned that I never seem to get caught up. There is always one more thing. Another load of laundry, an undusted room (or eight), a meal to prepare, or we’re out of milk….. It’s a long list, and I feel almost frantic in my need to cross everything off.

I worry constantly over what others think of me, all the while pretending that I don’t.  Which makes for all kinds of awkward situations.

I am afraid that my dad will remarry and our newly formed fragile relationship will be ripped out from under me once again.

I'm scared I will always feel like this, that it won't go away and that my kids will think it's normal to be stressed and worried all the time.

I’m in a constant state of nervousness, which is not entirely new for me, I’ve always been anxious; I just think I used to be a little better at hiding it. I really used to be able to outwardly project a positive perspective. How do I get that back? Most of these things I am worried about are out of my realm of control. Is there a way to let go but still be in control? Does that even make any sense?


Becky said...

You just described the last week (ok, month) of my life. I feel frantic to get things done, anxious, scared... everything you mentioned.

I wish I had a pill to cure you, but if I did, I'd be hoarding them like a squirrel.

Something that has actually helped me recently is changing my diet a bit. (No, I'm not going to tell you to go organic or give up wheat!) But I am an emotional eater in a big way. Even if it's a good emotion, I'm heading for the candy corn. The last few days I've tried to be very disciplined, and I can see a difference.

But that's neither here nor there, since you didn't even bring that subject up. :)

Good luck with the letting go and still being in control, though. I really do relate.

wesley's mom said...

Ah, the candy corn. Also my weakness. I ate an entire bag of Autumn Mix over the weekend. I'm an emotional eater too. For some reason rewarding myself with Jack-in-the-Box always makes me feel better.

You know, temporarily.

Alyson said...

Oh, don't even bring up jack in the box!! I miss it SO much. Those stinkin' tacos are the stuff my dreams are made of!

I know how you feel. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder a few years ago. I thought there's no way that's me because you think of veterans ducking under blankets whenever there's a loud noise, thinking a bomb had just gone off. However, I did have a form of it and that included a lot of anxiety. St. John's wort works for me, but I know it doesn't for everyone.

At general conference last weekend, I noticed they (don't remember who) said that fear is the absense of faith. It's hard sometimes, but I think we need to pray for faith and pray to be warned if there is something that we really should be worried about.

Here's to hoping you can find a way out of your worry soon!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

I like you. I can relate to you.

I really like you.

Thanks for finding me so I could find you.