Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Holy Crap

I’m getting slightly freaked out. I have had a humongous migraine for 5 days , I am leaving for camp in 3 days and I have 1 million things to do before then. You do the math.

It’s not pretty.

It’s worse than the pool towel to swimmer ratio thing.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Is it Tuesday already?

We had a lovely and relaxing Memorial Day weekend. I learned a few things you may not be aware of so allow me to share.

1. System Link is an invaluable tool that allows teenage boys to wreck two rooms in your home at once. Thank you Microsoft.
2. Teenage boys can eat their weight in Otter Pops.
3. If you ask your husband to clean out his closet your bedroom might end up looking like his closet threw up on it, but the closet will sure be clean.
4. Little girls can hold grudges for a really l-o-n-g time, and retaliation may come when you least expect it.
5. The amount of pool towels used for an afternoon of swimming is in no way indicative of how many people actually swam. The formula looks something like this-swimmers X towels(3)= 6 loads of laundry.

How was your weekend?

Friday, May 23, 2008

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Someone is going to pay.

This morning the Demandatron demanded that she be allowed to walk home from school today.

“It’s the last day, and you never let me.” She reasoned. I quickly reminded her that creepy child stealers don’t care one wit about the last day of school. They will steal you just as quickly on the last day as the first.

“Please!!” she begged.

So we made a plan where her older (and wiser) brother would meet her and they could walk home together, because no child stealer would take two children at the same time. (I am very much aware of the cracks in my logic, thank you very much.)

Now it is raining, which NEVER happens here, so she will have to be picked up, and after the doughnut disaster of this morning (don’t ask) I am sure I will be accused of performing Native American Rain Dances in my spare time just so I could ruin her day.

Such is the glory of motherhood.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The number one school is here, does that count?

Newsweek released this list of the top public high schools in the country. I'm not entirely sure what criteria they used for ranking the schools (I mean, they provided it, I just didn't read it.), but I know what they didn't use. Dry heat.

That's right, after a brief study I have learned that in Arizona, where we have chosen to educate our children there are 6 good high schools, 6 and none in the actual city where we reside. But in Virginia, where we decided NOT to have our children learn, there are 83 good high schools. Virginia being a pretty small state, I am left with no choice but to conclude that EVERY stinking school in the state that we decided NOT to have our children educated is a GOOD school. It looks to me like the rankers of schools over there at Newsweek have given WAY to much credit for damp and rainy, when everyone knows that dry heat is proven to increase your brain power like by 2 or 3 percent over humid and wet any day of the week (except Thursday).

I would like to thank the state of Arizona for it’s dedication to the future of our children. You had 1300 chances to make the list and 6 was the most you could manage, 6, that's it?! It's like you aren't even trying.

So, thanks Arizona,-- thanks for nothing.
Let the gloating and the pouring of salt on my “I just paid gazillions of dollars to send my kids to summer school at their crappy high school in Arizona” wounds begin.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

It was a l-o-n-g night.

When my husband is not home I have a hard time sleeping.

This weekend he took all of our sons and went camping, leaving me at home with the Demandatron. Which is possibly why I couldn’t sleep. After a “fun” night out, the prospect of a whole Saturday ahead of us has the potential to either leave one sleepless- or having nightmares.

After finally getting to sleep around midnight I woke up at 4:23 a.m. and could not go back to sleep. I turned on the TV, times like these are when some cable would come in mighty handy.

I found myself with few choices and settled on “Cutlery Corner”, you can check it out for yourselves at http://www.cutlerycorner.net/ .

Let me give you just a sampling of what you will find there.

On my television screen, at 4:40 a.m. I was amazed to see an array of knives like no other. The Cutlery Corner offers the sportsman it’s version of the Ginsu Knife collection.

--Hollow handled survival knife, with a 2 headed compass (is that like a two headed snake?). A sword, the color being offered tonight is Pitch Black. In all, 24 Pitch Black knives being offered for only $6.67 per knife. That’s right $79.99X2. And did you notice the Throwing Knives?—“folks I’ve seen a set of 3 Throwing Knives alone go for $30.00.” What a deal!!

“No one should be caught in the rush without these knives.” (What rush would that be? The after Thanksgiving early morning Wal-mart rush? The rush to judgment? The rushing river? Help me out here.)

But wait, then they brought out the granddaddy knife set of all time. Hold on to your hats ladies and gentlemen.

The 262 piece pocket knife set, that was it for me, I went back to bed. I know when I’m out of my league. The Dale Earnhardt knife, the AK47, offered tonight in firefighter red, the unbelievable bonus item—“give me a wide shot, because what I’m about to reveal needs a lot of room”.

“A’right here it is’’

A sword. But not just any ol sword.

A handmade Damascus steel sword made with up to 300 layers of steel, to give you a superior edge.

“Steel of this caliber is normally sold at about $100.00 an inch!! Ya gotta know, ya gotta know, you can’t find this anywhere.”

I’m not sure how they tie that Damascan sword into the pocket knife collection, maybe because it’s the bonus item, or maybe because most of their viewers are so hypnotized by the firefighter red AK47 pocketknife that they don’t care that the bonus item is not a pocket knife, or maybe I am just not seasoned in the ways of knife collecting, because truthfully, I can not even imagine the circumstances that would ever lead a person to feel good about buying 262 pocket knives in one shot EVER.


Monday, May 19, 2008

Riddle me this...

Is it funny or is it sad if your nine year old is singing Brass Monkey in the shower? What if he knows all of the words?

Does anyone really care if Barbara Walters and Star Jones are mad at each other? Does anyone really care about Star Jones at all?

Why is my dog’s hair falling out? And do you think it makes her less appealing to the opposite sex?

Who is LC? And why is she/he famous?

Did you know that Ding Dongs no longer come in a shiny foil wrapper? Am I the only one who thinks that ruins the Ding Dong, that without the foil it's just a little chocolate cake?

Does it mean I’m uppity if I don’t want to buy “Art” at the grocery store?

Saturday, May 17, 2008

You aren't gonna believe this.

Yesterday morning my brother and I were enjoying a round of -“that’s nothin’, have you ever seen?”-

It’s a contest where one of us calls the other and says, “You are not going to believe what I just saw!” Then we tell what we saw and the other replies “You think that’s good, the other day I saw…”

So, I called my brother to say that I had, in the last two days, seen some creative usage of the kid trailer (you know, that thing you hook to the back of your bike to haul your kids around town).

First I had seen one with a dog as a passenger, to which my brother replied he had seen that lots of times (he’s a big show off). The very next day I saw a man –who had obviously done some serious reinforcing- pulling around a woman, in rickshaw fashion, she looked like she could have been his mother, and frankly, she didn't seem to be enjoying the ride all that much.

Well, my brother had never seen that, but you know what he DID see the other day? A dog. In a Baby Bjorn. I hung up. Who could top a dog in a Baby Bjorn?

I tell you, sometimes I think that guy has seen everything.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I may not be a great wife, but I am the best mom in the whole world.

This year I recieved a jackpot batch of Mother's Day cards. From my brother and his wife.
Inside it says "You are the best sister in the whole world."
From my daughter.
Inside it says "You are the best mother in the whole world."

From my husband.
Inside it says "It's true, you are the hottest."

From my oldest sons.

Inside it says "You are the best mom in the whole world. We will never get married and abandon you for our wives' families."

From my youngest son.

Inside it says "You are the best mom ever. I know I am your favorite."

From the middle child.

Inside it says " They took this picture of me at my weekly poker game. Thanks for giving me so much freedom. You rock babe."

Have I mentioned my crush on..

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Not that this is earthshattering news...

…but I am a “very poor” wife.


There are a total of 50 questions but if the first page is any kind of indicator, it doesn’t look good for me.

I don’t wear hose, so I don’t know if that counts for or against me on the whole seam thing. I do however have a very gay sense of humor, but it’s often in the form of sarcasm or mockery. Is that merit worthy?

Do you actually have to be sitting IN the backseat to be a backseat driver? I’m going to appeal that one!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Life and whatnot

~For maybe the first time ever, I had a really good Mother’s Day. I spent the day with my husband and our children; we ditched church and took a day trip.

~I just read some tips for maximizing your experience if you are attending a graduation this year.
#7 –No foghorns or other loud devices.
Hmm, no mention of leaving that uncle home, you know the one who gets drunk and yells-“Way to go Bobby!! I knew you had it in ya!! WOOO!!”

~Texas sheet cake is not that good, but if someone brings a plate of it into my home I will eat and eat it until every last crumb is gone. Especially if there are nuts on top.

~Showtunes rock. When driving there is nothing more fun than having a mix tape of showtunes to sing along with.

~I like to watch public television, am I a weirdo, or just far more intelligent than everyone else?

~Cher, Elton John, and Bette Midler will be replacing Celine Dion in Las Vegas. They will each perform for a month at a time. Hmm.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Saturday, May 10, 2008

All I need is a ticket

I am seriously getting worried that it’s not long before I will be taking the train to Crazy Town. It will either be because I have lost my mind on my own, or because my mother and grandmother have decided to pay my way.

This weekend they both offered to help me pack.

I don’t think I’m crazy, which is a sure indicator that I must be crazy, I mean, crazy people don’t think they’re crazy, right? It seems that if you are in your right mind enough to make those kinds of judgments then you couldn’t possibly be as crazy as the ones (like me) who are in denial about their craziness. Whew.

On Thursday it was my mom’s birthday, I called her, because I am nothing if not thoughtful. Then she told me all about how sweet my brother was, calling her first thing in the morning. He’s so busy and he took time out of his day to call her. She cried. I barfed. I did not tell her that the only reason he called was that his wife remembered the date and reminded him repeatedly until he made the call. Then she told me about the wonderful party her boyfriend (she’s too old for a “boyfriend” what can we call him?) had planned for her. It was going to be a swell day.

Except, Dun..Dun…Dun….she had and argument with my granny over gas prices, colonoscopies and bathroom rugs—I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. She said that it was sad that her own mother made her so nuts, she asked if I felt that way about her.

It was her birthday, what would you have done? That’s what I thought.

Early this morning my phone rings, by early I mean, it is Saturday for crying out loud!!! A little respect please! It’s my granny, who in time of crisis cares not one whit whether we live in the same time zone or not.

She’s having a problem, maybe I can help. Yeah, maybe if I had a little more sleep I could, under these circumstances, I can’t promise anything.

“Your mother is very upset with me” she begins. She then relates her version of the story, leaving out the bathroom rugs and inserting instead warnings about Wal-Mart’s prescription program and the high cost of everything in New York City. Which I am assuming she knows because it’s been discussed at the Cracker Barrel, because that’s the furthest she’s traveled in quite some time. I know that because she has just informed me that she just can’t travel—she has bowel problems. (Hey, I had to hear it, why should I spare you?)

After I hang up I am feeling so discombobulated that I call my poor brother and unload on him and his sweet birthday reminding wife, who I am sure wish I would head down to the crazy train station and leave them alone.

I felt bad about it until a little later when my other brother called to say that our mother just told him about the wonderful party our brother arranged for her. That’s right, the party that her lovah planned is now being credited to the man who didn’t even know it was her birthday when he got out of bed that day.

It’s in my blood and I am getting nervous.

So that's how they do that..

This could be the end of professional wrestling.

Controversial Tell-All Book Reveals Wrestling Fans Are Fake

Friday, May 9, 2008


In honor of Mothers Day I am recognizing fathers.

Yes, I know they have a day coming up soon; but it always seems to me, that all year long we hear about moms. How they work hard, they sacrifice, and at General Conference, year after year, the men are reminded to treasure their wives and treat their children well, and make no mistake, I am grateful for that. I know there are plenty of men who need to hear that message. But once in a while I’d like to hear about how without a great partner we moms would be toast.

So today I am saluting my husband and my brothers who are all great dads, and the many other fathers out there who deserve more than a card with a guy resting in a hammock that says-“Don’t worry Dad, today the dog will deliver your beer.” Or one of those “sentimental” cards with a hazy picture of a fishing basket on the front. Ick!

My husband is a great dad. When our children were babies he changed diapers, he gave baths, and best of all he never made me get up at night. Even when he had to be at work at 5 a.m. he would get up and bring the baby to me, I still had to feed them, but the idea of not actually leaving the bed made all the difference, truly, ALL of the difference.

My husband has built playhouses and tree houses and skateboard ramps. One year he spent days building an amazing kitchen for our daughter, and he let Santa have the credit, even when our daughter said “I bet you couldn’t even build a kitchen this good dad.” He has always tucked the kids in bed at night with a bedtime story so I could have a few minutes to decompress at the end of the day. He’s the best storyteller ever, changing every book to make it more interesting, or exciting or disgusting. Howls of laughter can be heard throughout the house when Dad is telling a story.

He takes our kids camping, alone, because I don’t like camping. He goes to AquaBats concerts, he cooks breakfast on the weekends, he takes our daughter shopping for Easter dresses, and he watches the Simpsons, pretending over and over again that he thinks it’s hilarious (he even has me fooled—he is pretending, right?).

My brothers are all amazing fathers and they’re also great uncles. Even without having the best example of a father they have become best examples of fathers themselves. I am so grateful for all of the positive male influences my children are surrounded by.

Being a mom is hard work, and don’t get me wrong, I like to be acknowledged for it, but without the love and support of my good husband I could not make it look so easy (just kidding, he is great, but I do NOT make it look easy!).

So, this Mothers Day, I say "Thanks honey, you've already given me the best gift of all, a partner."

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Woo Hoo!!

I can't believe it- I won something!!

Over at Design Mom it is Mother's Day Giveaway week, and I won a Lego necklace!

If you have never checked out her site you don't know what you are missing. Besides the great giveaways, there are always creative decorating ideas, fabulous shopping finds, fun things to do with your kids, and much, much more!

Thanks Design Mom!!

Now they tell us.

I am of the opinion that the proper use of sarcasm is a talent. A skill not to be taken for granted, no, indeed it must be excercised often so your wit does not weaken. You must use it everyday. If I had any friends they would tell you of my command of irony. My grasp on cynicism. Ahh, my knack for mockery.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I don't know if you got the memo, but....

I’m hot. That’s right, you heard it here first.

Our oldest son works as a “courtesy clerk” (that means he’s a bagger) at our local Fry’s Marketplace, the very same Fry’s Marketplace I go to gather sustenance for my family. Small world, eh?

Last week when our little clerk went to work one of his colleagues said “Hey, who was that hot girl you were in here with the other day?”

To which our boy replied “Dude, I haven’t been here with any hot girls, the only person I have been here with is my mom.”

“No, she was young, she had long hair. You were with a girl.”

It was me. Me. I was the long haired girl he was shopping with.

So there you have it.

I am HOT.

I wish that rude kid from the second grade could see me now!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Did I mention that I love Batman?

Last night we saw Ironman, it rocked. You can read all about it here.

OR you can stay here and read my review of the previews we saw before the movie.

The Hulk was up first. I really enjoy Edward Norton, really, a lot. I think though, that it is time for everyone to admit that the Hulk is not meant to be on the big screen, and no amount of Ed Norton is going to change the facts.

The Dark Knight. Well, I just love Batman, I think Christian Bale is great, and leaving sentiment at the door, I think Heath Ledger makes a really good joker.

The Love Guru. For the Love of all Gurus, enough with Mike Myers and his endless SNL skit movies. Please!! I beg.

Prince Caspian. I guess if you are into all of that, it looks okay. Me personally, I am over all of the digital movies. It has its place, but its place is not EVERYWHERE.

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. Well, Indiana Jones, of course I am going to see that one.

There were a couple more, My City Screams, it was a little cryptic, probably just some thing I am not in the know about, and a stupid looking new Adam Sandler movie, UGH!

It was a lot of previews, but I like that. I love going to the movies and now I have a list that I am eagerly awaiting.

Monday, May 5, 2008


Because we are the BEST parents EVER, we are taking our kids to see IronMan--on a school night!

You can go here tommorrow and find out what I thought of it.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

It's actually quite a bargain.

Not long ago my son told me how many songs our family had downloaded (i.e. paid for) from iTunes. It was no small number and for a few seconds I felt a little ill. All of that money for what? Music?

Then I got to thinking. When I download something it is usually because I am pretty sure I am going to listen to it. I like music, it entertains me. It uplifts me. It makes me want to dance. And sing. (It embarrasses my children when I dance and sing, so I try to get it out of my system while they are at school.)

Mood improved multiplied by times listened to divided by $.99 = worth every penny

Friday, May 2, 2008

Yeah, this is why I don't do myspace..

...or facebook or any of those other "lets connect" sites-

Thursday, May 1, 2008

“She’s a big, big girl.”

If, while watching Lars and the Real Girl, I felt like I could identify more with Lars than any of the other characters, is that weird?

The scene when he takes Bianca to the party was painful for me. I felt sorry for Lars, but I also felt déjà vu. I have been in situations that felt just as uncomfortable. Often.

My husband thought it was the stupidest movie EVER, at least he thought the first 30 minutes were. After that he could watch no more. He could however ridicule me from the next room---Hmmm, I wonder if Bianca has a brother?