Friday, February 29, 2008

Four Stars

This morning I cooked breakfast for a food critic from The New York Times. I made the exotic delicacy “Egg in a Nest”. The review was excellent-

Critic- “This is delicious
Me- “Thank you”
Critic-“I mean, it’s not burnt or anything.”

I must be a really good cook.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Got a minute?

I had a lovely and informative chat with my mother today. As usual we covered important topics like the weather, spring cleaning, and telephones in the bathroom. Hers is sunny but chilly, she has started that cleaning (and with 5 children I should probably get started too, though she can’t imagine when I would) and she DOES have a phone in her bathroom (um, yuck!).

Then we moved on to the part, the BEST part, where she tells me all of the exciting things she’s been up to (did I mention the spring cleaning?), and all of the interesting stuff she knows about EVERYONE.

For example-
· When she showed her co-workers photos of my new niece and nephew (yep she’s showin’ those at work) she had to tell everyone which was which because they didn't even recognize them from their earlier photos—that’s how much alike they look.
Yeah, that’s cause they're twins who are 7 weeks old.

· Apparently my brother got a huge raise at work. And then drunk on something, he made the mistake of telling our mother who is now shouting the details from the rooftops.
I better be getting a NICE birthday gift is all I can say about that!

· Judy and her husband who visit their grandson Skye twice or more a year and stay at the hotel where my mom works are sooo glad she’s back from that medical leave she was on, because everything was all wrecked up in the mean time.
I really hope Skye gets over that rash, poor guy.

· My granny doesn’t care if the price of groceries increases because she and her husband have made a pact to continue eating all the artery clogging cuisine they currently enjoy, inflation be damned. I mean they are getting too old to make the trip to the Cracker Barrel more than once a week, if they have to eat in, they should be able to enjoy it.

There is quite a bit more, but I think a little mystery keeps our relationships the magical things they are.

If I didn’t tell your secrets, you’re so welcome.

Especially if you’ve had a “procedure” recently.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


I’m a knocker. I don’t like to ring the bell. This morning as I was waiting for a door to open, worried that my knock had not been noticed (because I’m not an aggressive knocker), I wondered, why don’t I just ring the stinking bell?

As a rule I don’t ring the bell, I don’t leave messages, I don’t comment on blogs and I don’t offer my opinions at parties. I hate being the center of attention. Surprise party? My worst nightmare. Don’t even get me started on public speaking.

But WHY?!?! I have opinions (LOTS and they’re good ones, interesting even), I call people, I go to their houses, I read their blogs. What is wrong with me that I don’t even want to be noticed when I am standing on your stoop of my own freewill?

If forced, I will do all of those things.

If you don’t answer the door after the 2nd or 3rd knock, ding dong.

If I really need to speak to you I will leave a message. If I’m just calling to chat, no message. To be honest, there are only a few people I call when I need to chat, if you don’t answer, I’m calling back in 10 minuets, ‘cause when I need to chat, I NEED to chat.

As for the commenting thing, I don’t want to be the least clever comment, and I never know if I should be anonymous or not and what if I make a grammatical error and the whole internet universe sees it. It’s WAY to stressful to comment.

Opinions at parties are tricky in my opinion (I slay me!). Because though I am quick to think others foolish, I do not wish to be seen as foolish (—or maybe BECAUSE I am so quick with the fool button). Truthfully though, if I know you well, we don’t have to agree on all things, I think it’s more interesting when we don’t. I really enjoy long conversations with groups of people who have different perspectives who respect one another.

Like I said don’t even get me started on public speaking,- though I think it’s pretty normal not to be in love with that one.

On the whole, I am content to be not seen or heard. I LIKE going unnoticed. Is that weird?

G’head, analyze away. I can take it.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

What did you have for breakfast?

Hostess Lemon Pies are owned by a consortium of stockholders whose major stock holder is Satan. It must be true, what else could explain my inability to stop eating them? Ask anyone, I have TONS of self control.

Lemon pies are a no risk fruit pie. In the cherry pie there might be pits, in the apple, seed or peel bits, always seeds in the berry, but the lemon is all fruit jelly, delicious lemon sugar gel also known as nectar of the gods. mmmm

This morning mine cracked open at the seam when I took my first bite and I had nectar all over my fingers, in traffic, not a napkin in sight. It was no easy task, licking my entire hand while driving and holding my lemon pie with the other hand. Lucky for me none of those “bad” drivers were around. If I had gotten a phone call at that moment it could have gotten ugly.

Don't even get me started on the beloved Ding Dong.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Come on Down!!!

Unlike some other members of my family I am not a huge fan of The Price is Right.

I’ve seen it plenty of times, and even remember the olden days of my youth when The Price is Right was prime time worthy (along with the Mandrel Sisters and BJ and the Bear), but I have never had the desire to watch daily and try to out bid the showcase showdown contestants. I knew that Bob Barker had retired (he just retired, he’s not dead, right?), I was aware that after much debate Drew Carey and not Rosie O’Donnell had been selected as the new host (I may not watch TPR, I do however watch Inside Edition {faithfully}), but I have not had the opportunity to see Mr. Carey work his magic.


Last week I had a sick day and was banished to my bed. As I lay there trying to not think about all of the laundry I was not doing I had a chance to catch Drew in action. Well, “action” might not be the right word. See, for someone surrounded by so many energetic contestants he seem quite subdued. As for the spaying and neutering of my pets, I got the feeling his heart wasn’t really in it when he suggested I have it done.

Maybe he was having a sick day too.

Is there something I am missing? Bob Barker never jumped around but he had a “presence” that the current host is lacking. Has The Price is Right run its course? Can Plinko survive with out Bob? Fill me in, what’s the appeal? Or is there one anymore?

Saturday, February 23, 2008

What did I ever do to the Amish?

Amish Friendship Bread is not so friendly.

I suspect it’s not really Amish either-(the fact that instant pudding is involved leaves me doubting).

If you haven’t had the misfortune of having a “friend” bless you with some let me give you the details.

A friend drops by with a loaf of bread (good) and a Ziploc bag that contains a living “starter” and a page of instructions on the care and feeding of said starter (bad). You eat the tasty bread (good), and put the starter on the counter in your kitchen. In the morning the bread is gone but the starter remains (bad). For the next 4 days you “mush” the bag and release the air that accumulates in the bag threatening to explode starter all over your kitchen. Every night you pray that the starter will not escape from its prison and devour your appliances (bad) or your cat (could be worse). On day 5 you add ingredients and “mush”. The process continues for a total of 10 days, when you finally get to make some bread of your own. (good)

On day 10 you add more stuff to the starter including instant pudding. Then you divide it into 4 bags, one for you, 3 for your “friends”. You bake some delicious bread (good), but you don’t get to eat any (bad), because the only way to get rid of the starters you have created is to bribe the recipients with bread. If you are lucky enough to have a 7 year old daughter, you will be mushing and adding and baking every 10 days for the next year(not good at ALL).

I think, since I’ve always kind of thought kindly of the Amish, I’m going to call it “Fundamentalist Polygamy Bread”.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Just a normal day.

This morning I have been driven to the border of insanity. Those of you who know me may be thinking that I already live smack dab in the center of insanity and to you I say -


My son told me that he didn’t have the time to take out the garbage before school because his education takes priority. I am expected to believe that he WANTS to take out the garbage, he just doesn’t’ have time to do EVERYTHING. Something has to go, and if you’ve seen his room you know that the something is sanitation. It would have been touching if I didn’t know that the list of his priorities looks something like this-

1. sleep
2. hang out with friends
3. think about girls
4. eat
5. listen to music
6. think about what to do while hanging out with friends
7. eat
8. think about listening to music

67. education
68. take out the garbage

As I am trying (hard) not to overreact to this logical conversation, son #3 thrusts a note at me containing the information about why he has detention today (though it does not explain why I am only hearing about it ten minuets before school starts), officially it is due to “Being disrespectful to a substitute”, unofficially it is because “I just asked if I could go to the bathroom!” What is it with substitutes these days, it’s like they can’t take a joke? (She says in jest and sympathy).

While I am trying to decide if detention alone will suffice for a consequence, my daughter comes in to tell me she’s ready to go. Boy is she ever. Fur lined boots, Capri pants, High School Musical t-shirt and an argyle cardigan. I will let you off easy by not even trying to describe the hair-do. She thinks she looks great, and I clearly have bigger fish to fry so I tell her she’s right and off we go.

Someone should have a good day, right?

It’s not gonna be me, after I drop her off my brother calls to tell me about this hilarious thing that Larry the Cable Guy just said on the radio. The fun never stops around here.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Does this tie make me look presidential?

He just doesn’t look presidential.

What does that mean? If I hear it one more time I think I will scream. Are we looking for certain physical characteristics or a great understated sense of style? Someone who looks like Harrison Ford or Dana Carvey? Let’s face it; the guy in charge now doesn’t exactly have a commanding presence. As far as I’m concerned his lack of command of the English language is more of a deal breaker than the size of his ears.

What exactly does presidential look like and how does appearance play into your vote?

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Who do you love?

My husband who makes me laugh everyday, he encourages me, he’s a great father and a hard worker. He really is my best friend.

My children, they are my purpose, each one so different from the others. I can’t imagine my life without them.

The soldiers who put on their uniforms each day and become heroes, their presence in the world allowing me the freedom to participate in the election process and assuring me that no matter the outcome my vote does count.

Babies, what’s not to love?

The teachers who, despite all of the obstacles placed before them, teach my children to read and write, how to speak Spanish, all about Colonial America, the Wright Brothers, and the principles of geometry. Bless your hearts.

The police officers who make it possible for my family to come and go as they please with out fear.

The writers who have ended their seemingly endless and never ending strike. Bring on the The Office!!

The firefighters who come to the rescue of anyone who needs it, regardless of race, gender, or income.

My brothers, they make me laugh, my sister-in-laws, I’m pretty sure we’d be friends even if they didn’t know my brothers, my nieces and nephews, who are the cutest, smartest, funniest, kids ever, next to my own of course, I am so lucky to have such a great and supportive family.

Happy Valentines Day!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I dare you

A group of bloggers are on a trip to Uganda raising awareness about the poverty there for Compassion ,a foundation that arranges sponsorship for children in need around the world.

You should read about their experiences here and here and here.

I dare you to do it without crying.

Barack Rocks!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

it could be worse

There may be things that are more traumatizing than being 15 and seeing your grandmother naked (of course there ARE), but my son can’t think of any. Except maybe that no one around here takes anything as seriously as he does. The rest of us REALLY had a good laugh over it.

The story goes that while the old gal was here for a visit last year she left the bathroom door unlocked and he accidentally walked in on her. Poor guy. I’m not sure why it took so long for me to hear this tragic tale, but a few days ago one of the younger boys said “Hey, remember when you saw grandma naked?”

Naturally we wanted to hear all of the details. Naturally we laughed.

A lot.

Maybe too much.

You would have thought some state secret had being revealed. There was all kinds of being annoyed and complaining that he had nearly blocked out the memory, but NOW it has been drug back to the surface and so on and so forth.

Too bad, we’re just not compassionate that way. I mean, I am sorry he had to see her like that, and better him than me, but lighten up already.

Maybe I should be worried. I wonder if a hypnotist could permanently wipe out the images that are burned into his subconscious.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Break ups suck

Dear Blockbuster,

It seems our relationship has hit a rough patch. A quick review of my account should be enough to remind you of our long history. I have been loyal to you above all other forms of rental amusement, and you in turn have provided me with seemingly endless hours of entertainment. Our years together, I fear, are about to come to a tragic end.

My husband is angry with you. He is requesting that I boycott you in all forms. I feel that I need to support him in his battle for ethical treatment of renters of video entertainment,after all, he has (to my knowledge) never broken his blood oath to me that he would never shop at the evil Wal-Mart again.

Here’s the thing, I find you very convenient. I know my way around the store. Your online program is nice, though sometimes a bit slow, and if you keep raising the $$, I will be forced to go Netflix on you, but all in all I have been happy with you, even if that manager is a little condescending and a little too comfortable sharing her heath history.

I love watching movies, my husband, not so much, he can take them or leave them. He watches mostly to keep me happy. If it were me you had offended, I could give you another chance. Unfortunately it was my other half who came last night and rented that damaged disc. He doesn’t feel that in-store credit is going to cut it this time. (The nasal manager didn’t help either). He’s ready to take the substantial chunk of change our family drops on video rental annually and walk. After all he's done for me I will have no choice but to take one for the team. I will miss you but....

Surely you can see that it’s in everyone’s best interest to end this standoff peacefully. Just give him his money back and this whole ugly mess can go away, you will be forgiven and it will be forgotten.

A woman whose entertainment future is in your hands.

P.S. I know my dentist is paying you to keep all the teeth rot next to the cash register, if I go, I’m taking him with me.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

What's all the fuss?

The Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
I love this book. We haven’t read it for a while, our children are into other fine works of fiction these days (like that “adorable” Junie B. Jones with her flawless grammar), but it used to be a favorite around here. We would chant “Milk in the Batter! Milk in the Batter! We make cake and nothings the matter!" each and every time we baked something.

Those were the days.

Now we just say things like “Okay, but if the Little Red Hen has to make these brownies all by herself, she’s going to eat them all by herself too.”

I have known mothers who are horrified when Mickey slides into the kitchen naked—it’s just not modest (or santitary). Myself, I’ll take a naked Mickey over a naked Bart Simpson any day.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Super Duper Tuesday

Have you voted yet?

What are you waiting for?

If you live in Alabama, Alaska, American Samoa, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Kansas, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Utah, or West Virginia, for crying out loud,
GO VOTE!!! Or Caucus, if that's your thing.

I don’t care who you vote for, well, I kinda do, but never mind all that, just vote.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

My Self Esteem

Twice a week I volunteer in my daughter's 2nd grade class. I make copies, staple paper together, whatever she needs me to do, most of the time I read with small groups. It's fun and I enjoy it, I thought the kids did too. Until…..

Yesterday my daughter told me that one of the boys in her class said that I am FAT and UGLY. Which I most definetly am NOT, modest yes, fat and ugly, no way!

The culprit is one very metrosexual young man—I’m serious. I have never seen a boy his age who takes such great care with his appearance, I have 4 sons, I’ve been around lots of boys. The only thing I can figure is that my lack of fashion expertise (please refer to my fashionista post) has somehow offended him.

OR dun dun dun……

My charming daughter has rubbed him the wrong way. Which, to be honest, is the most likely scenario. I love her, but she can be a bit abrasive. Whatever the case, I intend to get to the bottom of it tomorrow when I go to the school. I cannot have the entire 2nd grade mocking me. (Tom Cruise, yes. Mock away. Me, no sir.)


I have to confess. I would rather watch a political debate than the Superbowl, maybe even an episode of “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader”. It’s not that I think it’s silly to watch a bunch of over paid adults play a game for even MORE money, or that I don’t want my kids to sit through three hours of beer commercials, while dining on 7 layer dip and chicken wings. Those things don’t bother me at all.

The problem is that I’m not a sports fan. There, I said it. I don’t follow football. It’s only been a day or two ago that I learned which teams had been invited to this year's event.

My son on the other hand is beside himself with excitement. He has just recounted a (false) memory of a Sunday past when church was cut short for football fans. Dream on buddy.

Normally we just watch the game at home, picking teams when the game starts, loyalty(and I use the term loosely) depends on the score. This year we’ve been invited to a Superbowl party. I’m feeling a little pressure. What do you do when you don’t have a team? Do you choose the underdog, like taking the smaller half? Do you research both teams and let the facts dictate which is the BEST? Flip a coin? Best Mascot? Can I show up a Superbowl party teamless?

I’m bringing salsa.