Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Laverne and Shirley

Question-are the kinds friendships between women portrayed in the movies (Steel Magnolias) and on TV (Sex and the City, Will and Grace) real or make believe? I know they only play friends in the movies, but I want to know, do most women have those kinds of close honest relationships. In my life I feel like I have never had any quite that real, even now at 40 I feel like I only have a couple that even come close. Could it be me?

I’ve been wondering about it.

I know a lot of people. I have friends who I have known for 15 years or more, a couple have been around since high school, they know all my dirt and I know all of theirs. I would do anything for most of these women, and I know they would do anything for me, some have. The catch is, there’s no intimacy, it’s all surface. It seems that time and familiarity, love even, aren’t enough. Women hold back. No one wants to let their guard down, and we certainly don't want to hurt each other's feelings or make anyone mad. All of the tiptoeing around makes it difficult to have that Lucy and Ethel relationship.

I want the kind of pal who will tell me the truth, and who can take it when I tell them the truth. Who will say-“I think you’re making a mistake” or “That is NOT your color, besides, it makes your butt look huge”. I want someone who cares enough about me to give good loving advice. I want someone who really wants to know my position. I want someone who likes me even if we don’t see eye to eye politically. I’m looking for someone who will discuss politics or anything besides decorating and childcare. I want someone who doesn’t gossip, and who will keep confidences, mine or anyone else’s. I want a friend who will join me in a bike ride to the brewery everyday, and help me fight off the advances of our slimy and stupid neighbors, and afterwards we can head over to my pops bowling alley to knock down a few pins.

It’s a two way street, I know that. “You have to be a friend to have a friend”, and there have been times in my life when I could have been a better friend. It's not easy telling the emperor his clothes are invisible. It's really hard, but I'm trying. I’m older and wiser and ready to settle down, has my time passed? Am I an old maid?

Is it because I don’t have a sister? I never learned “inside” girl stuff. I envy sisters. They can be honest (usually) without fear. I mean, like it or not, you’re stuck with your sister. Kind of a relief I would think. Maybe all of the women with sisters don’t need anyone else, and all of the women without sisters don’t know how to be sisterly to another woman? I have brothers, and they are great. I would say, aside from my husband, the relationships I have with my brothers are my most sincere. But I want a girlfriend. I’m lonely.

Here’s what I bring to the table. I love to read, good stuff though, not fluff. I like to know and discuss what’s going on in the world, and I like to hear someone else’s ideas, I know that I don’t know everything, enlighten me. I like funny people, but really funny, not goofy funny, think Arrested Development, not Jackass. I like good food, but I have texture issues, I know I’m limiting myself, I’m okay with it. I am sarcastic; I consider it a finely honed skill, if you can’t appreciate my talents, it’s probably best not to apply. I love my family, some of them live far away and I miss them. A lot. I think my kids rock, and I don’t talk smack about my husband. I love going to the movies, subtitles are my friend. I don’t exercise, but I won’t make fun of you if you do.

I wonder if I could get a reality show.


blah blah blah said...

Wow, you sound really down. First let me say that as I was reading I was thinking even before getting to the sister part that it's too bad that you don't have one because she tells me when my butt looks too big and we tell each other the truth most of the time and we feel safe because there's a lot of truth in that "you're my sister and there's nothing you can do about it" stuff. We have put each other through alot, especially in the teenage years but we remain close. She is probably my best friend after my husband(because I really can tell him anything), but I probably gossip about her too much and she me, that's innate I believe.
For the same reason I feel close to you, you're my sister in law but I have that "what are you going to do about if you don't like me, your brother does and until he changes his mind you're stuck with me" attitude. I think we are pretty close, only real problem is, we're not that close, the whole 2,000 miles really puts a damper on coming to your fathers bowling alley.
I wish that you had someone close to you. Even with my sister and husband I feel there are times when I don't have anyone, I feel alone.
Anyways, I hope you get some better inquiries than me as I know that I can't be much this far away.

wesley's mom said...

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I was one crisis away from calling Dr. Kevorkian. I am not depressed.

Our kids are growing up and I have more(not much more) time to do things, but no one really to do them with. The problem I think is that I didn't have a relationship like that before I had kids, and while your kids are little it's hard to maintain any kind of social life. It's not that I don't have any friends, it's just like I said I don't have many deep friendships, and I'm tired of hanging out with people that I don't enjoy. It's too much work.

I'm not miserable or anything, just pondering.

If only you could bowl with me, my life would be perfect.

blah blah blah said...

And here I was about to use speed dial and call the dr. Oh well.

I feel like people pull away when you have children, since I became pregnant I have felt a gradual change in many of my friendships and I don't think that it's me but maybe it is. It's like people think that's what you want or need, but I on the other hand feel like friendships have become even more important. But the only people who come and visit or call anymore seem to be my brother and sister. It makes me happy I wasn't an only child. other than that the only close friend I seem to have is seven months pregnant and we hadn't been close in years until she became pregnant.

Anyways, maybe I am the one depressed.

Besides, I always thought there was something strange about Laverne and Shirley.

wesley's mom said...

There was something strange about Laverne and Shirley.

Milk and Pepsi!!

I think the change in relationships is normal, it's not only when you have kids. There are all kinds of reasons for friends growing apart. We evolve and so do our friends. Sometimes we just fill a need for one another at a particular time, and I think that's okay. I wonder though if I could have stuck it out sometimes with friends instead of moving on. My husband and I are not the same people we were when we got married(thank goodness), but we are still together and our relationship is richer because we have grown together.

Sorry you are lonely, you can call me. I haven't called because I don't want to wake anyone. If you are depressed it is probably post-partum, call Tom Cruise, he knows alot about stuff like pyscology.(Don't tell my brother I'm making fun of T.C.)

SusieQ said...

I can relate to this post. We moved about 3 years ago and I haven't found a "girlfriend" that I click with. Like you, I have superficial friends and they're nice and all, but I miss having someone I can feel totally comfortable and at home with. Someone I can talk to about anything or nothing. Like a sister.

P.S. Love your blog. I get the feeling that there's nothing phony about you. It's all right there, take it or leave it. That's the kind of friend I like.